Jane Cook - Stories of Faith and Courage from the War in Iraq and Afghanistan

By this time, Mark had assumed the position of Director of Operations for all the East Coast SEAL teams, which meant several trips back and forth overseas, in and out of combat zones. Even when Mark was home, he was busy training and preparing himself and others to deploy again. So without a sustained amount of time to really address the problem, the situation could not improve.

“When the men come home whether it’s for two weeks of rest and relaxation and going back to the war front or maybe they’re coming home for six months they’re trying to avoid the conflict,” said Marshele. “They’re trying to reconnect and have a life. Spouses don’t have time to address these huge problems or even avoid them. A year after Mark had come home in May 2003, I had reached the end of me.”

As a veteran military wife, Marshele had been able to categorize and file away everything for awhile, but she got to a point where she couldn’t do it any more. “I was saturated with what had been our military life experience. I told him that whether he went with me or not, I needed counseling. I had to go find somebody objective that could tell me I wasn’t going insane.”

Lord, help me surround myself with people who will speak truth and wisdom to me.

“My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?” (Psalm 6:3)

While the Waddell family felt like they were crumbling on the inside, on the outside, they still seemed picture perfect. Yellow ribbons hugged the trees in their yard and flags waved proudly overhead. Friends of their high school son were in and out of the house all the time. There was no indication that anything was wrong and that’s the way Mark wanted it.

“I was kind of glad Marshele got counseling if that’s what she needed, but then I was also a little worried about my career if people found out,” said Mark. “We had been a community pillar of strength and faith, and I didn’t want to show that our faith had been shaken or that we were at risk as a couple, because it would have made a farce of everything we had said and stood for.”

As an officer in special operations, Mark’s response to the nagging sense that something was wrong was to just carry on.

“[SEALS are] used to suffering,” said Mark. “We’re used to enduring and doing without.” So alone, Mark dealt with nightmares, emotional numbness, distressing and vivid daytime flashbacks. He saved his tears for when he was alone.

About a year and a half after Marshele started counseling, Mark admitted that he needed help, also. But he didn’t want to talk about it with Marshele; he just wanted her to know that he recognized there was a problem that he was struggling with and needed help.

“I saw my marriage unraveling,” said Mark. And then I thought to myself, All this sacrifice and I’m about ready to be here on earth with nothing left. My wife, my children, and everything I had fought for and was willing to die for I was about to lose because of my response to the people that I was supposed to love.

“Is there anything that you wouldn’t do to save our marriage?” Marshele asked him.

“I would do anything,” Mark responded.

“Would you go talk to a doctor? Would you just go see your doctor?”

Lord, when life seems to fall apart around me, speak to my heart and create in me a steadfast spirit to wait upon you.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10)

When Mark decided to talk to a doctor, he chose one with whom he had already developed a deep respect for: Dr. Dan Sutton, a SEAL team doctor, a regular physician. When there was a mass casualty in Afghanistan, the largest loss of SEAL life in history, Dr. Sutton and Mark were intimately involved when the bodies were brought back through Dover, and their remains returned to the families.

“Doc Sutton went to Dover and was with everybody that returned,” said Mark. “As a result he more fully understood what combat stress was all about he knew the symptoms of post-traumatic stress and its disorder.”

Mark was also watching people coming back, including the wounded, the remains, and those who had no visible injuries to their bodies. “I understood that there were post-traumatic symptoms going on within the field community and with the guys returning from combat,” said Mark. “There were just an incredible number of deaths that happened in Afghanistan. The smells of rotted flesh still clung to the equipment that came back.”

Mark knew that Dr. Sutton had been doing a lot of reading on PTSD and comparing notes with what he observed in the troops coming home. “I told him that I would like him to start informing us on what he was seeing, so that we could keep our commodore, the guy in charge of all the SEAL teams on the East Coast, informed. We had a great working relationship with each other,” said Mark.

Another instrumental player in Mark’s life at that time was the Group chaplain, Cory Cathcart, who had also been doing a lot of reading and research about the effect of combat stress.

“So through what I learned from the chaplain and the doctor, and by Marshele getting counseling, I realized that I was one of them,” said Mark. “I was one of the thousands of service members with PTSD.”

Great Physician, heal us of the pain of our yesterdays and our todays.

“Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.” (Psalm 86:3)

“I was praying without ceasing,” said Mark. “I was afraid of breaking. I thought I was going crazy.”

When Mark vulnerably described to Dr. Sutton how he was doing emotionally with all the trauma that he had experienced, Dr. Sutton said it was ordinary human capacity trying to adapt to abnormal stress.

“Mark, post-traumatic stress and post-traumatic stress disorder are not mental illnesses,” Dr. Sutton told Mark in his office. “You’re not going crazy. All this stuff that’s going on right now is not your fault.”

Mark agreed with Dr. Sutton to go get counseling, but only as long as it was faith-based. “The only thing I was hanging onto was my belief in Jesus as a Christ-follower,” said Mark. “If I didn’t start off with faith-based counseling, then it would be a futile endeavor.”

As soon as he began his series of counseling, Mark noticed a positive change. “That’s because with Dr. Sutton I had an emotional breakdown, and then the confirmation that I wasn’t going crazy from someone who studies the mind, the psyche, and PTSD,” said Mark. “It was so reassuring to learn that all these circumstances of this trauma weren’t my fault. All these feelings that I was having were a normal response to extraordinary trauma.”

Mark was also told that PTSD is the only clinically diagnosed anxiety order that’s directly associated with a known cause. “These were landmark things for me because when I thought I going crazy, when I thought I was losing everything, and then I hear the diagnosis, I knew there was hope,” he said. “There was hope for recovery not only some recovery but complete recovery, to go back to feeling again, to loving again, to establishing relationships again.”

Lord, thank you for the hope we have because of your mighty power and grace.

“Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!” (Psalm 66:20)