Samuel Shem: The house of God

M and M : Morbidity and Mortality; a regularly scheduled conference of the medical hierarchy at which mistakes are aired; an opportunity for the higher?up Slurpers (See SLURPERS) to roast the lower?down.

MBH : Man's Best Hospital; a BMS?affiliated hospital founded by WASPs; competitor of the House of God.

MI : Myocardial infarction, heart attack.

MICU : Medical Intensive Care Unit.

Monilia : a species of yeast, causing infection, often with swelling of lymph nodes; common cause of vagitch.

MOR : Marriage On Rocks; frequent event during internship; cf. ROR.

Mt. St. E .: Mount Saint Elsewhere, generic term for any hospital not affiliated with the BMS; often used to denote small community hospital.

Multiple myeloma : one type of bone cancer; fatal.

*** MVI ***: Most Valuable Intern; allegedly the House Award given to the intern who is most valuable; alleged prize is a tiepin and a free trip for two to Atlantic City.

Narcolepsy : disease in which the main symptom is sleepiness; endemic to radiologists.

NIH : National Institute of Health; a step up the Slurper cone.

Nitro : nitroglycerin, tablet placed under the tongue to relieve the pain of angina pectoris.

NPC Specialty : No Patient Care Specialty in medicine, numbering, according to the Fat Man, six: RAYS, GAS, PATH, DERM, OPHTHALMOLOGY, PSYCHIATRY.

NSR : Normal sinus rhythm, the normal working of the heart, in which the heartbeat is initiated in the pacemaking cells in the sinus node.

Onanism : masturbation.

OPHTHALMOLOGY : surgical specialty dealing with eye; an NPC specialty.

ORTHO : Orthopedics, the surgical specialty dealing with bone.

Parotid : gland in jaw that produces saliva.

PATH : Pathology, an NPC Specialty.

Perineum : Genital region, especially that between the anus and scrotum or vulva.

Pishke : Yiddish word; tin box into which to place coins for charity.

Placement : process of finding a home for a gomer or gomere, especially, finding a nursing home; a possible TURF.

Primum non nocere: first of all, do no harm.

PRIVATES : Private doctors of the House of God; "Double O" Private is one "licensed to kill."

Psoriatic : pertaining to psoriasis, a disease producing scaly skin.

PSYCHIATRY : an NPC specialty.

Psychoanalysis : the Freudian technique of psychotherapy.

Pulmonary edema : flooding of the lungs with fluid, often from a backed?up flow of blood during congestive heart failure; along with the bowel run, a specialty of the House.

Pulinonary embolus : bloodclot lodging in the lung; often a sudden event in bedridden patients which produces death.

Putzeled : to be treated as Dr. Putzel, House Double O Private, would treat; colloq.: "screwed."

Q.E.D .: Quod Erat Demonstrandum, "which was to be demonstrated," "thus."

Quadriceps : four large muscles of the thigh.

RAYS : Radiology, an NPC Specialty.

Redhot : hotshot, whizkid, face, young mensch, "my man."

Renology : medical specialty dealing with kidney and urine.

Respiratory tech : respiratory technician, in charge of machines to aid respiration of patients.

ROR : Relationship On Rocks; frequent event during internship; cf. MOR.

Rounds : meetings to discuss patients.

Scapula : shoulderblade.

Septicemia : infection of the blood, leading to infection of major organs, and to septic shock, in which the blood pressure falls.

SICU : Surgical Intensive Care Unit.

SIEVE : an intern in the Emergency Room who admits too many patients, who does not BUFF and TURF patients out to the street (the process known as MEET 'EM AND STREET 'EM); opposite of WALL.

Sigmoidoscopy : process of introducing a long, lighted, straight tube, the sigmoidoscope, through the anus into the dark, twisted lower bowel to look at the feces and the pathology; a specialty of the House.

SLURPERS : House Academics, striving to lick their way up the academic medical cone toward the one position at the top?the Chief.

Stasis ulcers : erosion of the skin caused by pressure, often from lying in one position for too long; seen in debilitated patients who are unable to move themselves.

STAT : at once, immediately.

Steatorrhea : foul?smelling and oily diarrhea.

Straight bendover : nursing maneuver in which, legs held straight, nurse bends over bed, flashing ass.

Subarachnoid space : layer of spinal cord where cerebrospinal fluid circulates; aimed at in lumbar puncture.

Superior mesenteric insufficiency : syndrome in which an artery of the gut, the superior mesenteric? artery, becomes blocked, resulting in loss of blood supply to bowel, necrosis, and foul?smelling infected stool.

Systolic : contraction of the heart; opposite of relaxation or diastolic; systolic murmur is one which appears during contraction.

TBC : Total Bowel Control, a concept of the Fat Man's, implying complete regulation of all bowel function.

Tern : Intern, the first of a series of House Staff members, including Resident, Junior Assistant Resident, Senior Resident, Chief Resident, Fellow, Junior Fellow, Senior Fellow.

Thorazine : A drug used to decrease anxiety, especially the severe anxiety related to psychosis; one of a number of mind?bending drugs used by the House Staff, others being Stelazine, Valium, alcohol, Elavil, Dexedrine, etc.

Triage : to sort according to severity of injury, so that the more severe are attended to first.

TURF : get rid of, as TURF a gomer to Urology; often preceded by a BUFF, as in BUFF and TURF; occasionally followed by a BOUNCE, as "I TURFED my gomere to Urology, but she, BOUNCED back to me"; to BUFF and; TURF, according to the Fat Man, is the essence of the delivery of medical care, the concept of the "revolving door."

Uremic : a stage of renal failure in which waste products flood the blood.

UROLOGY : surgical specialty dealing with the urinary tree; "plumbing"

Vagitch : itch in the vaginal region; nonspecific; common.

V.D .: Venereal disease.

Villae : Fingerlike projections of gastrointestinal mucosae lining the gut, main function being absorption of nutriments.

Visit : a medical teacher assigned to a team of interns and residents on; a ward of the House of God; selected from the pool of Privates, Slurpers, and Fellows.

VTach : Ventricular tachycardia, rapid heartbeat in which the pacemaker is in the ventricle, is chaotic, and which often signifies impending death.

WALL : an intern in the Emergency Room who keeps patients from being admitted to the House of God, mainly by using the TURF known as MEET 'EM AND STREET 'EM; opposite of SIEVE.

Wing of Zock : addition to the House of God, financed by the astronomically wealthy philanthropoid Family of Zock, expressly dedicated to the bowel run of the rich, to contain the Room of Basch, and, ultimately, signifying hope.

Zebra : an obscure diagnosis.

Zock : hope.