Джей Крауновер - Built

The real her? What kind of nonsense was that? I knew all about her, the girl in the frozen kingdom that was forged of silk and steel. I knew that the girl could burn white hot and smolder when she forgot that she wasn’t supposed to react to me as a man. Just her “client,” my ass. I had the memories and the hard-on to prove otherwise.

My mind was whirling from the high of my appearance in court and from the low of Sayer’s rejection. One thing was clear: getting my son in my life on a permanent basis wasn’t the only thing that was going to take a hell of a lot of work on my end. If I wanted the girl, whatever version of her I could get my hands on, then I was going to have to fight for her as well. I swore under my breath as I headed back toward the International. She was made of more than soft and hard things. Made of more than fire and ice. She had rivers and valleys of scars and damage that ran so deep and wide inside of her that I wondered if she even recognized what they were since they had taken so long to reach the surface. I could see them through the perfect veneer she liked to hold up for the world, and none of it scared me. A little wear and tear, even when it was on someone’s heart and soul, wasn’t worth walking away from what I knew could be the most important restoration project of my life.

CHAPTER 11

Sayer

After that day in court—or rather what transpired outside after the hearing—I worked like a madwoman, burying myself in cases so I wouldn’t think about Zeb. Still, even though it had nothing to do with me or my job, I found myself wanting to check in on Hyde and see how he was adjusting to spending more time with Zeb. Somewhere during the last many weeks, the little guy had fully slipped under my defenses and was rubbing up on the opposite side of my hidden heart right across from his father.

Hyde’s foster mother was a nice woman and let me swing by when I was finished at the office for the day. Her house was tidy, considering she had around seven kids under her roof, and I could see that Zeb’s son had genuine affection for her. I couldn’t help but smile when he immediately took my hand like we were forever friends and dragged me into the kitchen so that he could show me all the cool things he had learned to build with the Legos Zeb had bought him. It only took a glance to see that his father had clearly been adding to the collection. There were Legos as far as the eye could see.

It made my heart thump so heavy and loud I could no longer ignore its existence. It was there, demanding to be seen and heard no matter how badly I wanted to keep ignoring it.

“Want to build a castle?”

“Sure. Let’s build a castle.” I sat at the table for twenty minutes moving blocks around with him, forgetting my reason for being there and just enjoying his infectious, youthful enthusiasm, when I looked over at the rather impressive structure he had in front of him. It was tall and colorful and seemed surprisingly sturdy for something built by such small hands. “You did a good job with that, kiddo.”

Hyde beamed up at me and I wanted to hug him to me and never let him go.

“Zeb showed me how. He said you can build as tall as the sky as long as the foundation is solid.”

I jolted at the reminder of why I had told myself I was here. “Zeb is a smart guy and he would know all about building things to make them last. Sounds like you have fun with him.”

The little boy looked up at me with familiar green eyes and his gap-toothed grin widened. “I get to see Zeb a lot now. It’s neat. He always plays with me and I get to ride in his truck.”

I sighed a little, propped my elbow on the table, and put my chin in my hand. “He does have a very cool truck.”

Hyde laughed and the sound wrapped around me more tightly than the past ever could. That sound alone was more validation that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing than a kind word from my father ever could have been. I didn’t ever think much about kids of my own but this kid, this kid with his shaggy dark hair and forest-colored eyes, I couldn’t imagine a future without his happiness and joy being a part of it. He was going to have a shot. He was going to have love. He was going to be accepted and forgiven throughout his lifetime, and that was everything. I would never have been able to be a part of that if I hadn’t acted out of character, hadn’t embraced my desperation for something more than I had, and come to Colorado.

“Does he take you for a ride in his truck, too?” Hyde’s eyes widened in fascination as I pushed forward a structure that could pass for a blocky castle.

“No, but I’ve seen it, so I know how awesome it is. You’re lucky you get to ride in it. I’m jealous.” I made a funny face at him that had him laughing and holding his sides as he wiggled in his chair.

“If you ask him for a ride I’m sure he’ll give you one. Zeb’s really nice. He’s a giant.”

If I asked Zeb for a ride it wouldn’t be happening in his truck, or maybe it would, but either way it wasn’t the kind of ride Hyde was talking about.

“He is kind of a giant, but that’s a good thing. No one messes with a giant.”

The little boy nodded and pushed my haphazardly constructed castle back toward me. “And you’re a princess.”

I couldn’t stop a snort from escaping. “Sorry, buddy, not even close.”

His eyes widened in his face and he flashed that adorable grin at me again. He was going to be a heartbreaker and Zeb was going to have his hands full when the little guy got older.

“You’re pretty like a princess. You have fancy shoes like a princess. You’re nice like a princess. You grant wishes like a princess.”

I lifted an eyebrow at him. “Princesses grant wishes?” I think he was getting his Disney references confused, but he was five, so I wasn’t in a rush to correct him.

He nodded so vigorously I thought he was going to topple out of his chair. “I wished for someone to come take care of me when my mom went away and you showed up with Zeb.” He looked down at the collection of Legos and then back up at me. I was blinking to combat the tears I felt burning at the back of my eyes. “You granted my wish.”

I gulped, hard, and reached out across the table so I could touch his cheek. His skin was so soft, so delicate. I admired this little boy who’d suffered so much and still had a heart of gold. Again I thought how brave it was for people who’d been hurt, who had been kicked around by life and the people in it, to allow themselves to feel all those things and to still have hope.

“I’m glad I got to grant your wish for you, Hyde. You deserve to have lots and lots of people in your life taking care of you.”

The somber moment was broken by another one of the foster kids running in buck naked and screaming at the top of his lungs. I knew it was a simple cry for attention, something all kids needed, so I invited the rest of the kids in the house to play Legos with us, and by the time I left, an entire city was taking shape on the kitchen table.

Hyde was happy. He was well adjusted, and he obviously loved Zeb. I told myself I could leave it all alone, there were no more questions to be asked, and that my part in their budding relationship was done.

It wasn’t that easy. It never was.

The entire way home I fought back tears because while my job was everything, while I now had a family I could lean on and things outside my office that required me to be present and available, it suddenly didn’t seem like it would be enough. Kids were never something I thought would be for me. When my father was alive I knew having one wasn’t an option. I could never subject a defenseless child to what I had endured, and frankly none of the men I dated ever inspired the urge for home and hearth in me. Not even the one I was supposed to marry. Now my father was gone, my life was my own, and there was a man . . . a man who was all man and so much more . . . who inspired everything inside of me.