Rachel Cusk - In the Fold

‘I was always good at that,’ said Audrey. ‘I used to leave you everywhere! Once I left Brendon in a shop. I completely forgot about him — he was there all afternoon. He hid like a little marsupial in a rack of clothes.’

‘You’ve had enough, don’t you think?’ said Vivian, looking at Audrey through her fringe. ‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough?’

‘Had enough of what, darling? I’ve certainly had enough of babies. That one’s lovely but the very sight of her makes me want to run a mile.’

‘She’s really no trouble to you, Audrey,’ said Lisa, who had gone slightly white. She clutched the baby to her chest and jiggled her up and down. ‘I don’t think you can accuse her of having been any trouble.’

‘There has to be a limit,’ said Vivian. ‘It can’t just go on and on. It can’t be like a cow giving milk, on and on.’

‘A cow?’ said Audrey. She looked around at everyone in comic mystification.

‘They call me a cow,’ said Vivian flatly. ‘I heard them in the supermarket. Someone said, where does she get all her money, and they said, don’t you know, she’s got a cash cow.’

‘Who has?’ said Audrey.

‘You. Marjory said I’m your cash cow. I heard her say it. I was in the supermarket last week and I was bending down so they couldn’t see me, because they were in the next aisle, you see, and I heard them.’

‘Darling, it was probably nothing to do with you! They were probably talking about real cows, you know, moo —’

‘They said my name. They were in the next aisle, you see. It was as if they were standing right beside me. They said I was a cash cow.’

‘Well,’ said Audrey lightly, after a pause, ‘people are very silly — you know that, Vivian, as well as I do. The fact is that we have our arrangement and what other people say about it isn’t really the point, is it?’

‘It’s horrible,’ said Vivian.

‘Poor darling. Poor Vivian,’ said Audrey, slightly impatiently.

‘It means that every time you want money you come and milk me. You and Paul pull the udders and the money comes out!’

‘I know what it means,’ said Audrey, tapping her foot on the flagstones.

‘That’s what people say. It means that you exploit me.’

‘Nobody exploits you!’

‘If you keep milking me I’ll run dry, you know. I’ll have nothing left — all the money daddy gave me, and not a penny of it left for Laura and Jilly!’

‘You got plenty for it,’ said Audrey. Her voice was unkind. ‘You got plenty for your damned money. I gave you my house. I gave you my children. I gave you my man. He was my man. Mine!’ She struck her pony-haired chest unexpectedly with her small, pale fist. ‘I left the field. I bowed out gracefully and for that you had to pay.’

‘There was nothing to give, you know,’ said Vivian, to me. ‘All this talk of giving! She didn’t give me the house — I bought it.’

‘That isn’t true,’ said Caris.

‘They cooked it up between them!’ cried Vivian.

‘Mum, that isn’t true,’ said Caris.

Audrey gave a little shrug and turned to the window with her arms folded.

‘Vivian did help daddy out a little with the farm,’ she said. ‘I never knew by how much. I think I can be forgiven for not wanting to know, can’t I?’

‘He got a valuation from that friend of his in town and he said that was what I had to pay — it was far more than it was worth! My husband told me that. He said, get your name on the deeds. Whatever you do, get your name on the deeds.’

Audrey snorted.

‘What would Hippo know about the valuation?’ she said. ‘The submersible was usually submerged in gin by lunchtime.’

‘It didn’t last them long! They ran through it all!’ said Vivian. ‘All of it!’

‘Honestly, Vivian,’ said Audrey, ‘you make it sound as though you were frog-marched into it. The fact is, darling, you went to bed with my husband.’

‘He seduced me, you know,’ said Vivian forlornly, to me.

‘Nobody made you do it,’ said Audrey. ‘Nobody forced you.’

‘He sent me a lamb. It was a little white lamb for the children. We all thought it was terribly sweet but after two months it was enormous. They used to give it all sorts of food, you see, and it got very big and aggressive until in the end it used to run at them and knock them over. It was like a bull — it wasn’t like a sheep at all!’

Audrey laughed. ‘That should have told you everything you needed to know, darling.’

‘Jilly scratched her face until it bled,’ Vivian said, to me. ‘For a whole year she scratched her face. None of the women would speak to me. Then he said we should send them away to school because the house was too crowded. And I said, well, why don’t we send them all away in that case, and he said, no, we can’t do that, it would cost too much to send them all, so mine were sent and his stayed. So I was left looking after three children who weren’t mine, do you see?’

‘You didn’t have to do it,’ said Audrey.

‘I suppose I wanted him to love me,’ said Vivian. ‘Sometimes you do things you oughtn’t to, don’t you? You can be quite outside yourself.’

‘You’re very sweet to talk about love,’ said Audrey.

‘Is it Vivian’s name that’s on the deeds?’ said Adam.

‘Of course it’s not!’ scoffed Audrey. ‘Do you really think your father would do that, after everything we went through? That was definitely not part of the deal.’

‘What deal?’ said Caris.

‘The arrangement, then. Everyone makes arrangements, darling.’

‘Every month I pay her,’ said Vivian. ‘They won’t talk to me until I do.’

‘That’s my alimony!’ said Audrey. ‘That’s the least you owe me!’

‘You always get alimony, Vivian,’ said Lisa, ‘in a case like this.’

‘But it’s rather a lot,’ said Vivian. ‘It’s an awful lot, you know. It’s a bit much, isn’t it, when you think about it.’

‘Have you got anything actually written down?’ said Adam.

‘Especially since I pay for the house separately and everything separately, do you see what I mean?’

‘Why couldn’t dad pay it?’ said Caris. She seemed perplexed. ‘He’s got plenty of money. He’s always had money.’

‘He hasn’t, actually,’ said Adam, after a pause.

‘Of course he has!’ said Caris.

‘He hasn’t. I saw the accounts. He’s been running the farm at a loss.’

‘They haven’t got a penny between them, you know — that’s why they got their cash cow. They came and found me!’ said Vivian, her hands gyrating at her sides. ‘They hunted me down, both of them! Don’t you think I don’t know what you did!’ she said, to Audrey. ‘I know! Everybody knows!’ She turned to me. ‘They cooked it up between them!’ she cried. ‘Ask anyone — they’ll tell you!’

She buried her fists in her black mop of hair and looked at us all wildly. A sort of electricity seemed to be coursing through her body: her eyes were alarmed and her face wore a strange grimace, and where her hands were clutching her hair it stood on end.

‘Everybody just did what they wanted!’ she said.

‘Including you,’ said Audrey. ‘You did what you wanted. In fact, you had a high old time.’

‘They call it living in sin, you know,’ she said, to me. ‘It’s rather a good expression for it, don’t you think?’

‘Oh stop it!’ said Caris. ‘I won’t listen to it any more! All this talk about sin — if you want sin, don’t look for it here! Look for it outside in the world, because there’s plenty of it, Vivian! There are places that are drowning in it! It’s feelings that matter,’ she concluded, clutching at her heart.