Pelham Wodehouse - Love Among the Chickens

“We can’t see the colour of our money,” he said pithily, “but we can have our own back.”

That settled it. The battle was over. The most skilful general must sometime recognise defeat. I recognised it then, and threw up my hand. I could do nothing further with them. I had done my best for the farm. I could do no more.

I lit my pipe, and strolled into the paddock.

Chaos followed. Indoors and out-of-doors they raged without check. Even Beale gave the thing up. He knocked Charlie into a flower-bed, and then disappeared in the direction of the kitchen.

It was growing dusk. From inside the house came faint sounds of bibulous mirth, as the sacking party emptied the rooms of their contents. In the fowl-run a hen was crooning sleepily in its coop. It was a very soft, liquid, soothing sound.

Presently out came the invaders with their loot, one with a picture, another with a vase, another bearing the gramophone upside down. They were singing in many keys and times.

Then I heard somebody—Charlie again, it seemed to me—propose a raid on the fowl-run.

The fowls had had their moments of unrest since they had been our property, but what they had gone through with us was peace compared with what befell them then. Not even on the second evening of our visit, when we had run unmeasured miles in pursuit of them, had there been such confusion. Roused abruptly from their beauty-sleep they fled in all directions. Their pursuers, roaring with laughter, staggered after them. They tumbled over one another. The summer evening was made hideous with the noise of them.

“Disgraceful, sir. Is it not disgraceful!” said a voice in my ear.

The young man from Whiteley’s stood beside me. He did not look happy. His forehead was damp. Somebody seemed to have stepped on his hat, and his coat was smeared with mould.

I was turning to answer him when from the dusk in the direction of the house came a sudden roar. A passionate appeal to the world in general to tell the speaker what all this meant.

There was only one man of my acquaintance with a voice like that.

I walked without hurry towards him.

“Good evening, Ukridge,” I said.

A yell of welcome drowned the tumult of the looters.

“Is that you, Garny, old horse? What’s up? What’s the matter? Has everyone gone mad? Who are those infernal scoundrels in the fowl-run? What are they doing? What’s been happening?”

“I have been entertaining a little meeting of your creditors,” I said. “And now they are entertaining themselves.”

“But what did you let them do it for?”

“What is one amongst so many?”

“Well, ‘pon my Sam,” moaned Ukridge, as, her sardonic calm laid aside, that sinister hen which we called Aunt Elizabeth flashed past us pursued by the whiskered criminal, “it’s a little hard! I can’t go away for a day—”

“You certainly can’t! You’re right there. You can’t go away without a word—”

“Without a word? What do you mean? Garny, old boy, pull yourself together. You’re over-excited. Do you mean to tell me you didn’t get my note?”

“What note?”

“The one I left on the dining-room table.”

“There was no note there.”

“What!”

I was reminded of the scene that had taken place on the first day of our visit.

“Feel in your pockets,” I said.

“Why, damme, here it is!” he said in amazement.

“Of course. Where did you expect it would be? Was it important?”

“Why, it explained the whole thing.”

“Then,” I said, “I wish you would let me read it. A note like that ought to be worth reading.”

“It was telling you to sit tight and not worry about us going away—”

“That’s good about worrying. You’re a thoughtful chap, Ukridge.”

“—because we should be back immediately.”

“And what sent you up to town?”

“Why, we went to touch Millie’s Aunt Elizabeth.”

“Oh!” I said, a light shining on the darkness of my understanding.

“You remember Aunt Elizabeth? The old girl who wrote that letter.”

“I know. She called you a gaby.”

“And a guffin.”

“Yes. I remember thinking her a shrewd and discriminating old lady, with a great gift for character delineation. So you went to touch her?”

“That’s it. We had to have more money. So I naturally thought of her. Aunt Elizabeth isn’t what you might call an admirer of mine—”

“Bless her for that.”

“—but she’s very fond of Millie, and would do anything if she’s allowed to chuck about a few home-truths before doing it. So we went off together, looked her up at her house, stated our case, and collected the stuff. Millie and I shared the work. She did the asking, while I inquired after the rheumatism. She mentioned the figure that would clear us; I patted the dog. Little beast! Got after me when I wasn’t looking and chewed my ankle!”

“Thank Heaven!”

“In the end Millie got the money, and I got the home-truths.”

“Did she call you a gaby?”

“Twice. And a guffin three times.”

“Your Aunt Elizabeth is beginning to fascinate me. She seems just the sort of woman I would like. Well, you got the money?”

“Rather! And I’ll tell you another thing, old horse. I scored heavily at the end of the visit. She’d got to the quoting-proverbs stage by that time. ‘Ah, my dear,’ she said to Millie. ‘Marry in haste, repent at leisure.’ Millie stood up to her like a little brick. ‘I’m afraid that proverb doesn’t apply to me, Aunt Elizabeth,’ she said, ‘because I haven’t repented!’ What do you think of that, Laddie?”

“Of course, she /hasn’t/ had much leisure lately,” I agreed.

Ukridge’s jaw dropped slightly. But he rallied swiftly.

“Idiot! That wasn’t what she meant. Millie’s an angel!”

“Of course she is,” I said cordially. “She’s a precious sight too good for you, you old rotter. You bear that fact steadily in mind, and we’ll make something of you yet.”

At this point Mrs. Ukridge joined us. She had been exploring the house, and noting the damage done. Her eyes were open to their fullest extent.

“Oh, Mr. Garnet, /couldn’t/ you have stopped them?”

I felt a worm. Had I done as much as I might have done to stem the tide?

“I’m awfully sorry, Mrs. Ukridge,” I said humbly. “I really don’t think I could have done much more. We tried every method. Beale had seven fights, and I made a speech on the lawn, but it was all no good. Directly they had finished the whisky—”

Ukridge’s cry was like that of a lost spirit.

“They didn’t get hold of the whisky!”

“They did! It seemed to me that it would smooth things down a little if I served it out. The mob had begun to get a trifle out of hand.”

“I thought those horrid men were making a lot of noise,” said Mrs. Ukridge.

Ukridge preserved a gloomy silence. Of all the disasters of that stricken field, I think the one that came home most poignantly to him was the loss of the whisky. It seemed to strike him like a blow.

“Isn’t it about time to collect these men and explain things?” I suggested. “I don’t believe any of them know you’ve come back.”

“They will!” said Ukridge grimly, coming out of his trance. “They soon will! Where’s Beale! Beale!”

The Hired Retainer came running out at the sound of the well– remembered voice.

“Lumme, Mr. Ukridge, sir!” he gasped.

It was the first time Beale had ever betrayed any real emotion in my presence. To him, I suppose, the return of Ukridge was as sensational and astonishing an event as a re-appearance from the tomb. He was not accustomed to find those who had shot the moon revisiting their ancient haunts.