Jack O'Connell - Box Nine

Lenore sits a quarter mile away in the new section. She’s seated on the frozen ground, inside a newly opened grave. Most likely, the burial is tomorrow and they brought a backhoe in today to carve out a hole for the vault. She’s roughly twelve feet down and she doesn’t know if this is a standard depth these days or if this is a double grave, purchased by someone thinking of the future, making room for the family.

She’s lowered herself down by a black nylon climbing rope tied to a neighboring gravestone, a granite number, a simple greyish rectangle that rises vertical out of the earth and is cut with names and dates. She’s dressed in the requisite black and she’s done all the necessary prep work — planted a mike in the abandoned railroad car labeled “Pachinko Brothers Bale Wire,” oiled and slapped a fresh cartridge in the Uzi, popped a megadose of crank.

Now she’s humming. She’s got her two index fingers extended like drumsticks and she’s flailing away at her knees in perfect syncopation. There isn’t a missed beat, a balked strike. She’s keeping a countertime with both her feet. And her teeth are doing a continual bite, grab, and release, over and over on her upper lip.

Images keep passing through her mind, not thoughts, but random flashes, synaptic snapshots of faces and landscapes, lighting for a millisecond, vanishing, being replaced by the next picture. She can’t really get a fix on any of them, but it’s not like she’s making a legendary attempt. She lets them come and go, tries to grab what she can. It’s like trying to stare at a series of unconnected billboards set on the side of an interstate that she’s burning up in some supercharged Porsche.

Her mother’s face. The whiteness of Woo’s belly. Cortez’s book trunk. Ike’s post office shirt, freshly washed and pressed and draped over a coat hanger suspended from the hinge of his bedroom door. Zarelli’s plate of manicotti the last time they had lunch at Fiorello’s. Her father’s arm, slung awkwardly over his face, blocking his eyes, as he lay on the bed, on top of the covers, for an after-supper nap, 1972. Her own body, naked, reflected back at her from the bathroom mirror, her skin looking suddenly grey, dry to the point of flaking away, dissolving into a granular pile on the cold tiles below her feet.

She brings her hands away from her knees, looks at them, turning them over and over, front to back to front. Then she brings her right hand up to her ear, resecuring the small receiver that never fits very well. She hears a ghostlike undercurrent, not static, but more likely the wind pushing through the cavity of the bugged boxcar.

She thinks that there are people, maybe the majority of people, who would be tentative about sitting alone, inside an open grave, in a deserted cemetery, after midnight. Ike, for one. Ike would be going over the edge about now, she thinks. Ike’s nerve would have started slipping as he came through the wrought-iron gates.

But it doesn’t bother Lenore. The fact is, she has a tough time even acknowledging an idea of the supernatural. Stories about ghosts, demons, ghouls, vampires, zombies — they all strike her as stubborn remnants of a more primitive time. Useless, superstitious fear. A throwback that society can’t seem to shake. Generation after generation of people clutching onto memories of these shadowy myths that, like the appendix, we keep being born with, though their use is so far gone we can’t even recall it.

There are things to be frightened of in this life. She’d be the first to acknowledge that. The average person should probably be frightened of a guy like Jimmy Wyatt. No question. A mute sociopath known to veer into rage. A guy who could conceivably come at you across a crowded coffee shop some dull morning and jam his fork into your throat. Jimmy Wyatt is a tangible force. He can be seen, touched, smelled. He has a verifiable history of random violence. There are odds that he could cause you long-lasting trauma. A person should fear a Jimmy Wyatt.

The average person should have a rational fear of cruising Bangkok Park at night. Of finding the lump under the skin. Of the bomb raining down on urban centers across your country. Of the banks bolting their doors and your money long gone. Of losing your ability to control the crank, or the men around you, or your hold on a dicey and cold philosophy that you’ve staked a lot of faith on, that you’ve used as a reason for moving.

For the last half hour, Lenore’s body has been having small seizures of some kind. It’s like her nervous system gets this surge of too much juice, too many signals. Her hands flail out to the side. One foot starts to tick in spasm. A corner of her mouth tugs downward. Her shoulders shoot back like a wave has hit her chest.

She has feared this all along and now it’s finally arrived. She thinks she should be experiencing at least some slight relief that what she’s dreaded is here. The waiting can end. The subconscious, ongoing anxiety can cease. The worst has happened.

She thinks suddenly of Hitler on the last day of his life, deep in the bunker below the Reich Chancellery. She’s read that at the end, the Führer was out of it, heavily sedated by his personal doctor, maybe not even completely aware that the ball game was just about over, the Russians just a quarter mile away, their shells arcing that distance and bursting on the ravaged streets of Berlin above his head.

How different. It’s just the opposite for her. There’s no sedation, but rather a siege of input, a blitzkrieg offense against a tangled, overused system of nerves, so raw from six months of nonstop overload that the nerves are perpetually hyperstimulated, they no longer know any other mode of perception. I don’t need the receiver , she thinks, just my own ear. I don’t need the binoculars, just my given eyes. Take everything in and then take some more. Which is the worse fate , she wonders, the bang or the whimper?

It’s like being in a bunker. Only smaller. The Führer’s digs were a penthouse suite compared to this hole. Looking at the wall of dirt to her left, she can see earthworms frozen in mid-burrow. Something about this strikes her as wrong, a primal violation of some obscure law of nature.

Still, she likes the location. She’s only yards from her parents’ grave and it begins to occur to her that this waiting period is a perfect time to speak with them, to send her thoughts into the ground, a simple straight line through the terra.

Isn’t this funny, folks, I want to say it’s your firstborn. But there was Ike, and though I know one of us had to come first, right now I can’t remember who that was. I’m sure you told us. I’m sure we would have asked. The thing is, this makes me wonder what else I’m destined to forget before I join you guys. The thought doesn’t bother me as much as I’d have expected. Forgetting, I mean. You know, really, there’s a peace to it. Forgetting. There’s a consolation in forgetting.

When you die, do your memories cease? I’m betting they do. I just have this feeling. Do you guys have any memory left? Does it leave you instantly, the brain waves cease and zap, that whole lifetime pool of images is excised? Or is it a gradual thing, a fading, a leakage, until there’s only one image left, one utmost picture? What would the picture be for each of you? Ma? Dad?

It’s so goddamn, excuse me, but so weird what I suddenly flashed on. What the last memory would be for me. What would you guess? Ma? Dad? Listen, it’s not what you’d think. You’d expect something significant, right? Something that changed or shaped a lifetime, some event or moment that altered a course, changed a direction, made an impression so pervasive that you grew into a different person. Something that provoked evolution.