Ahmad al-Shidyaq - Leg over Leg - Volumes Three and Four

3.2.4

By such speedy calculations, he reconciled himself to bearing the burdens of love from wherever it might come and this opened the door before the two of them to signing back and forth with a hand placed now upon the heart, next upon the cheek, a finger yoked to another, beseeching arms extended with a gulp and a sigh, pursed lips, a nodding head, and other such things to which love’s novices resort (old hands in contrast being satisfied with nothing less than the “twisting of the side-tresses” 12specified by the master, Imruʾ al-Qays). The era of the sign lasted for many long days, without speech, but when the hands and other limbs could no longer translate what was in the heart, especially in view of the distance between them, they came up with a stratagem by which they might meet in a certain place, so that the lover might behold his beloved.

3.2.5

When he saw her close up, he found her to be a woman big of bosom and bottom, the credit for this going to the inventor of Egyptian dress, for had she been wearing Frankish clothes, he would never have known if the things on her chest were dyed wool, cotton bolls, cotton cardings, teased wool, papyrus cotton, wool waste, silk, or breasts,(1) or whether what was behind her was a bustle or flesh and fat. These two characteristics — by which I mean bigness of bosom and bigness of bottom — are the best one can want from a woman, for the first assures the appeal of the forward dimension, the second that of the rearward. I might add that it is reported that Our Master Sulaymān, peace be upon him, said in praise of bigness of bosom (Proverbs, chapter 5), “Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times.” 13Someone might object that, should the two bodies be gathered together in one place, the presence of colored wool, etc., would not — given the presence of hands and possibility of their giving the body a good squeeze here and there as one would when testing a ram for fatness(2) — prevent the investigation of the status of the abovementioned characteristics. The response would be that such a situation is generally prohibited in the lands of the East, especially on the first occasion; the rest of the world has no such prohibition, which is why the use of bustles has spread, which no one can deny.

3.2.6

Now, given that we were previously presented, in Book One, 14with a description, in the Frankish style, of a donkey, there can be no harm in presenting here too a description in the same style of a man on the verge of marriage. Thus we declare: it is a time that seduces him with thoughts of the joys of being wed and makes him drool as he anticipates the pleasures of the bed . No thoughts of future troubles cross his mind — all he can surmise , the most his mind devise , is “My state is not like that of my friends and neighbors who married and were disappointed in their hopes . They didn’t give marriage its due, didn’t cling with confidence to its ropes , for some wedded when unequal to its demands, either for want of magnanimity or of liquidity , or because of a disparity between them and their wives in age or, in their instrument, some debility , or were prone to come at the rim, before entering the hole , or rejected by their wives, or reduced to a constant tizzy by the husband’s role ,(1) or because their emir had exiled them from their houses , or because their mothers constantly spied on their spouses , or because of quarrels with their neighbors over where to water their cattle , or because their imams regarded their wives as chattel . 15For all these reasons, squabbles would break out between man and wife and they’d go for long periods in a state of strife , shifts would be ripped from in front and from the rear , 16heads and pubes plucked of their hair , uproar would never stop , skins would be scratched with fingernails, and the scented herbs upon the beds would go to rot .

3.2.7

“I, though, am free, praise God, from any such flaw . Nothing need come between me and my wife, no man will jostle me for her affections, she won’t find me a bore . My happiness will be hers, my wishes and hers the same . I am neither toothless nor foul of breath nor hunchbacked nor lame . I have two hands with which to work , two legs that, to earn their living, will not shirk , and if in my body there’s any distemper , it’s covered by my excellence of temper . I will object to none of her cooking, her clothes, or her manner of reposing , for she’ll sleep next to me and adopt what suits us both by way of clothing . What then should stop me from taking a mate , one possessed of each such happy trait , even should people, hearing that my spouse is full of affection , that with me her honor enjoys full protection and her face no visitor sees , envy me such abundant ease ? Every choking sorrow will then seem easy to swallow , and it’s no secret what pleasure lies in giving the envious the finger —a pleasure over which no connoisseur will hesitate to linger . Not to mention the delight found by the psyche in the companionate gender , whose nearness to the heart comfort, and in times of stress an outlet, doth render . One who endures his toil by day only by night to sleep alone and who no bedmate to breathe into his nostrils or warm his blood from in front and behind owns is meet to be counted among the dead and thrown among the bones . In addition, I shall by her saliva to the need for drink be made immune , by the smell of her hair to the need for musk and other perfume , for they say that the smell of a woman from the roots of the hair (be those in the body’s cracks and crevices or on the head) may be inhaled and by it all the senses are derailed . Likewise, the heat of her body will suffice as fuel to keep me warm , the sight of her serve as antimony and balm , meaning that I shall save at least one silver coin a day , half of which for a daily morning visit to the bathhouse I’ll pay , leaving me the other half to live on, which is riches indeed and will suffice for any need .

3.2.8

“As to what people say about ‘women’s wiles’ and how they ride their husbands so hard they’re left beyond the reach of consolation , in most cases this isn’t true — and no rule’s without exceptions to its general application . I may be the first to expose this qualification and fashion, in praise of marriage for bachelors, such a commendation , and how could this not be so, when I’m a master of chaste language and eloquence , a man of craft and intelligence ? Thus none of her cunning ways will defy me and none of her attempts at concealment get by me . I shall oppose her and remonstrate , and that my superiority to her compels her to obey and comply I shall demonstrate . One day I’ll tell her, ‘This is a day on which the married desist and active lovers to celibacy keep ’ to which she’ll reply, ‘I shall be the first to desist and the last to sleep .’ Should I tell her, ‘It’s not attractive for a respectable married woman to put her charms on display ,’ she’ll tell me, ‘Or flirt and play ,’ and if I tell her, ‘A wife her husband once a week has a right to expect ,’ she’ll tell me, ‘While remaining chaste and worthy of respect .’ If I tell her, ‘Jewelry’s no requirement for a wedding ,’ she’ll tell me, ‘and nor is brocade, that most evil cladding .’ Taken as a whole, my life with her will be easy, my state happy, my good fortune extensive, my food wholesome , my drink healthy, my clothes clean, my bed comfy, my possessions well guarded, my house no longer lonesome . Good cheer will be there, my every effort blessed , my status one of note, my endeavors guaranteed success . Hie ye then to marriage with a jolly girl who’s full of coquetry , whose looks provide a cure for bankruptcy , and to bed whom is to ride the road to victory !” End.