Уильям Моэм - The Narrow Corner

The doctor gave his thin, derisive smile, and his lips were drawn back from his long yellow teeth so that you thought of the snarl of a gorilla.

“Goodness. I know, it’s shattering. One doesn’t know what to do about it. It knocks human relations endways. Damned shame, isn’t it?”

“Christ, why can’t you talk like everybody else?”

“Go on.”

“Well, I just felt I had to have it out with him. I wanted to tell him the whole thing. I was quite ready to marry the girl. I just couldn’t help myself with her, I mean. After all, it was only human nature. You’re old, you don’t know what it is. It’s all very well when you’re fifty. I knew I shouldn’t have a moment’s rest till I put myself right with him. When I got to his house I stood outside for I don’t know how long, screwing up my courage; it wanted some nerve to go in, you know, but I just forced myself. I couldn’t help thinking that if he hadn’t killed me then he wouldn’t kill me now. I knew he didn’t lock the door. That first time we went there he just turned the handle and walked in. But, my God, my heart was thumping when I got in the passage. It was pitch–black when I shut the door. I called his name, but he didn’t answer. I knew where his room was and I went along and I knocked at the door. Somehow, I didn’t believe he was asleep. I knocked again and then I shouted, ‘Erik, Erik.’ At least I tried to shout, but my throat was so dry my voice was as hoarse as a raven’s. I couldn’t make out why he didn’t answer. I thought he was just waiting in there, listening. I was in a blue funk, I had half a mind to cut and run, but I didn’t. I tried the latch, the door wasn’t locked, and I opened it. I couldn’t see a thing, I called again and I said: ‘For God’s sake speak to me, Erik.’ Then I struck a match and I gave a great jump. I almost jumped out of my skin, he was lying on the floor, at my feet, and if I’d taken a step more I should have tumbled over him. I dropped the match and I couldn’t see a thing. I screamed at him. I thought he’d fainted or was dead drunk or something. I tried to strike another match, but the damned thing wouldn’t light, and then, when it did, I held it over him and, my God, the whole side of his head was shot away. The match went out and I lit another. I saw the lamp and I lit that. I knelt down and felt his hand. It was quite warm. He had a revolver clenched in the other hand. I touched his face to see if he was alive. There was blood all over the place. My God, you never saw such a wound; and then I just came round here as quick as I could. I shall never forget that sight as long as I live.”

He hid his face with his hands and in his misery rocked to and fro. Then a sob broke from him and, throwing himself back in the chair, he turned his face away and wept. Dr. Saunders let him cry. He reached out for a cigarette, lit it and deeply inhaled the smoke.

“Did you leave the lamp burning?” he said at last.

“Oh, damn the lamp,” cried Fred impatiently. “Don’t be such a bloody fool.”

“It doesn’t matter. He could just as well have shot himself with the lamp burning as in the darkness. Funny none of the boys should have heard anything. I suppose they would have thought it was a Chinaman letting off a cracker.”

Fred put aside all that the doctor said. Nothing of that was of any consequence.

“What in God’s name made him do it?” he cried desperately.

“He was engaged to Louise.”

The effect of the doctor’s remark was startling. Fred sprang to his feet with a bound, and his face grew livid. His eyes almost started out of his head with horror.

“Erik? He never told me.”

“I suppose he thought it was none of your damned business.”

“She didn’t tell me. She never said a word. Oh, God. If I’d known I wouldn’t have touched her with the fag–end of a barge–pole. You’re just saying that. It can’t be true. It can’t.”

“He told me so himself.”

“Was he awfully in love with her?”

“Awfully.”

“Then why didn’t he kill me or her instead of himself?”

Dr. Saunders gave a laugh.

“Curious, isn’t it?”

“For God’s sake don’t laugh. I’m so miserable. I thought nothing worse could happen to me than what has. But this…. She meant nothing to me, really. If I’d only known I wouldn’t have thought of fooling about with her. He was the best pal a chap ever had. I wouldn’t have hurt him for anything in the world. What a beast he must have thought me! He’d been so awfully decent to me.”

Tears filled his eyes and flowed slowly down his cheeks. He cried bitterly.

“Isn’t life foul? You start a thing and you don’t think twice about it, and then there’s hell to pay. I think there’s a curse on me.”

He looked at the doctor, his mouth trembling and his fine eyes heavy with woe. Dr. Saunders examined his own feelings. He did not quite approve of the faint satisfaction he felt in the young man’s grief. He had a tendency to feel that what he was suffering served him right. At the same time he was unreasonably sorry to see him unhappy. He looked so young and woebegone he could not help being touched.

“You’ll get over it, you know,” he said. “There’s nothing one doesn’t get over.”

“I wish I was dead. My old man said I was no damned good and I bet he was right. I make trouble wherever I go. I swear it’s not all my fault. The lousy bitch. Why didn’t she leave me alone? Can you imagine that a girl who was engaged to a chap like Erik should go to bed with the first man she sees. Well, there’s one thing, he was well rid of her.”

“You’re talking rubbish.”

“I may be a stinking bad lot, but, by God, I’m not as bad as she is. I thought I was going to get another chance and now it’s all gone to hell.”

He hesitated a moment.

“You remember that cable I got this morning? It told me something I didn’t know. It was so extraordinary, I couldn’t make it out at first. There’s a letter for me at Batavia. It’s all right for me to go there now. It was rather a shock at first. I didn’t know whether to laugh or what. The cable says I died of scarlet fever at the Fever Hospital just outside Sydney. I saw what it meant after a bit. Father’s rather important in New South Wales. There was a bad epidemic. They rushed someone to the hospital under my name; they had to explain why I didn’t go to the office and all that, and when the chap died I died too. If I know my old man he was damned glad to get rid of me. Well, there’s someone who’ll lie nice and cosy in the family grave. Father’s a wonderful organizer. It’s him that’s kept the party in power so long. He wasn’t going to take a risk if he could help it, and I expect as long as I was above ground he never could feel quite safe. The government got in again at the election. Did you see that? A thumping majority. I can see him with a black band round his arm.”

He gave a mirthless chuckle. Dr. Saunders shot a question at him, abruptly.

“What did you do?”

Fred looked away. He answered in a low, choked voice.

“I killed a chap.”

“I wouldn’t tell too many people if I were you,” said the doctor.

“You seem to take it pretty calm. Have you ever killed anyone?”

“Only professionally.”

Fred looked up quickly and a smile was wrung from his tortured lips.

“You’re a queer fellow, doc. Blest if I can make you out. When one’s talking to you, somehow nothing seems to matter a damn. Isn’t there anything that makes a difference to you? Isn’t there anything you believe in?”

“Why did you kill him? For fun?”

“A damned lot of fun I got out of it. What I’ve gone through! I wonder it hasn’t turned my hair grey. You see, I brooded over it. I could never forget it. I’d be feeling all merry and bright and having a good time and then suddenly I’d remember. I was afraid to go to sleep sometimes. I used to dream I was being pinioned and just going to be hanged. Half a dozen times I’ve been on the point of slipping overboard one night when nobody was looking, and just swimming till I drowned or a shark got me. If you only knew what a relief it was when I got that cable and understood what it meant! My God, it was a weight off my mind. I was safe. You know, I never felt really safe on the lugger and when we landed anywhere I was always looking for someone to nab me. The first time I saw you, I thought you were a detective and you were on my track. D’you know the first thing I thought this morning? ‘Now I shall be able to sleep sound.’ And then this had got to happen. I tell you there’s a curse on me.”