Evelyn Waugh - Decline and Fall

In a few seconds the room had become divided into two parties: those who were Tangent and those who were not. Blows were already being exchanged, when the door opened and Grimes came in. There was a slight hush.

'I thought you might want this, he said, handing Paul a walking stick. 'And if you take my advice, you'll set them something to do.

He went out; and Paul, firmly grasping the walking-stick, faced his form.

'Listen, he said. 'I don't care a damn what any of you are called, but if there's another word from anyone I shall keep you all in this afternoon.

'You can't keep me in, said Clutterbuck; 'I'm going for a walk with Captain Grimes.

'Then I shall very nearly kill you with this stick. Meanwhile you will all write an essay on "Self‑indulgence". There will be a prize of half a crown for the longest essay, irrespective of any possible merit.

From then onwards all was silence until break. Paul, still holding his stick, gazed despondently out of the window. Now and then there rose from below the shrill voices of the servants scolding each other in Welsh. By the time the bell rang Clutterbuck had covered sixteen pages, and was awarded the half‑crown.

'Did you find those boys difficult to manage? asked Mr Prendergast, filling his pipe.

'Not at all, said Paul.

'Ah, you're lucky. I find all boys utterly intractable. I don't know why it is. Of course my wig has a lot to do with it. Have you noticed that I wear a wig?

'No, no, of course not.

'Well, the boys did as soon as they saw it. It was a great mistake my ever getting one. I thought when I left Worthing that I looked too old to get a job easily. I was only forty‑one. It was very expensive, even though I chose the cheapest quality. Perhaps that's why it looks so like a wig. I don't know. I knew from the first that it was a mistake, but once they had seen it, it was too late to go back. They make all sorts of jokes about it.

'I expect they'd laugh at something else if it wasn't that.

'Yes, no doubt they would. I daresay it's a good thing to localize their ridicule as far as possible. Oh dear! oh dear! If it wasn't for my pipes, I don't know how I should manage to keep on. What made you come here?

'I was sent down from Scone for indecent behaviour.

'Oh yes, like Grimes?

'No, said Paul firmly, 'not like Grimes.

'Oh, well, it's all much the same really. And there's the bell. Oh dear! oh dear! I believe that loathsome little man's taken my gown.

Two days later Beste‑Chetwynde pulled out the vox humana and played Pop goes the Weasel.

'D'you know, sir, you've made rather a hit with the fifth form?

He and Paul were seated in the organ‑loft of the village church. It was their second music‑lesson.

'For goodness' sake, leave the organ alone. How d'you mean "hit"?

'Well, Clutterbuck was in the matron's room this morning. He'd just got a tin of pineapple chunks. Tangent said, "Are you going to take that into Hall?" and he said, "No, I'm going to eat them in Mr Pennyfeather's hour." "Oh no, you're not," said Tangent. "Sweets and biscuits are one thing, but pineapple chunks are going too far. It's little stinkers like you," he said, "who turn decent masters savage."

'Do you think that's so very complimentary?

'I think it's one of the most complimentary things I ever heard said about a master, said Beste‑Chetwynde; 'would you like me to try that hymn again?

'No, said Paul decisively.

'Well, then, I'll tell you another thing, said Beste-Chetwynde. 'You know that man Philbrick. Well, I think there's something odd about him.

'I've no doubt of it.

'It's not just that he's such a bad butler. The servants are always ghastly here. But I don't believe he's a butler at all.

'I don't quite see what else he can be.

'Well, have you ever known a butler with a diamond tie‑pin?

'No, I don't think I have.

'Well, Philbrick's got one, and a diamond ring too. He showed them to Brolly. Colossal great diamonds, Brolly says. Philbrick said he used to have bushels of diamonds and emeralds before the war, and that he used to eat off gold plate. We believe that he's a Russian prince in exile.

'Generally speaking, Russians are not shy about using their titles, are they? Besides, he looks very English.

'Yes, we thought of that, but Brolly said lots of Russians came to school in England before the war. And now I am going to play the organ, said Beste‑Chetwynde. 'After all, my mother does pay five guineas a term extra for me to learn.

Sitting over the Common Room fire that afternoon waiting for the bell for tea, Paul found himself reflecting that on the whole the last week had not been quite as awful as he had expected. As Beste-Chetwynde had told him, he was a distinct success with his form; after the first day an understanding had been established between them. It was tacitly agreed that when Paul wished to read or to write letters he was allowed to do so undisturbed while he left them to employ the time as they thought best; when Paul took it upon him to talk to them about their lessons they remained silent, and when he set them work to do some of it was done. It had rained steadily, so that there had been no games. No punishments, no reprisals, no exertion, and in the evenings the confessions of Grimes, any one of which would have glowed with outstanding shamelessness from the appendix to a treatise in psycho-analysis.

Mr Prendergast came in with the post.

'A letter for you, two for Grimes, nothing for me, he said. 'No one ever writes to me. There was a time when I used to get five or six letters a day, not counting circulars. My mother used to file them for me to answer ‑ one heap of charity appeals, another for personal letters, another for marriages and funerals, another for baptisms and churchings, and another for anonymous abuse. I wonder why it is the clergy always get so many letters of that sort, sometimes from quite educated people. I remember my father had great trouble in that way once, and he was forced to call in the police because they became so threatening. And, do you know, it was the curate's wife who had sent them ‑ such a quiet little woman. There's your letter. Grimes' look like bills. I can't think why shops give that man credit at all. I always pay cash, or at least I should if I ever bought anything. But d'you know that, except for my tobacco and the Daily News and occasionally a little port when it's very cold, I don't think I've bought anything for two years. The last thing I bought was that walking‑stick. I got it at Shanklin, and Grimes uses it for beating the boys with. I hadn't really meant to buy one, but I was there for the day ‑ two years this August ‑ and I went into the tobacconist's to buy some tobacco. He hadn't the sort I wanted, and I felt I couldn't go out without getting something, so I bought that. It cost one‑and‑six, he added wistfully, 'so I had no tea.

Paul took his letter. It had been forwarded from Onslow Square. On the flap were embossed the arms of Scone College. It was from one of his four friends.

Scone College, J.C.R.,

Oxford.

My dear Pennyfeather, it ran,

I need hardly tell you how distressed I was when I heard of your disastrous misfortune. It seems to me that a real injustice has been done to you. I have not heard the full facts of the case, but I was confirmed in my opinion by a very curious incident last evening. I was just going to bed when Digby‑Vane-Trumpington came into my rooms without knocking. He was smoking a cigar. I had never spoken to him before, as you know, and was very much surprised at his visit. He said: 'I'm told you are a friend of Pennyfeather's. I said I was, and he said: Well, I gather I've rather got him into a mess'; I said: Yes, and he said: Well, will you apologize to him for me when you write? I said I would. Then he said: 'Look here, I'm told he's rather poor. I thought of sending him some money ‑ £20 for sort of damages, you know. It's all I can spare at the moment. Wouldn't it be a useful thing to do? I fairly let him have it, I can tell you, and told him just what I thought of him for making such an insulting suggestion. I asked him how he dared treat a gentleman like that just because he wasn't in his awful set. He seemed rather taken aback and said: 'Well all my friends spend all their time trying to get money out of me, and went off.