Frederick Busch - Girls

We went over the top of a fence post I knew separated our land from the acreage of a field cut for hay by a local farmer. We were on snow at least four feet high, maybe five. The dog had started out ahead of me, predicting my moves, correcting for them, and cutting the start of a trail for me. By now, since, like me, he was no kid, he trotted behind me, usually, letting me break the wind and set the pace. My eyes were used to the dark, my ears were numb from the cold and the wind, and I couldn’t feel too much of the rest of my face. My body was sweat-wet up and down. I stopped to tie the scarf over the top of my head, covering my ears. I knotted it under my chin and put my watch cap back on. Then I skied over onto the farmer’s hay field and went straight ahead.

I pushed on for a very long time. I didn’t want to look at my watch, but I felt it had been a long time since I’d covered my ears. My knees were aching now, but that was all right. My thigh muscles burned. Even my shoulders and arms were jumping with charley horse. I kept going. It reminded me of the runs in basic training and of the long humps with a sixty-pound pack. You got to a point where something flared up and roared for a while and then was gone, flushed out and vaporized, and you felt lighter, even if you hurt, and you knew you’d get to the end and be all right. At the finish, before your body caved in, you felt better than you had at the start.

I thought, See how good you can make yourself feel with a little work and a lot of misery? Try and do that for someone else, I thought.

I looked down as I forced the slide-ahead, slide-ahead rhythm, and I saw my skis etching lines. Ahead of me, there was nothing but snow falling very hard and dense, like a coarsely woven curtain, and snow heaped on the ground on either side, burying the snow that had fallen for weeks. I stopped and turned in my tracks because I knew you can lose yourself and die a hundred feet from your house in a storm like this. I looked behind me, expecting to see the tracks go back to a vanishing point, but I couldn’t see where I’d been. I saw a big snow-covered dog with icicles of slobber at his mouth and happy eyes, a gentle fellow of huge heart who shamed me daily by believing me important. And, behind him, I saw nothing. That was what was around me. I turned in a hurry, hoping to find the forward edges of my tracks, but they were gone, too. I headed into what I thought was the nothing ahead of me that I should be pointed toward, and of course the dog came, too.

Archie would ask me something clever and psychological about what I thought I might be sliding away from. But Archie wasn’t with me, and I didn’t feel honor-bound to answer questions. Questions are what you have in the house where you live. Outside, where it gets a little snowy and you need a sense of direction, you don’t do questions. You just slide ahead. I’d have said that to someone asking something. But there wasn’t anyone with me except a dog who would run on stumps, if you chopped his legs off, to keep up with me. My face was frozen now, and I knew I ought to be heading away from the weather. You make sergeant that way, pushing off into something a little dangerous in a headstrong way and suddenly feeling more than thinking it’s time to make believe you’re smart.

I cut farther west, where I knew we’d come across an old right-of-way that the farmer’s hands used for hay wagons. The roadway would be under snow, of course, but I thought I’d see the space in the trees that the hedgerow made — where the path was cut — against the green glare of the farmer’s barnyard lights. Mostly, I saw darkness and the whirl of snow. I decided not to use the flashlight, because unless the wind is kind to you, the snow seems to blow straight into the light and all you see is snow and not the way you need to go.

Looking forward and mostly down, and seeing mostly snow, and after a while that means you see nothing, I expected to think about Hannah or Fanny or both of them at once. That was what usually happened. I thought very briefly of Rosalie Piri, and I thought it was something about her littleness mixed in with her smile, which was so grown-up and maybe had to do with sex. I was happy to be thinking of sex. I hadn’t in any significant way for a long time. I wondered. If she was stretched out naked on a bed, watching a man, say me, walk toward her, would she have those little tightened breasts? Would she smile that wicked smile? Would I worry about being too heavy for her? Would I lie down beside her? Would I cover her over with me?

I didn’t have the wind to talk, but I still said, “No!”

I crooked my neck, and I wondered what it was I’d said no to. You go out on cross-country skis on a very bad night in a very bad month of several bad years, and you start shouting “No!” and you realize there is a good deal you might be shouting it about.

I wondered if a man lay beside her or upon her and it was the first time together for them whether she would flush red, and whether the flush would stain the pale flesh of her chest, and whether she would cover her eyes the way she had. Maybe she would reach with those thin, small arms, I thought, and cover his.

First I saw a low glare, and then I saw the silhouette of the hedgerow. I had let us drift east, so I corrected and, not permitting myself to stop, I took us toward the right-of-way and then the narrow road it emptied into. I was hoping the town had plowed it, and we had a little luck because the snow, despite that day’s fall, was plowed and packed and tamped enough for me to kick out of my bindings and stick the skis over my shoulder and walk, very slowly, up the hill and back to the house. It took over an hour of steady walking, I figured, to get there. The dog was bushed. I had almost caught my breath by the time we were home.

Fanny’s car was there. I left the skis on the porch and went in, calling for her. She was at the table. I said, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Hello. I came home.”

“It’s early,” I said.

“It’s nine o’clock at night. Where were you ?”

“You first, as soon as I get dry clothes on.” I dumped my shirt and pants and underwear directly into the washer and, shivering, threw in more dirty clothes, tossed in the soap, and started a wash. I ran upstairs, toweled off, dressed, added a cotton sweater over my flannel shirt, and went back down in my woolen socks. Fanny had heated a pot of chicken broth, and I poured myself a cup and sat with her. The dog was lying near his half-empty water dish, panting double time, his tongue stiff and very long.

“He’s too old for you to work him out so hard,” Fanny said. “Where’d you go? What’d you do?”

“We did a cross-country run — well, a shuffle. Down the back field, over to the hay field, across to the old farm road and back up — without skiing, just limping — on Taft Road to the main road and home.”

“I didn’t know you had that much left,” she said. Either I had turned only a few lights on or she had turned some off. She sat in the semidarkness, sipping at her soup, sitting in the straight-backed way that told me she had crossed her legs beneath her on the chair. It would take me two days, with pulleys and levers, to get my legs up like that. She looked square-shouldered, competent, not as frail as I knew she really was.

“I don’t believe the returns are in from the outer precincts about what’s left,” I said. “And I may not walk tomorrow.”

“Why’d you go?”

“Well, I don’t know. You know. I just … went. But why did you come home before the shift was over?”

“Same. Just … came home.”

“What’s wrong, Fanny?”

“I missed you. I felt like I hadn’t seen you for years.”

“Isn’t that why you took the shift?”