Charles Dickens - Barnaby Rudge — A Tale Of The Riots Of Eighty

“Alas!” she answered. “You little know my heart, sir. You little know the truth!”

“It is natural you should do so; it is very probable you may, without being conscious of it,” said Mr Haredale, speaking more to himself than her. “We are a fallen house. Money, dispensed with the most lavish hand, would be a poor recompense for sufferings like yours; and thinly scattered by hands so pinched and tied as ours, it becomes a miserable mockery. I feel it so, God knows,” he added, hastily. “Why should I wonder if she does!”

“You do me wrong, dear sir, indeed,” she rejoined with great earnestness; “and yet when you come to hear what I desire your leave to say—”

“I shall find my doubts confirmed?” he said, observing that she faltered and became confused. “Well!”

He quickened his pace for a few steps, but fell back again to her side, and said:

“And have you come all this way at last, solely to speak to me?”

She answered, “Yes.”

“A curse,” he muttered, “upon the wretched state of us proud beggars, from whom the poor and rich are equally at a distance; the one being forced to treat us with a show of cold respect; the other condescending to us in their every deed and word, and keeping more aloof, the nearer they approach us. —Why, if it were pain to you (as it must have been) to break for this slight purpose the chain of habit forged through two-and-twenty years, could you not let me know your wish, and beg me to come to you?”

“There was not time, sir,” she rejoined. “I took my resolution but last night, and taking it, felt that I must not lose a day—a day! an hour—in having speech with you.”

They had by this time reached the house. Mr Haredale paused for a moment, and looked at her as if surprised by the energy of her manner. Observing, however, that she took no heed of him, but glanced up, shuddering, at the old walls with which such horrors were connected in her mind, he led her by a private stair into his library, where Emma was seated in a window, reading.

The young lady, seeing who approached, hastily rose and laid aside her book, and with many kind words, and not without tears, gave her a warm and earnest welcome. But the widow shrunk from her embrace as though she feared her, and sunk down trembling on a chair.

“It is the return to this place after so long an absence,” said Emma gently. “Pray ring, dear uncle—or stay—Barnaby will run himself and ask for wine—”

“Not for the world,” she cried. “It would have another taste—I could not touch it. I want but a minute's rest. Nothing but that.”

Miss Haredale stood beside her chair, regarding her with silent pity. She remained for a little time quite still; then rose and turned to Mr Haredale, who had sat down in his easy chair, and was contemplating her with fixed attention.

The tale connected with the mansion borne in mind, it seemed, as has been already said, the chosen theatre for such a deed as it had known. The room in which this group were now assembled—hard by the very chamber where the act was done—dull, dark, and sombre; heavy with worm-eaten books; deadened and shut in by faded hangings, muffling every sound; shadowed mournfully by trees whose rustling boughs gave ever and anon a spectral knocking at the glass; wore, beyond all others in the house, a ghostly, gloomy air. Nor were the group assembled there, unfitting tenants of the spot. The widow, with her marked and startling face and downcast eyes; Mr Haredale stern and despondent ever; his niece beside him, like, yet most unlike, the picture of her father, which gazed reproachfully down upon them from the blackened wall; Barnaby, with his vacant look and restless eye; were all in keeping with the place, and actors in the legend. Nay, the very raven, who had hopped upon the table and with the air of some old necromancer appeared to be profoundly studying a great folio volume that lay open on a desk, was strictly in unison with the rest, and looked like the embodied spirit of evil biding his time of mischief.

“I scarcely know,” said the widow, breaking silence, “how to begin. You will think my mind disordered.”

“The whole tenor of your quiet and reproachless life since you were last here,” returned Mr Haredale, mildly, “shall bear witness for you. Why do you fear to awaken such a suspicion? You do not speak to strangers. You have not to claim our interest or consideration for the first time. Be more yourself. Take heart. Any advice or assistance that I can give you, you know is yours of right, and freely yours.”

“What if I came, sir,” she rejoined, “I who have but one other friend on earth, to reject your aid from this moment, and to say that henceforth I launch myself upon the world, alone and unassisted, to sink or swim as Heaven may decree!”

“You would have, if you came to me for such a purpose,” said Mr Haredale calmly, “some reason to assign for conduct so extraordinary, which—if one may entertain the possibility of anything so wild and strange—would have its weight, of course.”

“That, sir,” she answered, “is the misery of my distress. I can give no reason whatever. My own bare word is all that I can offer. It is my duty, my imperative and bounden duty. If I did not discharge it, I should be a base and guilty wretch. Having said that, my lips are sealed, and I can say no more.”

As though she felt relieved at having said so much, and had nerved herself to the remainder of her task, she spoke from this time with a firmer voice and heightened courage.

“Heaven is my witness, as my own heart is—and yours, dear young lady, will speak for me, I know—that I have lived, since that time we all have bitter reason to remember, in unchanging devotion, and gratitude to this family. Heaven is my witness that go where I may, I shall preserve those feelings unimpaired. And it is my witness, too, that they alone impel me to the course I must take, and from which nothing now shall turn me, as I hope for mercy.”

“These are strange riddles,” said Mr Haredale.

“In this world, sir,” she replied, “they may, perhaps, never be explained. In another, the Truth will be discovered in its own good time. And may that time,” she added in a low voice, “be far distant!”

“Let me be sure,” said Mr Haredale, “that I understand you, for I am doubtful of my own senses. Do you mean that you are resolved voluntarily to deprive yourself of those means of support you have received from us so long—that you are determined to resign the annuity we settled on you twenty years ago—to leave house, and home, and goods, and begin life anew—and this, for some secret reason or monstrous fancy which is incapable of explanation, which only now exists, and has been dormant all this time? In the name of God, under what delusion are you labouring?”

“As I am deeply thankful,” she made answer, “for the kindness of those, alive and dead, who have owned this house; and as I would not have its roof fall down and crush me, or its very walls drip blood, my name being spoken in their hearing; I never will again subsist upon their bounty, or let it help me to subsistence. You do not know,” she added, suddenly, “to what uses it may be applied; into what hands it may pass. I do, and I renounce it.”

“Surely,” said Mr Haredale, “its uses rest with you.”

“They did. They rest with me no longer. It may be—it IS—devoted to purposes that mock the dead in their graves. It never can prosper with me. It will bring some other heavy judgement on the head of my dear son, whose innocence will suffer for his mother's guilt.”

“What words are these!” cried Mr Haredale, regarding her with wonder. “Among what associates have you fallen? Into what guilt have you ever been betrayed?”