Марк Твен: 30,000 Dollar Bequest and Other Stories

Aleck said, with wounded dignity:

“I do not see how you can say such unkind and unjust things. There is no such thing as immoral piety.”

Sally felt a pang, but tried to conceal it under a shuffling attempt to save his case by changing the form of it – as if changing the form while retaining the juice could deceive the expert he was trying to placate. He said:

“I didn’t mean so bad as that, Aleck; I didn’t really mean immoral piety, I only meant – meant – well, conventional piety, you know; er – shop piety; the – the – why, you know what I mean. Aleck – the – well, where you put up that plated article and play it for solid, you know, without intending anything improper, but just out of trade habit, ancient policy, petrified custom, loyalty to – to – hang it, I can’t find the right words, but you know what I mean, Aleck, and that there isn’t any harm in it. I’ll try again. You see, it’s this way. If a person—”

“You have said quite enough,” said Aleck, coldly; “let the subject be dropped.”

“ I’m willing,” fervently responded Sally, wiping the sweat from his forehead and looking the thankfulness he had no words for. Then, musingly, he apologized to himself. “I certainly held threes – I know it – but I drew and didn’t fill. That’s where I’m so often weak in the game. If I had stood pat – but I didn’t. I never do. I don’t know enough.”

Confessedly defeated, he was properly tame now and subdued. Aleck forgave him with her eyes.

The grand interest, the supreme interest, came instantly to the front again; nothing could keep it in the background many minutes on a stretch. The couple took up the puzzle of the absence of Tilbury’s death-notice. They discussed it every which way, more or less hopefully, but they had to finish where they began, and concede that the only really sane explanation of the absence of the notice must be – and without doubt was – that Tilbury was not dead. There was something sad about it, something even a little unfair, maybe, but there it was, and had to be put up with. They were agreed as to that. To Sally it seemed a strangely inscrutable dispensation; more inscrutable than usual, he thought; one of the most unnecessary inscrutable he could call to mind, in fact – and said so, with some feeling; but if he was hoping to draw Aleck he failed; she reserved her opinion, if she had one; she had not the habit of taking injudicious risks in any market, worldly or other.

The pair must wait for next week’s paper – Tilbury had evidently postponed. That was their thought and their decision. So they put the subject away and went about their affairs again with as good heart as they could.

Now, if they had but known it, they had been wronging Tilbury all the time. Tilbury had kept faith, kept it to the letter; he was dead, he had died to schedule. He was dead more than four days now and used to it; entirely dead, perfectly dead, as dead as any other new person in the cemetery; dead in abundant time to get into that week’s Sagamore , too, and only shut out by an accident; an accident which could not happen to a metropolitan journal, but which happens easily to a poor little village rag like the Sagamore . On this occasion, just as the editorial page was being locked up, a gratis quart of strawberry ice-water arrived from Hostetter’s Ladies and Gents Ice-Cream Parlors, and the stickful of rather chilly regret over Tilbury’s translation got crowded out to make room for the editor’s frantic gratitude.

On its way to the standing-galley Tilbury’s notice got pied. Otherwise it would have gone into some future edition, for Weekly SAGAMORES do not waste “live” matter, and in their galleys “live” matter is immortal, unless a pi accident intervenes. But a thing that gets pied is dead, and for such there is no resurrection; its chance of seeing print is gone, forever and ever. And so, let Tilbury like it or not, let him rave in his grave to his fill, no matter – no mention of his death would ever see the light in the Weekly Sagamore .

Five weeks drifted tediously along. The Sagamore arrived regularly on the Saturdays, but never once contained a mention of Tilbury Foster. Sally’s patience broke down at this point, and he said, resentfully:

“Damn his livers, he’s immortal!”

Aleck give him a very severe rebuke, and added with icy solemnity:

“How would you feel if you were suddenly cut out just after such an awful remark had escaped out of you?”

Without sufficient reflection Sally responded:

“I’d feel I was lucky I hadn’t got caught with it in me.”

Pride had forced him to say something, and as he could not think of any rational thing to say he flung that out. Then he stole a base – as he called it – that is, slipped from the presence, to keep from being brayed in his wife’s discussion-mortar.

Six months came and went. The Sagamore was still silent about Tilbury. Meantime, Sally had several times thrown out a feeler – that is, a hint that he would like to know. Aleck had ignored the hints. Sally now resolved to brace up and risk a frontal attack. So he squarely proposed to disguise himself and go to Tilbury’s village and surreptitiously find out as to the prospects. Aleck put her foot on the dangerous project with energy and decision. She said:

“What can you be thinking of? You do keep my hands full! You have to be watched all the time, like a little child, to keep you from walking into the fire. You’ll stay right where you are!”

“Why, Aleck, I could do it and not be found out – I’m certain of it.”

“Sally Foster, don’t you know you would have to inquire around?”

“Of course, but what of it? Nobody would suspect who I was.”

“Oh, listen to the man! Some day you’ve got to prove to the executors that you never inquired. What then?”

He had forgotten that detail. He didn’t reply; there wasn’t anything to say. Aleck added:

“Now then, drop that notion out of your mind, and don’t ever meddle with it again. Tilbury set that trap for you. Don’t you know it’s a trap? He is on the watch, and fully expecting you to blunder into it. Well, he is going to be disappointed – at least while I am on deck. Sally!”

“Well?”

“As long as you live, if it’s a hundred years, don’t you ever make an inquiry. Promise!”

“All right,” with a sigh and reluctantly.

Then Aleck softened and said:

“Don’t be impatient. We are prospering; we can wait; there is no hurry. Our small dead-certain income increases all the time; and as to futures, I have not made a mistake yet – they are piling up by the thousands and tens of thousands. There is not another family in the state with such prospects as ours. Already we are beginning to roll in eventual wealth. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, Aleck, it’s certainly so.”

“Then be grateful for what God is doing for us and stop worrying. You do not believe we could have achieved these prodigious results without His special help and guidance, do you?”

Hesitatingly, “N-no, I suppose not.” Then, with feeling and admiration, “And yet, when it comes to judiciousness in watering a stock or putting up a hand to skin Wall Street I don’t give in that you need any outside amateur help, if I do wish I—”

“Oh, do shut up! I know you do not mean any harm or any irreverence, poor boy, but you can’t seem to open your mouth without letting out things to make a person shudder. You keep me in constant dread. For you and for all of us. Once I had no fear of the thunder, but now when I hear it I—”