Magnus Mills - A Cruel Bird Came to the Nest and Looked In

‘Well, in my humble opinion,’ said Brambling, ‘anyone who accepts money from a stranger deserves all he gets. Besides which, these “recruiting sixpences” aren’t legal tender. They can’t spend them in the empire.’

‘I was coming to that,’ rejoined Garganey. ‘The new coins are so ubiquitous they’re beginning to circulate freely of their own accord. Even as we speak, they’re being honoured in the Maypole.’

‘But what about the edict,’ demanded Wryneck, ‘limiting sales of beers, wines and spirits?’

‘I’m afraid it’s fallen by the wayside,’ said Garganey.

As the discussion unfolded Whimbrel, Sanderling and I remained silent. None of us looked at each other directly, but we all must have been thinking the same thing: we’d been unwittingly recruited. Vaguely I wondered what I’d let myself in for: slaving down a mine, perhaps, or going round and round on a treadmill?

I was quite surprised, then, when Sanderling raised an entirely different subject.

‘This City of Scoffers,’ he said. ‘Do they have dancing girls?’

Before anyone could answer there was a knock on the outer door. Immediately Shrike rushed out to answer it. Then he came back.

‘It was the postman,’ he announced.

Smew was about to take the letter when Garganey intervened.

‘In my capacity as Postmaster General I’d like to examine the postmark, if nobody minds.’

Nobody did, and Garganey quickly reached his conclusion.

‘Local postage, same-day delivery,’ he declared, handing the letter to Smew.

A moment later we all knew the contents. It was a final reminder from the railwaymen. They wanted their invoice settled forthwith. The letter also mentioned that we could expect a visit from Messrs Gadwall, Merganser and Grosbeak. They would meet us at the counting house at twelve o’clock.

‘I suppose we have no alternative but to pay,’ said Smew. ‘After all, they’ve fulfilled their part of the bargain.’ He turned to Brambling. ‘Do we have enough money in the imperial purse?’

‘Almost,’ Brambling replied. ‘We’re just half-a-crown short.’

‘That’s the amount we lent to those strolling players,’ said Wryneck. ‘They’ll have to pay it back immediately.’

‘Well, they should have recouped the outlay by now,’ remarked Dotterel. ‘I gather their production has been a huge success.’

‘Surely, though,’ said Garganey, ‘if we’re down to our last half-crown we’re in dire straits indeed.’

‘Not necessarily,’ said Smew. ‘You really should have more faith in the empire. Our people are our greatest resource, and I have no doubt that together we will all pull through.’

These were precisely the kind of words I wanted to hear. Indeed, I was most impressed by Smew’s bearing during this episode. He seemed to possess all the prerequisites of a true ruler of men: sound judgement, patience and calmness. Smew was unflappable, which meant that we had nothing to worry about.

‘I will lead a delegation to the counting house,’ he continued. ‘Accompanying me will be the following officers: Chancellor of the Exchequer, Pellitory-of-the-Wall and Principal Composer to the Imperial Court. The rest of you should proceed directly to the reading room of the great library. After the meeting I intend to invite the visiting envoys for high tea; surprise them with a nice treat and demonstrate by example what the empire is capable of.’

Thus encouraged we set about getting ready for twelve o’clock. Exactly why Smew had chosen me to join the delegation I had no idea, but I was determined to live up to the part. Accordingly, I decided to wear my dandy coat, which I happened to have left at the cake. There was just time to retrieve it before the scheduled meeting, so with Smew’s permission I hurried off.

When I reached the cake I found Greylag in a very ruffled state. His usual manner was placid to say the least, but when I entered the auditorium he had a hunted look about him. The orchestra were all sitting fiddling with their instruments distractedly, while Greylag paced around in front of them.

‘Greylag,’ I said. ‘Whatever is the matter?’

It took a few moments for Greylag to recover, and then I sat him down and got him to tell me all about it.

‘I’m sorry, sir,’ he said, ‘but these two men were here not half an hour ago. They asked all sorts of questions about the orchestra: how many musicians do we have; how many pieces in our repertoire; how many instruments in each section; how many years’ experience as musicians; they even went through my manuscripts.’

‘Did they leave them all intact?’ I enquired.

‘Yes,’ said Greylag. ‘They handled everything very carefully, but they shouldn’t have interrupted our work, should they, sir? We’re supposed to be getting on and they made us stop.’

The visitation had clearly affected him, but I concluded that no real harm had been done apart from the break in his creative process. I felt sympathetic nevertheless. After all, he was quite unused to having outsiders poking around when he was carrying out his duties.

‘I don’t suppose these men were dressed in olive drab, were they?’ I asked, although I already knew the answer.

‘Yes, they were, sir,’ said Greylag, ‘both of them.’

‘Did they give you anything?’

‘No, sir.’

‘Well, never mind,’ I said. ‘They’ve gone now.’

‘But they shouldn’t have been here, should they, sir?’

‘No,’ I concurred, ‘not without asking.’

I couldn’t afford to delay any longer, so I assured Greylag he wouldn’t be disturbed again, then collected my dandy coat and headed back. The delegation was just about to leave when I arrived. Smew was now wearing the ceremonial crown. Wryneck and Brambling were both attired in their smartest outfits. I joined them and we set off for the counting house. It wasn’t quite twelve yet, but the three men were already waiting at the door. As I expected, they were all dressed in olive drab uniforms. I recognised Gadwall from our previous encounters. His official title was Commissioner of Railways for the City of Scoffers. Merganser turned out to be the man who’d tipped me my silver ‘sixpence’. He was introduced as Chief Recruiting Agent for the City of Scoffers. The third man I hadn’t seen before. His name was Grosbeak, and he announced himself as City Treasurer. Apparently he didn’t consider it necessary to mention which city he was referring to; and this omission more or less set the tone for the proceedings. Several times during the ensuing talks the three men referred simply to ‘the city’ as if we were already quite familiar with its every detail. Furthermore, they made it clear that they regarded the empire as little more than peripheral to the City of Scoffers, which in turn they seemed to think was at the centre of the universe. They spoke as though it had been extant for a thousand years, rather than a few fortuitous decades; and when compared with the City of Scoffers all else paled into insignificance.

Centre of the universe or not, it was certainly the centre of an integrated railway system. We quickly gathered that the network radiated in all directions from a vast industrial heartland. Just lately a new spoke had been extended into Greater Fallowfields; and now the contractors were demanding payment. It transpired that Grosbeak handled the collection of debt.

Before discussing terms, however, Smew insisted that the correct protocol be followed. He began, therefore, by presenting his officers-of-state. First to step forward was Wryneck, who managed to give a very good account of himself. He had obviously done his homework and knew just enough about railway gauges to hold his own in polite conversation. He bowed curtly to Grosbeak, and the gesture was duly returned.