Pelham Wodehouse: Thank You, Jeeves

And I was twanging the strings like one inspired when the door opened and Jeeves shovelled in the foul strait-waistcoat specialist to whom I have just been alluding. In the interval which had elapsed since I had first been apprised of the man's desire to have speech with me, I had been thinking things over : and the only conclusion to which I could come was that he must have had a change of heart of some nature and decided that an apology was due me for the way he had behaved. It was, therefore, a somewhat softened Bertram Wooster who now rose to do the honours. " Ah, Sir Roderick," I said. " Good morning-Nothingcould have exceeded the courtesy with which I had spoken. Conceive of my astonishment, therefore, when his only reply was a grunt, and an indubitably unpleasant grunt, at that. I felt that my diagnosis of the situation had been wrong. Right off the bull's-eye I had been. Here was no square-shooting apologizer. He couldn't have been glaring at me with more obvious distaste if I had been the germ of dementia praecox. Well, if that was the attitude he was proposing to adopt, well, I mean to say.

My geniality waned. I drew myself up coldly, at the same time raising a stiff eyebrow. And I was just about to work off the old To-what-am-Ii»sdebtedforthis-visit gag, when he chipped in ahead of me.

" You ought to be certified!"

" I beg your pardon ? " " You're a public menace. For weeks, it appears, you have been making life a hell for all/your neighbours with some hideous musical instrument. I see you have it with you now. How dare you play that thing in a respectable block of flats ? Infernal din I " I remained cool and dignified. " Did you say ' infernal din ' ? " " I did." " Oh ? Well, let me tell you that the man that hath no music in himself ..." I stepped to the door. " Jeeves," I called down the passage, " what was it Shakespeare said the man who hadn't music in himself was fit for ? " " Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir." "

Thank you, Jeeves. Is fit for treasons, " stratagems, and spoils," I said, returning. He danced a step or two. " Are you aware that the occupant of the ,lkt below, Mrs. Tinkler-MouIke, is one of my ^patients, a woman in a highly nervous condir.^on. I have had to give her a sedative." A" I raised a hand. s ' " Spare me the gossip from the loony-bin," ..|('»aid distantly. " Might I inquire, on my side, 'llyou are aware that Mrs. Tinkler-MouIke owns Pomeranian ? "Don't drivel." I"

I am not drivelling. This animal yaps all and not infrequently far into the night.

So Mrs. Tinkler-MouIke has had the nerve to complain of my banjolele, has she ? Ha I Let her first pluck out the Porn which is in her own eye," I said, becoming a bit scriptural. He chafed visibly. " I am not here to talk about dogs. I wish for your assurance that you will immediately cease annoying this unfortunate woman." I shook the head. " I am sorry she is a cold audience, but my art must come first." " That is your final word, is it ? " " It is." "

Very good. You will hear more of. this." " And Mrs. Tinkler-MouIke will hear more of this," I replied, brandishing the banjolele. I touched the buzzer. " Jeeves," I said, " show Sir R. Glossop out! "

I confess that I was well pleased with the manner in which I had comported myself during. this clash of wills. There was a time, you must remember, when the sudden appearance of old Glossop in my sitting-room would have been enough to send me bolting for cover like a rabbit. But since then I had passed through the furnace, and the sight of him no longer filled me with a nameless dread. With a good deal of quiet self-satisfaction I proceeded to play " The Wedding of the Painted DoU,"

" Singin' In the Rain," " Three Little Words," " Good Night, Sweetheart," "My Love Parade," " Spring Is Here," " Whose Baby Are You," and part of '/ I Want an Automobile With a Horn That "Goes Toot-Toot," in the order named : and it was as I was approaching the end of this last number that the telephone rang. I went to the instrument and stood listening. And, as I listened, my face grew hard and set. " Very good, Mr. Manglehoffer," I said coldly. " You may inform Mrs. Tinkler-MouIke and her associates that I choose the latter alternative." I touched the bell. " Jeeves," I said, " there has been a spot of trouble." " Indeed, sir ? " "

Unpleasantness is rearing its ugly head in Berkeley Mansions, W.I. I note also a lack of give-and-take and an absence of the neighbourly spirit. I have just been talking to the manager of this building on the telephone, and he has delivered an ultimatum. He says I must either chuck playing the banjolele or clear out." " Indeed, sir ? " "

Complaints, it would seem, have been lodged by the Honourable Mrs.

TinklerMouIke, of C.6; by Lieutenant-Colonel J. J. Bustard, D.S.O., of B.5 ; and by Sir Everard and Lady Blennerhassett, of B.7. All right. So be it. I don't care. We shall be well rid of these %ikler-Moulkes, these Bustards, and these B Blennerhassetts. I leave them without a pang."

" You are proposing to move, sir ? " I raised the eybrows. " Surely, Jeeves, you cannot imagine that I ever considered any other course ? " "

But I fear you "will encounter a similar hostility elsewhere, sir." "

Not where I am going. It is my intention to retire to the depths of the country. In some old world, sequestered nook I shall find a cottage, and there resume my studies." " A cottage, sir ? " " A cottage, Jeeves. If possible, honysuckle-covered." The next moment, you could have knocked me down with a toothpick. There was a brief pause, and then Jeeves, whom I have nurtured in my bosom, so to speak, for years and years and years, gave a sort of cough and there proceeded from his lips these incredible words : " In that case, I fear I must give my notice." There was a tense silence. I stared at the man. " Jeeves," I said, and you wouldn't be far out in describing me as stunned, " did I hear you correctly ? " " Yes, sir." " You actually contemplate leaving my entourage ? " " Only with the greatest reluctance, sir. But

if it is your intention to play that instrument within the narrow confines of a country cottage ..." I drew myself up. " You say ' that instrument,' Jeeves. And you say it in an unpleasant, soupy voice. Am I to understand that you dislike this banjolele ? " " Yes, sir." " You've stood it all right up to now." " With grave difficulty, sir." " And let me tell you that better men than you have stood worse than banjoleles.

Are you aware that a certain Bulgarian, Elia Gospodinoff, once played the bagpipes for twenty-four hours without a stop ? Ripley vouches for this in his * Believe It Or Not.' " " Indeed, sir ? " " Well, do you suppose Gospodinoff's personal attendant kicked ? A laughable idea. They are made of better stuff than that in Bulgaria. I am convinced that he was behind the young master from start to finish of his attempt on the Central European record, and I have no doubt frequently rallied round with ice packs and other restoratives. Be Bulgarian, Jeeves." " No, sir.

I fear I cannot recede from my position." " But, dash it, you say you are receding from your position." ' " I should have said, I cannot abandon the Stand which I have taken."

I mused awhile. " You mean this, Jeeves ? " " Yes, sir." " You have thought it all out carefully, weighing the pros and cons, balancing this against that ? " " Yes, sir." " And you are resolved ? " " Yes, sir. If it is really your intention to continue playing that instrument, I have no option but to leave." The Wooster blood boiled over. Circumstances of recent years have so shaped themselves as to place this blighter in a position which you might describe as that of a domestic Mussolini: but, forgetting this ' and sticking simply to cold fact, what is Jeeves, after all ? A valet. A salaried attendant. And a fellow simply can't go on truckling-do I mean truckling ? I know it begins with a " t "-to his valet for ever. There comes a moment when he must remember that his ancestors did dashed well at the Battle of Crecy and put the old foot down. This moment had now arrived. " Then, leave, dash it'. " " Very good, sir."