Evelyn Waugh - Decline and Fall

'That's for the Llanabba Silver Band, said the Doctor. 'Philbrick, I required you to take off those loathsome garments.

'They were new when I bought them, said Philbrick, 'and they cost eight pounds firteen. Anyhow, I can't do two things at once, can I? If I go back to change, who's going to manage all this, I'd like to know?

'All right! Finish what you are doing first. Let us just review the arrangements. The marquee is for the visitors' tea. That is Diana's province. I expect we shall find her at work.

Sure enough, there was Dingy helping two servants to arrange plates of highly‑coloured cakes down a trestle table. Two other servants in the background were cutting sandwiches. Dingy, too, was obviously enjoying herself.

'Jane, Emily, remember that that butter has to do for three loaves. Spread it thoroughly, but don't waste it, and cut the crusts as thin as possible. Father, will you see to it that the boys who come in with their parents come in alone? You remember last time how Briggs brought in four boys with him, and they ate all the jam sandwiches before Colonel Loder had had any. Mr Pennyfeather, the champagne‑cup is not for the masters. In fact, I expect you will find yourselves too much occupied helping the visitors to have any tea until they have left the tent. You had better tell Captain Grimes that, too. I am sure Mr Prendergast would not think of pushing himself forward.

Outside the marquee were assembled several seats and tubs of palms and flowering shrubs. 'All this must be set in order, said the Doctor; 'our guests may arrive in less than an hour. He passed on. 'The cars shall turn aside from the drive here and come right into the ground. It will give a pleasant background to the photographs, and, Pennyfeather, if you would with tact direct the photographer so that more prominence was given to Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde's Hispano Suiza than to Lady Circumference's little motor car, I think it would be all to the good. All these things count, you know.

'Nothing seems to have been done about marking out the ground, said Paul.

'No, said the Doctor, turning his attention to the field for the first time, 'nothing. Well, you must do the best you can. They can't do everything.

'I wonder if any hurdles have come?

'They were ordered, said the Doctor. 'I am certain of it. Philbrick, have any hurdles come?

'Yes, said Philbrick with a low chuckle.

'Why, pray, do you laugh at the mention of hurdles?

'Just you look at them! said Philbrick. 'They're behind the tea‑house there.

Paul and the Doctor went to look and found a pile of spiked iron railings in sections heaped up at the back of the marquee. They were each about five feet high and were painted green with gilt spikes.

'It seems to me that they have sent the wrong sort, said the Doctor.

'Yes.

'Well, we must do the best we can. What other things ought there to be?

'Weight, harmner, javelin, long-jump pit, high-jump posts, low hurdles, eggs, spoons, and greasy pole, said Philbrick.

'Previous!y competed for, said the Doctor imperturbably. 'What else?

'Somewhere to run, suggested Paul.

'Why, God bless my soul, they've got the whole park! How did you manage yesterday for the heats?

'We judged the distance by eye.

'Then that is what we shall have to do to‑day. Really, my dear Pennyfeather, it is quite unlike you to fabricate difficulties in this way. I am afraid you are getting unnerved. Let them go on racing until it is time for tea; and remember, he added sagely, 'the longer the race the more time it takes. I leave the details to you. I am concerned with style. I wish, for instance, we had a starting pistol.

'Would this be any use? said Philbrick, producing an enormous service revolver. 'Only take care; it's loaded.

'The very thing, said the Doctor. 'Only fire into the ground, mind. We must do everything we can to avoid an accident. Do you always carry that about with you?

'Only when I'm wearing my diamonds, said Philbrick.

'Well, I hope that is not often. Good gracious! Who are these extraordinary‑looking people?

Ten men of revolting appearance were approaching from the drive. They were low of brow, crafty of eye, and crooked of limb. They advanced huddled together with the loping tread of wolves, peering about them furtively as they came, as though in constant terror of ambush; they slavered at their mouths, which hung loosely over their receding chins, while each clutched under his apelike arm a burden of curious and unaccountable shape. On seeing the Doctor they halted and edged back, those behind squinting and moulting over their companions' shoulders.

'Crikey! said Philbrick. 'Loonies! This is where I shoot.

'I refuse to believe the evidence of my eyes, said the Doctor. 'These creatures simply do not exist.

After brief preliminary shuffling and nudging, an elderly man emerged from the back of the group. He had a rough black beard and wore on his uneven shoulders a druidical wreath of brass mistletoe‑berries.

'Why, it's my friend the stationmaster! said Philbrick.

'We are the silver band the Lord bless and keep you, said the stationmaster in one breath, 'the band that no one could beat whatever but two indeed in the Eisteddfod that for all North Wales was look you.

'I see, said the Doctor; 'I see. That's splendid. Well, will you please go into your tent, the little tent over there.

'To march about you would not like us? suggested the stationmaster; 'we have a fine yellow flag look you that embroidered for us was in silks.

'No, no. Into the tent!

The statiomnaster went back to consult with his fellow-musicians. There was a baying and growling and yapping as of the jungle at moonrise, and presently he came forward again with an obsequious, sidelong shuffle.

'Three pounds you pay us would you said indeed to at the sports play.

'Yes, yes, that's right, three pounds. Into the tent!

'Nothing whatever we can play without the money first, said the stationmaster firmly.

'How would it be, said Philbrick, 'if I gave him a clout on the ear?

'No, no, I beg you to do nothing of the kind. You have not lived in Wales as long as I have. He took a note‑case from his pocket, the sight of which seemed to galvanize the musicians into life; they crowded round, twitching and chattering. The Doctor took out three pound notes and gave them to the stationmaster. 'There you are, Davies! he said. 'Now take your men into the tent. They are on no account to emerge until after tea; do you understand?

The band slunk away, and Paul and the Doctor turned back towards the Castle.

'The Welsh character is an interesting study, said Dr Fagan. 'I have often considered writing a little monograph on the subject, but I was afraid it might make me unpopular in the village. The ignorant speak of them as Celts, which is of course wholly erroneous. They are of pure Iberian stock ‑ the aboriginal inhabitants of Europe who survive only in Portugal and the Basque district. Celts readily intermarry with their neighbours and absorb them. From the earliest times the Welsh have been looked upon as an unclean people. It is thus that they have preserved their racial integrity. Their sons and daughters rarely mate with human-kind except their own blood relations. In Wales there was no need for legislation to prevent the conquering people intermarrying with the conquered. In Ireland that was necessary, for there intermarriage was a political matter. In Wales it was moral. I hope, by the way, you have no Welsh blood?

'None whatever, said Paul.

'I was sure you had not, but one cannot be too careful. I once spoke of this subject to the sixth form and learned later that one of them had a Welsh grandmother. I am afraid it hurt his feelings terribly, poor little chap. She came from Pembrokeshire, too, which is of course quite a different matter. I often think, he continued, 'that we can trace almost all the disasters of English history to the influence of Wales. Think of Edward of Caernarvon, the first Prince of Wales, a perverse life, Pennyfeather, and an unseemly death, then the Tudors and the dissolution of the Church, then Lloyd George, the temperance movement, Noncomformity, and lust stalking hand in hand through the country, wasting and ravaging. But perhaps you think I exaggerate? I have a certain rhetorical tendency, I admit.