Magnus Mills - A Cruel Bird Came to the Nest and Looked In

‘Nonetheless,’ he said, still with his back turned, ‘it should be emphasised that the empire was not established by force-of-arms. Such action would have been regarded as most improper. Instead, we strove merely to create benign “spheres of influence”. Just beyond the border existed several small duchies and principalities who found it quite convenient to drift into our sway, especially as they were thereby exempt from paying “ship money”. Other outlying territories were incorporated because they happened to share the same language. Hence, the “associated realms and dominions” began slowly to come into being. Meanwhile, in dealing with our larger neighbours, and those countries which were further removed, we chose to lead by example. We soon discovered that we could win people over by setting high standards in diplomacy, husbandry and good governance; in short, by showing them that our way of doing things was always the best. It was not long before the whole world wished only to emulate this illustrious empire of ours; and in the next talk I’ll examine the subject in greater depth.’

Smew turned away from the window, and then stood stock still with a pained expression on his face. For a second I was unable to discern the cause of his disquiet, but when I looked around I saw that the seats behind me were all empty. It seemed the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Astronomer Royal and the Comptroller for the Admiralty had all sneaked out before the end of the talk.

‘That was shameful!’ snapped Wryneck. He rose to his feet and began marching towards the door. ‘I’m going to have a severe word with those three individuals!’

‘Don’t bother, Wryneck,’ said Smew. ‘If they weren’t interested they weren’t interested. It can’t be helped.’

All the same, he was clearly disappointed and I had to admit I felt rather sorry for him.

‘Well, if it’s worth anything,’ I said, ‘I found the talk very interesting.’

‘Did you really?’ asked Smew.

‘Of course,’ I said. ‘I’ll definitely be attending the next one.’

‘How kind,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’

Wryneck was still hovering nearby. Now he turned to me. ‘Fond of history, are you?’

‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘I do quite like it.’

‘I see.’

‘How about you?’

‘Naturally, I’m interested in the history of the empire,’ he said. ‘It would be unthinkable not to be.’

‘Indeed.’

Wryneck stared at me unblinkingly, but said nothing more. Meanwhile, Smew was beginning to perk up a little.

‘Like some tea?’ he enquired.

‘Oh, thanks,’ I said. ‘That would be nice.’

‘Lemon curd and toasted soldiers?’

‘Sounds even better.’

‘I’ll see what I can do.’

Over by the doorway, a tasselled cord dangled from the ceiling. Smew pulled it and an instant later Shrike appeared. As usual he was wearing the full imperial livery.

‘Ah, Shrike,’ said Smew. ‘Can we have tea for three please?’

‘Here in the reading room, sir?’

‘Of course.’

‘Very good, sir.’

Shrike went off with his orders, while Smew led Wryneck and me over to the bay window. Situated here were some very comfortable chairs and a desk covered in books and papers. Smew asked us to sit down, and it quickly became evident that this was his own personal little corner. Through the window we could see a beautiful walled garden, and beyond it lay the royal palace. Some minutes later, Shrike arrived with the tea, as well as a huge plate of toasted soldiers and a pot of lemon curd. The three of us passed the next half hour in resplendent ease, and at last I felt I was sampling some of the perquisites of high office. Finally, at about five o’clock, the sun began to set over the palace, casting warm beams of light on Smew, Wryneck and myself.

‘Marvellous,’ uttered Smew. ‘Absolutely marvellous.’

‘Make the most of it,’ I said. ‘The clocks will be going back soon.’

‘Ah, yes,’ said Smew. ‘I’d forgotten about the altering of the clocks. Why does that happen, by the way? I’ve never quite understood.’

‘I’m not certain,’ I answered, ‘but I think it’s to prepare the populace for the twelve-day feast; for all those long, dark evenings when the public houses are full to the brim.’

‘You mean places like the Maypole?’ said Smew.

‘Yes.’

‘I’ve heard it’s a den of iniquity,’ said Wryneck.

‘You’ve never been inside then?’

‘No, I haven’t.’

‘Nor me,’ said Smew.

‘Well,’ I said, ‘I propose to pay a visit one evening, so if anyone wishes to accompany me they’re very welcome.’

‘You’ll excuse me if I say no,’ murmured Wryneck, before pouring himself another cup of tea.

We were still basking in the glow of sunset when suddenly the door opened and in walked Garganey.

‘Oh,’ he said when he saw us. ‘You’re still here.’

‘Naturally, we’re still here,’ said Smew.

‘Then you’ll forgive me if I sound selfish, gentlemen, but I was hoping to have the place to myself for a while. I intend to spend an hour studying our play.’

‘That’s very commendable,’ remarked Smew. ‘I’m impressed.’

‘It’s not a question of anyone being impressed,’ countered Garganey. ‘It’s a question of doing something properly if it’s going to be done at all.’

‘I quite agree,’ said Smew, ‘and I dare say we’ll all be on our way once the sun’s gone down. Meanwhile, why don’t you join us for some tea?’

‘Thank you, no,’ said Garganey. ‘There isn’t time.’

‘Of course there’s time,’ said Smew. ‘I insist.’

Smew quickly gave up his seat to Garganey and found another for himself. Garganey offered no further protest and sat down, although he was plainly reluctant to do so. Then Shrike was summoned and dispatched with another order for tea and toasted soldiers.

‘Apologies for missing your talk,’ said Garganey, ‘but I’ve had a hectic day.’

‘Anything serious?’ Smew asked.

‘It’s difficult to know at this stage,’ Garganey replied. ‘My postmen seem to have some reservations about the changes I’ve been implementing. Do you remember we agreed that they were going to have their breakfast before they went out in the mornings?’

‘As discussed in cabinet,’ said Wryneck.

‘Exactly,’ said Garganey. ‘It was discussed at the highest level, yet today I received a delegation of postmen who informed me that they weren’t happy about having their breakfasts moved.’

‘Really?’

‘They said that such had been the blow to their morale it could only be detrimental to the postal service.’

At this moment Shrike returned with a heavily laden tray. As fresh supplies of tea and toast were dispensed, Garganey said nothing about the fact that we were being served by a liveried attendant in full imperial regalia. Perhaps his earlier misgivings had begun to subside. Or maybe he was simply too preoccupied with his own concerns to notice. Either way, he now lapsed temporarily into silence while Shrike poured out the tea.

‘Why can’t you just command your postmen to do as they’re told?’ suggested Wryneck at length.

‘Because they’re not serfs,’ said Garganey. ‘They’re commoners.’

‘I see.’

‘Moreover, they’re fully aware that the changes are only for a trial period and don’t carry the full weight of an imperial edict.’

‘In other words they’re being awkward.’

‘I don’t really like to call it awkwardness,’ said Garganey. ‘After all, they’re only trying to maintain what they see as a tradition, however archaic it might appear. We’re talking about honourable men with unbending principles. Yet they also have ordinary desires. With this in mind I attempted to soften them up a little this afternoon, though I’m afraid my efforts were to no avail.’