Juliet Butler - The Less You Know the Sounder You Sleep

‘Grade One?! Grade One? !’ Masha can hardly speak, she’s so angry.

‘I can’t understand it, I can’t,’ says Olessya. She’s got her head in her hands. We’re outside on the wooden ramp leading down from the school door. ‘And I can’t understand how the rest of us got Grade Two. That means we’ll be banished to closed institutions for the rest of our lives, doing nothing except staring out of the window. Why? Why? What happened? What’s happening?’

‘Well, at least you’re yobinny Grade Two. I’m Grade One! How can I be Grade One? !’ says Masha, thumping her fist on the steps.

Big Boris is sitting on the dusty ground. We’re all in shock. Slava’s just shaking his head. Sunny Nina’s with us. She started off in our class, but she was put up to the one above because she’s so bright, so she’s graduating now. Sunny Nina got Grade Two as well. She wanted to be a geologist. Now none of us can be anything. Don’t they want us contributing to the Socialist work force? After all they’ve done for us? Don’t they want us to work to a Communist future?

‘It’s because she stuttered, isn’t it? Isn’t it? My moron?’

‘Shut up, Masha,’ says Olessya.

‘But Grade One!’ she goes on, ignoring her. ‘That’s Total Defectives. That means paralysed and not being able to think, or move, or do anything for yourself. It means imbecile. And all because she stuttered. It means peeing yourself, it means—’

‘Shut up , Masha.’

We sit there for a bit then, none of us saying anything. Slava’s got his transistor radio on, like he always does, and there’s this stupidly happy Soviet song on, with the singer shouting Further and further! We will strive to succeed even further! And there are these stupid cymbals too, clashing, and the orchestra almost bursting right out of the radio, it’s so… so triumphant . It’s as if everyone in the world’s laughing at us for thinking we could be part of their perfect society. We sit there listening, and I’m just thinking that Grade One means you might as well be dead. Grade Two means you might as well be dead, but if you’re not, you can earn some kopecks by putting cardboard boxes together for a living in an asylum. I’m also thinking we could go and live with Slava in his village with his parents. Because the only thing worse than being kept in an asylum is being without Slava.

He’s not coming to Summer Camp this year either. He wants to, but his mum won’t let him again. She says he needs some extra looking after. But he’s staying on at school until we leave, even though it’s summer holidays now. He wants to be with me as long as possible.

We keep on all sitting there in the sun on the ramp, not talking. ‘So… where will you g-go then, Olessya?’ I ask, after we’ve been sitting for ages. She’s leaving on Friday. That’s in three days.

‘I’m going back to Moscow. The Ministry of Protection’s assigning me to some Home for Old People for the rest of my life. I can’t even choose which one. I got top marks. I got the best diploma… I tried so hard… I thought… I believed…’ She shakes her head and balls her fists up tight like grenades.

There’s a kids’ choir singing now on the radio. Everyone on the planet should laugh with the children, should laugh with the children, everyone on the planet should be friends, they should! They should! They should!

‘Turn it off, Slavochka,’ says Olessya wearily. He leans over and switches it off. I look around at Big Boris and Sunny Nina and Little Lyuda. ‘What about you three?’

‘We’re all being sent to a Home here in Novocherkassk,’ says Lyuda in the smallest voice ever. ‘The green bus is coming for us tomorrow. To take us away. They said not to bother to pack. But I will. I’ll pack just in case.’

‘Well. Come back and visit us,’ says Masha. ‘If you’re going to be living here in town. Come back and visit.’

‘Yeah. Class of ’68. Don’t forget us, will you, eh?’ says Big Boris. He picks up a twig and throws it at the wall. ‘Don’t forget us while you’re here, playing in the orchestra, and dancing, and swotting like crazy for your yobinny diplomas. Write about us in your memoirs.’

We sit around on the ramp after that, still not really talking, then Masha says it’s too hot and picks up her crutch and goes in.

‘Well, I’m not staying locked away in some stuffy, boring asylum doing nothing all my life,’ she says, as we walk back to the dorm. My heart goes cold. I can’t leave Slava. Not ever. We’ve got another year here. I won’t mention staying with him in his village after we graduate. Not yet. I’ve got a whole year left to soften her up.

‘At least we have another year of school. Things might change, Mashinka.’

‘Another year of school!’ She spits on the floor. ‘What’s the point of studying if we can never work?’

‘They might change the rules on Defectives again. Or Brezhnev might die.’

‘I’m not staying in a school where everyone’s a hateful pizdyets waiting for Brezhnev to die. Nyetooshki. I’m off.’

‘What?!’ I stop and tug her back. ‘What do you mean – off? We need to graduate, Masha. We can’t leave . We need to get our diploma.’

‘Why do you need your yobinny diploma now? It’s all a stupid fucking lie. Everyone’s been shitting themselves trying to pass exams – you’re a nervous wreck by the time it comes to sitting them – and what for? Tell me that? What fucking for?’

‘We can’t just go ,’ I say stupidly.

‘We can. If I want to.’

‘No!’ I start pulling at her sleeve. ‘No! We can’t! I won’t!’ I’m shouting at her, and she stares at me like I’ve gone mad. ‘I won’t go. I won’t leave Slava!’

‘Slava?’ She turns and looks hard at me. ‘What’s Slava to you? Eh?’ I just stand there, panting. ‘Olessya left Big Boris, didn’t she? And Sunny Nina left Vanya. Everyone leaves each other. What’s so special about you and Peanut?’

‘I won’t leave him, Masha. You can’t make me.’ I shouldn’t have said that. I knew it as soon as it spilt out.

‘What?! Why? Have you gone and fallen in love or something?’ Her eyes start going black. ‘With Peanut? Nyet, nyet, nyet .’ She shakes her head slowly, still looking at me like that snake in the zoo did, and then she grabs my upper arm so tight it hurts. ‘I told you, I told you, didn’t I? You can mess around a bit, but you’re never to fall in love with anyone. I should never have let him kiss you, I knew I shouldn’t. I’ll kill him! I’ll kill you!’

‘No, Masha, no!… You’ve… you’ve got it all wrong.’ I hold her arm too, so our two arms are wound together. ‘All wrong.’ Quick! Think! Think! ‘It’s not that. I haven’t fallen in love. He’s just… he’s fun; you think he’s fun too… I like hanging round him, is all. The kissing’s just a laugh. Everyone kisses.’ Think! Think! Don’t let her know what I’m thinking. ‘When I said I won’t leave Slava, all I mean is that the three of us are having a laugh. That’s all.’ She keeps looking me in the eye like I’m still crazy or something, but after a bit, she slowly releases my arm.

‘All right, c’mon then, but just remember – me and you are what it’s all about.’

‘Yes, Mash.’

‘Just me and you.’

I’ll have to wait, that’s all. She’ll come around to the idea of me and Slava in a year. Just as long as I can keep her here. I wish the other kids were nicer to her, but they don’t like her chortik . That’s what Mummy used to call the Little Devil that rises up inside her when she’s angry and takes her over. It’s when her eyes go black as if there really is the shadow of a devil passing inside her head. It scares me.