Evelyn Waugh - Decline and Fall

It was three days before Paul next saw Mrs Beste-Chetwynde.

'Don't you think that she's the most wonderful woman in the world? said Paul.

'Wonderful? In what way?

He and Professor Silenus were standing on the terrace after dinner. The half‑finished mosaics at their feet were covered with planks and sacking; the great colonnade of black glass pillars shone in the moonlight; beyond the polished aluminium balustrade the park stretched silent and illimitable.

'The most beautiful and the most free. She almost seems like the creature of a different species. Don't you feel that?

'No, said the Professor after a few moments' consideration. 'I can't say that I do. If you compare her with other women of her age you will see that the particulars in which she differs from them are infinitesimal compared with the points of similarity. A few millimetres here and a few millimetres there, such variations are inevitable in the human reproductive system; but in all her essential functions ‑ her digestion, for example ‑ she conforms to type.

'You might say that about anybody.

'Yes, I do. But it's Margot's variations that I dislike so much. They are small, but obtrusive, like the teeth of a saw. Otherwise I might marry her.

'Why do you think she would marry you?

'Because, as I said, all her essential functions are normal. Anyway, she asked me to twice. The first time I said I would think it over, and the second time I refused. I'm sure I was right. She would interrupt me terribly. Besides, she's getting old. In ten years she will be almost worn out.

Professor Silenus looked at his watch ‑ a platinum disc from Cartier, the gift of Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde. 'Quarter to ten, he said. 'I must go to bed. He threw the end of his cigar clear of the terrace in a glowing parabola. 'What do you take to make you sleep?

'I sleep quite easily, said Paul, 'except on trains.

'You're lucky. Margot takes veronal. I haven't been to sleep for over a year. That's why I go to bed early. One needs more rest if one doesn't sleep.

That night as Paul marked his place in The Golden Bough, and, switching off his light, turned over to sleep he thought of the young man a few bedrooms away, lying motionless in the darkness, his hands at his sides, his legs stretched out, his eyes closed, and his brain turning and turning regularly all the night through, drawing in more and more power, storing it away like honey in its intricate cells and galleries, till the atmosphere about it became exhausted and vitiated and only the brain remained turning in the darkness.

So Margot Beste‑Chetwynde wanted to marry Otto Silenus, and in another corner of this extraordinary house she lay in a drugged trance, her lovely body cool and fragrant and scarcely stirring beneath the bedclothes; and outside in the park a thousand creatures were asleep, and beyond that, again, were Arthur Potts, and Mr Prendergast, and the Llanabba stationmaster. Quite soon Paul fell asleep. Downstairs Peter Beste‑Chetwynde mixed himself another brandy and soda and turned a page in Havelock Ellis, which, next to The Wind in the Willows, was his favourite book.

The aluminium blinds shot up, and the sun poured in through the vita‑glass, filling the room with beneficent rays. Another day had begun at King's Thursday.

From his bathroom window Paul looked down on to the terrace. The coverings had been removed, revealing the half‑finished pavement of silver and scarlet. Professor Silenus was already out there directing two workmen with the aid of a chart.

The week‑end party arrived at various times in the course of the day, but Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde kept to her room while Peter received them in the prettiest way possible. Paul never learned all their names, nor was he ever sure how many of them there were. He supposed about eight or nine, but as they all wore so many different clothes of identically the same kind, and spoke in the same voice, and appeared so irregularly at meals, there may have been several more or several less.

The first to come were The Hon. Miles Malpractice and David Lennox, the photographer. They emerged with little shrieks from an Edwardian electric brougham and made straight for the nearest looking‑glass.

In a minute the panotrope was playing, David and Miles were dancing, and Peter was making cocktails. The party had begun. Throughout the afternoon new guests arrived, drifting in vaguely or running in with cries of welcome just as they thought suited them best.

Pamela Popham, square‑jawed and resolute as a big-game huntress, stared round the room through her spectacles, drank three cocktails, said: 'My God! twice, cut two or three of her friends, and stalked off to bed.

'Tell Olivia I've arrived when she comes, she said to Peter.

After dinner they went to a whist drive and dance in the village hall. By half‑past two the house was quiet; at half‑past three Lord Parakeet arrived, slightly drunk and in evening clothes, having 'just escaped less than one second ago' from Alastair Trumpington's twenty‑first birthday party in London.

'Alastair was with me some of the way, he said, 'but I think he must have fallen out.

The party, or some of it, reassembled in pyjamas to welcome him. Parakeet walked round bird‑like and gay, pointing his thin white nose and making rude little jokes at everyone in turn in a shrill, emasculate voice. At four the house was again at rest.

Only one of the guests appeared to be at all ill at ease: Sir Humphrey Maltravers, the Minister of Transportation. He arrived early in the day with a very large car and two very small suitcases, and from the first showed himself as a discordant element in the gay little party by noticing the absence of their hostess.

'Margot? No, I haven't seen her at all. I don't believe she's terribly well, said one of them, 'or perhaps she's lost somewhere in the house. Peter will know.

Paul found him seated alone in the garden after luncheon, smoking a large cigar, his big red hands folded before him, a soft hat tilted over his eyes, his big red face both defiant and disconsolate. He bore a preternatural resemblance to his caricatures in the evening papers, Paul thought.

'Hullo, young man! he said. 'Where's everybody?

'I think Peter's taking them on a tour round the house. It's much more elaborate than it looks from outside. Would you care to join them?

'No, thank you, not for me. I came here for a rest. These young people tire me. I have enough of the House during the week. Paul laughed politely. 'It's the devil of a session. You keen on politics at all?

'Hardly at all, Paul said.

'Sensible fellow! I can't think why I keep on at it. It's a dog's life, and there's no money in it, either. If I'd stayed at the Bar I'd have been a rich man by now.

'Rest, rest and riches, he said ‑ 'it's only after forty one begins to value things of that kind. And half one's life, perhaps, is lived after forty. Solemn thought that. Bear it in mind, young man, and it will save you from most of the worst mistakes. If everyone at twenty realized that half his life was to be lived after forty…

'Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde's cooking and Mrs Beste-Chetwynde's garden, said Sir Humphrey meditatively. 'What could be desired more except our fair hostess herself? Have you known her long?

'Only a few weeks, said Paul.

'There's no one like her, said Sir Humphrey. He drew a deep breath of smoke. Beyond the yew hedges the panotrope could be faintly heard. 'What did she want to build this house for? he asked. 'It all comes of this set she's got into. It's not doing her any good. Damned awkward position to be in ‑ a rich woman without a husband! Bound to get herself talked about. What Margot ought to do is to marry — someone who would stabilize her position, someone, said Sir Humphrey, 'with a position in public life.