JAMES JOYCE - ULYSSES

PRIVATE CARR

( with ferocious articulation ) I’ll do him in, so help me fucking Christ! I’ll wring the bastard fucker’s bleeding blasted fucking windpipe!

(The retriever, nosing on the fringe of the crowd, barks noisily.)

BLOOM

( runs to Lynch ) Can’t you get him away?

LYNCH

He likes dialectic, the universal language. Kitty! ( to Bloom ) Get him away, you. He won’t listen to me.

(He drags Kitty away.)

STEPHEN

( points ) Exit Judas. Et laqueo se suspendit.

BLOOM

( runs to Stephen ) Come along with me now before worse happens. Here’s your stick.

STEPHEN

Stick, no. Reason. This feast of pure reason.

OLD GUMMY GRANNY

( thrusts a dagger towards Stephen’s hand ) Remove him, acushla. At 8.35 a.m. you will be in heaven and Ireland will be free. ( she prays ) O good God, take him!

CISSY CAFFREY

( pulling Private Carr ) Come on, you’re boosed. He insulted me but I forgive him. ( shouting in his ear ) I forgive him for insulting me.

BLOOM

( over Stephen’s shoulder ) Yes, go. You see he’s incapable.

PRIVATE CARR

( breaks loose ) I’ll insult him.

(He rushes towards Stephen, fist outstretched, and strikes him in the face. Stephen totters, collapses, falls, stunned. He lies prone, his face to the sky, his hat rolling to the wall. Bloom follows and picks it up.)

MAJOR TWEEDY

( loudly ) Carbine in bucket! Cease fire! Salute!

THE RETRIEVER

( barking furiously ) Ute ute ute ute ute ute ute ute.

THE CROWD

Let him up! Don’t strike him when he’s down! Air! Who? The soldier hit him. He’s a professor. Is he hurted? Don’t manhandle him! He’s fainted!

A HAG

What call had the redcoat to strike the gentleman and he under the influence. Let them go and fight the Boers!

THE BAWD

Listen to who’s talking! Hasn’t the soldier a right to go with his girl? He gave him the coward’s blow.

(They grab at each other’s hair, claw at each other and spit.)

THE RETRIEVER

( barking ) Wow wow wow.

BLOOM

( shoves them back, loudly ) Get back, stand back!

PRIVATE COMPTON

( tugging his comrade ) Here. Bugger off, Harry. Here’s the cops!

(Two raincaped watch, tall, stand in the group.)

FIRST WATCH

What’s wrong here?

PRIVATE COMPTON

We were with this lady. And he insulted us. And assaulted my chum. ( the retriever barks ) Who owns the bleeding tyke?

CISSY CAFFREY

( with expectation ) Is he bleeding!

A MAN

( rising from his knees ) No. Gone off. He’ll come to all right.

BLOOM

( glances sharply at the man ) Leave him to me. I can easily …..

SECOND WATCH

Who are you? Do you know him?

PRIVATE CARR

( lurches towards the watch ) He insulted my lady friend.

BLOOM

( angrily ) You hit him without provocation. I’m a witness. Constable, take his regimental number.

SECOND WATCH

I don’t want your instructions in the discharge of my duty.

PRIVATE COMPTON

( pulling his comrade ) Here, bugger off, Harry. Or Bennett’ll shove you in the lockup.

PRIVATE CARR

( staggering as he is pulled away ) God fuck old Bennett. He’s a whitearsed bugger. I don’t give a shit for him.

FIRST WATCH

( takes out his notebook ) What’s his name?

BLOOM

( peering over the crowd ) I just see a car there. If you give me a hand a second, sergeant ….

FIRST WATCH

Name and address.

(Corny Kelleher, weepers round his hat, a death wreath in his hand, appears among the bystanders.)

BLOOM

( quickly ) O, the very man! ( he whispers ) Simon Dedalus’ son. A bit sprung. Get those policemen to move those loafers back.

SECOND WATCH

Night, Mr Kelleher.

CORNY KELLEHER

( to the watch, with drawling eye ) That’s all right. I know him. Won a bit on the races. Gold cup. Throwaway . ( he laughs ) Twenty to one. Do you follow me?

FIRST WATCH

( turns to the crowd ) Here, what are you all gaping at? Move on out of that.

(The crowd disperses slowly, muttering, down the lane.)

CORNY KELLEHER

Leave it to me, sergeant. That’ll be all right. ( he laughs, shaking his head ) We were often as bad ourselves, ay or worse. What? Eh, what?

FIRST WATCH

( laughs ) I suppose so.

CORNY KELLEHER

( nudges the second watch ) Come and wipe your name off the slate. ( he lilts, wagging his head ) With my tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom. What, eh, do you follow me?

SECOND WATCH

( genially ) Ah, sure we were too.

CORNY KELLEHER

( winking ) Boys will be boys. I’ve a car round there.

SECOND WATCH

All right, Mr Kelleher. Good night.

CORNY KELLEHER

I’ll see to that.

BLOOM

( shakes hands with both of the watch in turn ) Thank you very much, gentlemen. Thank you. ( he mumbles confidentially ) We don’t want any scandal, you understand. Father is a wellknown highly respected citizen. Just a little wild oats, you understand.

FIRST WATCH

O. I understand, sir.

SECOND WATCH

That’s all right, sir.

FIRST WATCH

It was only in case of corporal injuries I’d have to report it at the station.

BLOOM

( nods rapidly ) Naturally. Quite right. Only your bounden duty.

SECOND WATCH

It’s our duty.

CORNY KELLEHER

Good night, men.

THE WATCH

( saluting together ) Night, gentlemen.

(They move off with slow heavy tread.)

BLOOM

( blows ) Providential you came on the scene. You have a car …?

CORNY KELLEHER

( laughs, pointing his thumb over his right shoulder to the car brought up against the scaffolding ) Two commercials that were standing fizz in Jammet’s. Like princes, faith. One of them lost two quid on the race. Drowning his grief. And were on for a go with the jolly girls. So I landed them up on Behan’s car and down to nighttown.

BLOOM

I was just going home by Gardiner street when I happened to …

CORNY KELLEHER

( laughs ) Sure they wanted me to join in with the mots. No, by God, says I. Not for old stagers like myself and yourself. ( he laughs again and leers with lacklustre eye ) Thanks be to God we have it in the house, what, eh, do you follow me? Hah, hah, hah!

BLOOM

( tries to laugh ) He, he, he! Yes. Matter of fact I was just visiting an old friend of mine there, Virag, you don’t know him ( poor fellow, he’s laid up for the past week ) and we had a liquor together and I was just making my way home ……

(The horse neighs.)

THE HORSE

Hohohohohohoh! Hohohohome!

CORNY KELLEHER

Sure it was Behan our jarvey there that told me after we left the two commercials in Mrs Cohen’s and I told him to pull up and got off to see. ( he laughs ) Sober hearsedrivers a speciality. Will I give him a lift home? Where does he hang out? Somewhere in Cabra, what?

BLOOM

No, in Sandycove, I believe, from what he let drop.

(Stephen, prone, breathes to the stars. Corny Kelleher, asquint, drawls at the horse. Bloom, in gloom, looms town.)

CORNY KELLEHER

( scratches his nape ) Sandycove! ( he bends down and calls to Stephen ) Eh! ( he calls again ) Eh! He’s covered with shavings anyhow. Take care they didn’t lift anything off him.