Evelyn Waugh - A Handful Of Dust

“Brandy.” They had to buy a whole bottle. They filled in an order form to the Montmorency Wine Company and paid two pounds. When it came it had a label saying Very Old Liquor Fine Champagne. Imported by the Montmorency Wine Co . The waiter brought ginger ale and four glasses. Two young ladies came and sat with them. They were called Milly and Babs. Milly said, “Are you in town for long?” Babs said, “Have you got such a thing as a cigarette?”

Tony danced with Babs. She said, “Are you fond of dancing?”

“No, are you?”

“So-so.”

“Well, let's sit down.”

The waiter said, “Will you a buy a ticket in a raffle for box of chocolates?”

“No.”

“Buy one for me,” said Babs.

Jock began to describe the specifications of the Basic Pig.

… Milly said, “You're married, aren't you?”

“No,” said Jock.

“Oh I can always tell,” said Milly. “Your friend is too.”

“Yes, he is.”

“You'd be surprised how many gentlemen come here just to talk about their wives.”

“He hasn't.”

Tony was leaning across the table and saying to Babs, “You see the trouble is my wife is studious. She's taking a course in economics.”

Babs said, “I think it's nice for a girl to be interested in things.”

The waiter said, “What will you be taking for supper?”

“Why we've only just had dinner.”

“How about a nice haddock?”

“I tell you what I must do, is to telephone. Where is it?”

“D'you mean really the telephone or the gentlemen's?”

“No, the telephone.”

“U'stairs in the office.”

Tony rang up Brenda. It was some time before she answered, then, “Yes, who is it?”

“I have a message here from Mr. Anthony Last and Mr. Jocelyn Grant-Menzies.”

“Oh, it's you Tony. Well, what do you want?”

“You recognized my voice?”

“I did.”

“Well, I only wanted to give a message but as I am speaking to you I can give it myself, can't I?”

“Yes.”

“Well Jock and I are terribly sorry but we can't come round this evening after all.”

“Oh.”

“You don't think it very rude I hope, but we have a lot to attend to.”

“That's all right, Tony.”

“Did I wake you up by any chance?”

“That's all right, Tony,”

“Well, goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Tony went down to the table. “I've been talking to Brenda. She sounded rather annoyed. D'you think we ought to go round there.”

“We promised we would,” said Jock.

“You should never disappoint a lady,” said Milly.

“Oh it's too late now.”

Babs said, “You two are officers, aren't you?”

“No, why?”

“I thought you were.”

Milly said, “I like business gentlemen best, myself. They've more to say.”

“What d'you do?”

“I design postman's hats,” said Jock.

“Oh, go on.”

“And my friend here trains sea lions.”

“Tell us another.”

Babs said, “I got a gentleman friend who works on a newspaper.”

After a time Jock said, “I say, ought we to do something about Brenda?”

“You told her we weren't coming, didn't you?”

“Yes … but she might still be hoping.”

“I tell you what, you go and ring her up and find out if she really wants us.”

“All right.” He came back ten minutes later. “ I thought she sounded rather annoyed,” he reported. “But I said in the end we wouldn't come.”

“She may be tired,” said Tony. “Has to get up early to do economics. Now I come to think of it someone did say she was tired, earlier on in the evening.”

“I say what's this frightful piece of fish?”

“The waiter said you ordered it.”

“Perhaps I did.”

“I'll give it to the club cat,” said Babs, “she's a dear called Blackberry.”

They danced once or twice. Then Jock said, “D'you think we ought to ring up Brenda again?”

“Perhaps we ought. She sounded annoyed with us.”

“Let's go now and ring her up on the way out.”

“Aren't you coming home with us?” said Babs.

“Not tonight, I'm afraid.”

“Be a sport,” said Milly.

“No, we can't really.”

“All right. Well how about a little present? We're professional dancing partners, you know,” said Babs.

“Oh yes, sorry, how much?”

“Oh, we leave that to the gentlemen.”

Tony gave them a pound. “You might make it a bit more,” said Babs. “We've sat with you two hours.” Jock gave another pound. “Come and see us again one evening when you've more time,” said Milly.

“I'm feeling rather ill,” said Tony on the way upstairs. “Don't think I shall bother to ring up Brenda.”

“Send a message.”

“That's a good idea … Look here,” he said to the seedy commissionaire. “Will you ring up this Sloane number and speak to her ladyship and say Mr. Grant-Menzies and Mr. Last are very sorry but they cannot call this evening. Got that?” He gave the man half a crown and they sauntered out into Sink Street. “Brenda can't expect us to do more than that,” he said.

“I tell you what I'll do. I go almost past her door so I'll ring the bell a bit just in case she's awake and still waiting up for us.”

“Yes, you do that. What a good friend you are, Jock.”

“Oh I'm fond of Brenda … a grand girl.”

“Grand girl … I wish I didn't feel ill.”

Tony was awake at eight next morning, miserably articulating in his mind the fragmentary memories of the preceding night. The more he remembered, the baser his conduct appeared to him. At nine he had his bath and some tea. At ten he was wondering whether he should ring Brenda up when the difficulty was solved by her ringing him.

“Well, Tony, how do you feel?”

“Awful. I was tight.”

“You were.”

“I'm feeling pretty guilty too.”

“I'm not surprised.”

“I don't remember everything very clearly but I have the impression that Jock and I were rather bores.”

“You were.”

“Are you in a rage?”

“Well, I was last night. What made you do it, Tony, grown up men like you two?”

“We felt low.”

“I bet you feel lower this morning … A box of white roses has just arrived from Jock.”

“I wish I'd thought of that.”

“You're such infants both of you.”

“You aren't really in a rage?”

“Of course I'm not, darling. Now just you go straight back to the country. You'll feel all right again tomorrow.”

“Am I not going to see you?”

“Not today I'm afraid. I've got lectures all the morning and I'm lunching out. But I'll be coming down on Friday evening or anyway Saturday morning.”

“I see. You couldn't possibly chuck lunch or one of the lectures.”

“Not possibly, darling.”

“I see. You are an angel to be so sweet about last night.”

“Nothing could have been more fortunate,” Brenda said. “If I know Tony he'll be tortured with guilt for weeks to come. It was maddening last night but it was worth it. He's put himself so much in the wrong now that he won't dare to feel resentful, let alone say anything, whatever I do. And he hasn't really enjoyed himself at all, the poor sweet, so that ' s a good thing too. He had to learn not to make surprise visits.”

“You are one for making people learn things,” said Beaver.

Tony emerged from the 3.18 feeling cold, tired, and heavy with guilt. John Andrew had come in with the car to meet him. “Hullo, daddy, had a good time in London? You didn't mind me coming to the station did you? I made nanny let me.”

“Very pleased to see you, John.”