María Dueñas - The Time in Between

I left the hairdresser’s salon without the patterns, my hair perfect and my soul still troubled. The afternoon weather remained disagreeable, but I decided to take a walk instead of returning directly home. I preferred to keep myself distracted, distanced from Beigbeder’s letters, while I waited for news from Hillgarth about what to do with them. I wandered aimlessly up the Calle Alcalá as far as the Gran Vía; the stroll was calm and safe at first, but as I went on walking I noticed how the density of people on the pavements increased, well-turned-out passersby mixing with bootblacks, street sweepers, and crippled tramps showing their scars shamelessly in the hope of some charity. It was then that I realized I’d ventured beyond the perimeter that Hillgarth had marked out: I was entering a rather dangerous zone where I might perhaps run into someone who had once known me. They probably wouldn’t ever suspect that this woman walking in an elegant grey wool coat had supplanted the sewing girl I was years ago, but just in case I decided to go into a cinema to kill time for the rest of the afternoon, while also avoiding being any more exposed than I needed to be.

The Palacio de la Musica movie theater was playing Rebecca. The showing had already started, but I didn’t care; I wasn’t there for the plot, I just wanted a little privacy while enough time went by for someone to get instructions to my home about what to do. The usher accompanied me to one of the last rows on one side, while Laurence Olivier and Joan Fontaine hurtled down a twisting highway in a car with the roof down. As soon as my eyes had become used to the dark, I realized that the main seating area was almost full; my row and the ones around it, however, being farther back, had only a few people scattered here and there. To my left were several couples; to my right, no one. But not for long: just a couple of minutes after I arrived, I noticed someone taking a seat at the far end of the row, no more than ten or twelve places away. A man. Alone. A man alone whose face I couldn’t make out in the shadows. Some man or other, whom I wouldn’t have paid any attention to but for the fact that he was wearing a light-colored raincoat with the collar up, identical to that of the person who’d been following me for more than a week. A man who seemed—judging by the direction of his gaze—to be less interested in the plot of the movie than in me.

A cold sweat trickled down my back. Suddenly I knew that all my suspicions hadn’t been imaginary: that man was there because of me, he’d most probably followed me from the hairdresser’s, perhaps followed me even since I’d left home; he’d been following me the whole time; he’d watched as I paid for my ticket at the box office and as I went through the foyer into the hall and found my seat. Watching me without my noticing him hadn’t been enough for him, however: once he’d tracked me down, he’d installed himself a few feet away, blocking my exit. And I—careless and overwhelmed by the news of Beigbeder’s dismissal—had decided at the last minute not to share my suspicions with Hillgarth, even though they’d been growing with each day that passed. My first thought was to escape, but I realized at once that I was cornered. I couldn’t get to the right-hand aisle without him letting me by; if I decided to go to the left I’d have to bother a whole mass of patrons who’d grumble at the interruption and would have to get up or move their legs aside to let me pass, which would give the stranger more than enough time to leave his seat and follow me. Then I remembered Hillgarth’s advice during our lunch at the American legation: faced with any suspicion that I was being followed, maintain calm, self-control, and an appearance of normality.

The brazenness of the stranger in the raincoat didn’t presage anything good, however; what till now had been a hidden, subtle pursuit had given way abruptly to an ostentatious declaration of intent. I’m here so that you can see me, he seemed to be saying wordlessly. So that you know I’m watching you, and that I know where you go; so that you’re aware that I can step into your life anytime I want to: look, today I’ve decided to follow you to the cinema and block your exit; tomorrow I can do with you whatever I feel like.

I pretended to ignore him and tried hard to focus on the movie, unsuccessfully. The scenes passed before my eyes without any meaning or coherence: a gloomy, majestic mansion, an evil-looking housekeeper, a heroine who always does the wrong thing, the ghost of a fascinating woman floating in the air. The whole audience seemed captivated; my concerns, however, were on another matter closer at hand. As the minutes ticked by and the screen was filled with a succession of images in white, black, and grey, I let my hair fall over the right side of my face several times and so tried covertly to scrutinize the stranger. I wasn’t able to make out his features: the distance and the darkness prevented me. But a sort of silent, tense relationship was established between us, as though we were united by a common lack of interest in the movie. Neither of us held our breath when the nameless heroine broke that porcelain figurine, nor were we overcome with a sense of panic when the housekeeper tried to persuade her to hurl herself out of the window. We didn’t even feel our hearts freeze when we suspected that Maxim de Winter himself might have murdered his depraved wife.

The words “The End” appeared after the fire at Manderley, and the cinema began to be flooded with light. My immediate reaction was to hide my face; for some ridiculous reason I felt that the light would make me seem more vulnerable to my pursuer. I tilted my head, allowed my hair to obscure my face again, and pretended to be engrossed in looking for something in my handbag. When I finally raised my eyes slightly and looked over to my right, the man had disappeared. I remained in my seat until the screen had gone blank, fear clutching the pit of my stomach. Once they had turned on all the lights and the final dawdling spectators left the hall, the ushers came in to collect bits of trash and items accidentally dropped between the seats. It was only then—still afraid—that I steeled myself and got up.

The main lobby was still crammed full and noisy; a downpour was falling on the street and the spectators waiting to leave were mingling with those waiting for the next showing to begin. I took refuge, half hidden behind a column off to one corner, and amid the crowds, the voices, and the thick smoke of a thousand cigarettes, I felt anonymous and momentarily safe. But the fragile feeling of security only lasted a few minutes, which was how long it took for the mass to start to dissolve. The new arrivals were now ready to enter the main hall to lose themselves in the adventures of the de Winters and their ghosts. The remainder of us—the better prepared under the protection of umbrellas and hats, the more reckless under jackets with hoods or collars up and newspapers held open over their heads, the bravest simply filled with daring—began gradually to quit the lavish world of the cinema and go out into the street to confront everyday reality, a reality that on that autumn night showed itself through a thick curtain of inclement falling water.

Finding a taxi was a lost cause, so just like the hundreds of other people who preceded me I braced myself, and with nothing but a silk scarf to cover my hair and the collar of my coat up, I set off back home in the rain. I kept up a fast pace, wanting to get to shelter as soon as possible, to escape from the downpour and from the dozens of suspicions that assailed me as I walked. I turned my head constantly: now I thought he was following me, now I thought he’d stopped. Anyone in a raincoat made me quicken my pace, even if his silhouette wasn’t that of the man I feared. Someone ran past me, and when I felt him brush my arm I ducked for cover by the window of a closed pharmacy; a tramp tugged at my sleeve begging for charity and all he received was a startled cry. I tried to adjust my pace to match that of various respectable-looking couples, until my closeness made them suspicious and they moved away from me. The puddles were covering my stockings with spatterings of mud; my left heel got trapped in a drain. I crossed the streets quickly and anxiously, barely looking at the traffic. The headlights of a car dazzled me at a crossing; a little farther on I was honked at by another car and almost run over by a tram; just a few yards beyond that I managed to leap out of the way of a dark car that probably hadn’t seen me in the rain. Or maybe it had.