“Nothing serious, God forbid.”
I told her what happened between us. She looked concerned and asked me for precise details. Looking down at the floor, since I could not look her in the eye, I told her.
When I had finished, Aisha sighed. “My darling little one!”
“What am I doing wrong, Aisha?”
“He’s a bit weak down there.”
“Weak down there?”
“Of course. There are some men who feel so intimidated on their wedding night that they can’t hold themselves back, but within a day or two, they can perform normally. But Abd el-Barr has been like this for more than two months. He can’t seem to help it.”
“Could I be the cause of that?”
“Nonsense!” she said beating her breast and sighing. “You’re as pretty as the moon, Saleha, like a white horse in a fairy tale, but the steed doesn’t know how to mount you.”
The comparison made me uneasy, but I was at least happy to hear that I was not doing anything wrong. At least there was nothing wrong with me as a woman. Aisha again went over the proper way to have marital relations.
“All in all,” she sighed, “we have to give him a chance. He might improve. And you can help him along.”
“How?”
Aisha cackled and her eyes twinkled. She leaned in and started giving me all sorts of obscene advice. The surprising thing is that I listened to her. Perhaps I no longer felt embarrassed, having got used to her way of speaking, or perhaps I had decided that I wanted to do all I could to help Abd el-Barr overcome this impediment. I got Aisha to agree not to mention this matter to my mother. It would only upset her.
I left Aisha’s apartment and went to my mother’s, where I tried to behave as if everything was fine, and then I went home in a different frame of mind. I felt spurred on. Knowing what I had to do, I was getting into the spirit, like someone taking a test she had studied for. I was all set to help my husband the way Aisha had told me, to get over my shyness and do everything to rescue our marital relations. As Aisha was always saying, “When a married couple are in bed, shame and sin go out of the window.”
The first two nights, Abd el-Barr simply went to sleep. On the third night, as usual, he asked me to get naked. I took off my nightdress in front of him. He put his arms around me and had me lie down on the bed, then lay on top of me, kissing me. I had to act quickly, before he could climax. So I wriggled a little and pushed him gently aside. Then I started caressing his body. I kept my eyes shut, concentrating on Aisha’s instructions and letting my hand carry them out. Suddenly, Abd el-Barr shoved me so hard that I almost fell on the floor.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to help you,” I answered without a second thought.
He jumped off the bed and looked me right in the eyes, his face grimacing as if in pain. I had never seen him as angry. He paced up and down, naked, and then came back and sat in front of me on the edge of the bed, as if trying to catch his breath.
“I just don’t believe it.”
I said nothing, and he screamed at my face, “Saleha! How can you do those filthy things? Is that what you were brought up to do?
I had covered my naked body with a sheet, saying nothing. I was afraid. My life seemed to be getting only more complicated. I felt really bad about what I had done. How could I have told Aisha, and why did I just do what she told me without thinking?
“I want to know,” Abd el-Barr said quietly, “how you learned to do that.”
“Aisha told me.”
“What has Aisha got to do with it?”
“I consulted her.”
“Why would you consult her?”
“I felt that something wasn’t right between us. Aisha has a lot of experience. She told me what I could do to help you.”
Abd el-Barr sprang up again, threw on a galabiyya and sat down in the chair near the window. I got dressed and sat down on the bed again. Until that moment, I thought we would be able to sort it out. I would apologize. I would tell him that I knew I had been wrong and would not do it again.
In a subdued voice, I said, “I’m sorry, Abd el-Barr. I didn’t mean to.”
He said nothing. He was sitting back in the chair, and I could not make out his expression. I saw him lean over the table. He was doing something with his hands. I called his name. He did not turn around. I got up and edged my way over to him and, looking over his shoulder, it took me quite a time to absorb what I was seeing. It was very strange. I could see a razor blade broken into two halves and lines of smooth white powder. Abd el-Barr was leaning forward and snorting like a bull. I was alarmed.
“What are you doing?” I shouted.
He did not respond. He was not listening. He inhaled all the powder in two snorts and leaned back in the chair, saying nothing, his eyes closed, his breathing heavy. Then he slowly stood up and turned toward me. His eyes were glaring and his face thunderous. I could hear him panting and see the beads of sweat on his brow. Suddenly, he grabbed me by the hair with a jerk. I screamed out in pain and he shouted at me, “How could you go telling Aisha about our private life?”
“I’m sorry!”
He carried on shouting and yanking my head. “Are you trying to embarrass me, you bitch?”
“Forgive me, Abdu. I won’t do it again.”
My hair was hurting me, but I was more upset than anything. I was ready to kiss his hand to make him forgive me. I pleaded, “Stop, Abdu. By God Almighty, I won’t do it again.”
“Shut your mouth.”
He punched me in the face. I went dizzy. My vision was blurry and I thought I was going to faint. I had to escape. He hit me again and kicked me in the stomach. It was excruciating, but I did not scream. He pushed me, and I fell onto the bed. He threw himself on top of me and reached down, trying to push my legs apart. In spite of my shock and terror, I managed to clench my thighs tightly together.
“Open them!” he panted.
He kept trying to force my thighs apart, and as I realized that he was trying to get his fingers inside me, I decided to put up a struggle. I was focusing all my strength into my thighs, but Abd el-Barr was strong. My muscles were almost in a cramp from clenching, and I knew I could not hold it much longer and that he was going to win. Everything went dark, and I felt my body going limp. Suddenly, I had an idea. I bit him on his upper arm. I can hardly believe what I did. I sank my teeth into his arm and could feel them piercing his flesh. He screamed, pushed me away and jumped off the bed. I felt a heavy blow to my back as I tried to move away. Stumbling out of the bedroom, I pushed over the armchair and pulled the door shut behind me. This slowed down Abd el-Barr just long enough for me to reach the front door. I ran down the stairs as quickly as I could and got out onto the street. It was two o’clock in the morning. The few people out and about threw me a curious glance. I realized that Abd el-Barr was not coming after me, but all the same, out of sheer terror, I half ran all the way home. Then I remembered that I did not have the key. I kept pushing the buzzer until my mother opened the door. She looked worried, and I threw myself into her arms.
“For God’s sake, Saleha, I hope nothing awful’s happened!”
Mahmud drank a whole bottle of red wine and wolfed down half a roast chicken. When he finished, Dagmar smiled and asked, “Do you want anything else?”
Mahmud shook his head to say no. Dagmar got up and brought him the other half of the chicken, which he devoured in a matter of minutes. Dagmar said nothing, but Mahmud realized that he had now eaten all the food on offer. He got up and walked across the hall to the bathroom, which he noted was nice and large and all done out in a soft shade of turquoise. He washed his hands and face and went back to the sitting room. Dagmar was wearing a baby-doll nightdress, which showed her scraggy body with its sagging liver-spotted skin. Her breasts were no more than two sad memories. She tried to snuggle up to him on the sofa, but he held up his hand to stop her.
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