Ever Dundas - Goblin

We formed a line, dousing the flames with the water from the tanks. Neighbours scrambled amongst the rubble, looking for survivors and pulling out bodies, parts of bodies, some crushed or charred, others looking like they were sleeping. We laid them out in the street and put sheets over them. As I stared down at the sheets, Mad grabbed me.

‘You shouldn’t be here,’ she said, ‘Get back to the flat.’

‘I’m helping.’

‘You don’t need to see this. Get back home.’

‘I’ve seen worse.’

She looked at me for a moment and said, ‘Goblin, you go home. Now.’

I didn’t argue. I went back to the flat to wait for them and found James sitting in the dark. All I saw was the light from his cigarette and my stomach tightened. When I turned the light on he said, ‘Turn it off.’

I turned it off and said, ‘I thought you were a demon.’

He didn’t say anything.

I made my way to him in the dark and curled up next to him on the couch, my feet touching his thigh. I lay there, staring at the crackling light of the cigarette, drifting off to sleep.

When they returned to the flat it was close to dawn and everyone was blackened with dirt and dust and blood, stinking of smoke. James was gone, probably back in his room. He spent most of the day in there when Mad was at work.

A few people gathered in the sitting room, listening to a record, nursing a beer. I heard squealing and swearing coming from the bathroom so I went to see what was going on. The brass band dwarves, Adam, Adeline and Ariadne were all piled into the bath, yelling and splashing. Maisie looked on, disgusted. She reminded them of water rationing and poured her beer over them. There was more swearing and a scramble to get out of the bath, bodies falling to the floor, a scrummage for the towel. I helped Adam out of the bath and took him to my room, giving him some fresh clothes. I turned my back when he took off his wet clothes and he asked me, ‘Why so shy?’

I turned and saw he was lying naked on my bed, as beautiful as I’d imagined. I went over to him and traced my finger over his body as if I was painting him. I ran my finger across his chest, down his stomach, down down down. I stopped and curled his hair around my finger. I watched his cock harden.

‘Kiss me,’ he said, sitting up, reaching for me, but I backed off and just looked at him. I stood up and left.

‘Goblin?’

I went to Mad and James’ room. I rummaged in their drawer, found what I was after and came back, closing the door behind me, pushing a chair up against it.

‘Goblin, I’m sorry if—’

I threw the condom on the bed and I took off my clothes, dropping my cardigan on the floor, pulling my dress over my head, standing there for a moment in my knickers. I walked over to him, peeling my knickers off, and sat next to him on the bed. I ran my fingers across him again, then I stroked his cock. I straddled him, rubbing myself against him as we kissed. I reached over for the condom.

As I opened the packet he said, ‘Where’d you get that?’

‘Mad and James. Mad showed me how to use them.’

I rolled the condom over his cock and I climbed on top of him, my fingers in his. Lowering my hips slowly, I gasped and stopped. A moment, a glance, my hand pressed on his chest and I moved down, down, down, not stopping this time; feeling the pain and the pleasure and the liquid warmth. I kissed him and breathed him in, his smell of smoke, beer and sweat. He wrapped his legs around me. I wanted to open him up and feel under his skin, I wanted to disappear inside him. I sucked on his tongue as my cunt closed around his cock. I pressed his head against my chest. He licked my breast, biting my nipple, the gentle pain accentuating the heat spreading inside me, up, up, up, like golden bubbles. We heard a scream and we came together as Maisie walked past my door, yelling curses at the dwarves. We collapsed on the bed, laughing, still entangled in each other.

‘This isn’t how I meant it to be,’ he said.

‘You’d thought about it?’

‘Of course. Hadn’t you?’

I nodded and said, ‘What was wrong with it?’

‘Nothing, G. Jesus. It was being here, that’s all, with all of them.’

I sat up and Adam leaned over, kissing my hip. He looked at my arms and said, ‘Did you injure yourself? What are all those cuts?’

‘They’re nothing,’ I said, ‘Just scratches from scrambling around on bombsites.’

I felt between my thighs, sticky with blood. I looked at my fingers and rubbed my thumb over them. I pressed my fingers on his lips, smearing them red. He smiled and flicked his tongue out, licking. I walked over to the window.

‘Someone will see you.’

‘I don’t care.’

He joined me as I opened the window. He pressed up against me and we leaned out, feeling the cool air on our skin. The city was cast in a strange blue light as the sun struggled up, obscured by the billowing smoke. In the distance, a barrage balloon was caught in the flames of a building. The fire circled it, as if gently stroking its skin.

‘James is sick,’ I said.

The balloon collapsed under an invisible weight, like a giant had squeezed its tail. The ripple of the impact spread through the body, transforming it into a fiery fish streaking through the sky.

‘His arm will heal,’ said Adam. ‘He’ll be alright.’

‘He’s different,’ I said. ‘He’s changed.’

As the balloon headed for the ground it exploded into flames, all form lost, shards bursting out and floating down after the fire ball. The flames were striking against the deep inky blue of the buildings and the black smoke. I looked out across the rooftops, smoke rising in pockets all across London. I could see tiny flickering flames in the distance. The landscape was breaking up, changing every night.

I crept into James and Mad’s bedroom one morning when Mad had left for work and LK was still snoring in the sitting room. It was one of those rare days when no one else was around.

James was still asleep. I opened the curtains a little and placed the worms next to James’ stump. I couldn’t sew them on, but hoped a prayer would do. I was nervous. I wasn’t sure the lizards would listen because I hadn’t given any blood to Monsta since I’d come to live here; I’d left Monsta tucked away in a box under my bed, forgotten.

I cut my arm and held it over the stump and the worms before closing my eyes and saying the lizard prayer. When I’d finished I opened my eyes and saw the worms were just lying there, covered in my blood. James was in the same position but he was awake, watching me.

‘I’m trying to give you a new arm,’ I said. ‘Like Monsta.’

He reached over and held my arm, his hand sliding a little in the blood. He didn’t move, just held me like that. When he let go he stared at the blood on his hand, flexing his fingers. I gathered the worms, holding the bloody bouquet. He got up and pulled his trousers on before placing his hand gently on my back.

‘We’ll get you bandaged up.’

He ushered me through to the kitchen and sat me down. He cleaned me up and tied a bandage round my arm.

‘It’s what I do,’ I said. ‘I mean, it’s what I did. To keep Monsta alive.’

He sat across the table from me and lit a cigarette. He exhaled and looked back at me.

‘I don’t need a new arm.’

‘But, I thought—’

‘You thought wrong.’

‘I’ll pack,’ I said.

‘What?’

‘I’ll leave.’

‘Why would you leave? I don’t want you to.’

I fiddled with a loose bit of bandage. I couldn’t look at him. He reached over and put his hand over mine.

‘We love you, you fool. We don’t want you to leave.’