Talbot Reed - The Willoughby Captains

“So it is; but it would be a spree to see what he says about the race.”

“That’ll be pages on, at the rate he goes at,” said Telson, whipping over a few leaves. “Let’s see. ‘Gross conduct with King talking in class King meanly tells Parrett he is a beastly sneak.’”

“What does he say?” exclaimed King. “I told Parrett he was a beastly sneak? What crams the fellow tells! Fancy me saying that to Parrett! All I said was I wasn’t talking!”

“Why, I see it,” said Parson. “He’s left out a semi-colon or something; the ‘he’s a beastly sneak’ means you , old man. ‘King meanly tells Parrett. He (that is, King) is a beastly sneak.’ That makes it all right.”

“Does it?” cried the indignant King—“does it make it all right! I’ll make it all right for him, I can promise him. I never sneaked of him in my life!”

“Wire in, old man, and get to the race,” urged Parson impatiently.

“Here, this looks like it,” said Telson, reading. “‘Being the boat-race no afternoon school I am pleased. A vast mass on the towpath I being in flannels waited twenty-three minutes for the start. Meditating as I stood, how vast is the world.’ (Hullo! he had that before; that seems to be his usual meditation.) ‘How vast is the world. I am small in the world Parson is a conceited ass.’”

Parson turned very red in the face, of course, at this unexpected turn, which, however, his two companions greatly enjoyed.

“‘Parson is a conceited ass—’”

“I say, you needn’t go over it twice,” expostulated the injured youth.

“‘A conceited ass,’” continued Telson, his voice wavering with suppressed laughter. “‘He thinks he is a great man but he’s little in the world and fond of gross conduct. He and Telson are the conceitedest asses in Willoughby.’”

This double shot fairly broke down the gravity both of reader and audience, and it was some little time before the diary could proceed. The account of the race which followed was evidently not original. It appeared to be copied verbatim from an account of the last University Boat-race, with a few interpolations intended to adapt it to the present circumstances. It began thus:

“‘Punctually at half-past eight (“eight” scratched out and “three” substituted) Mr Searle (altered to Mr Parrett) gave the signal to go, and at the word the sixteen oars dashed simultaneously into the water. The Oxonians were the first to show a lead, and at the Creek (“Creek” scratched out and nothing substituted) were a foot to the good. The Craydle is a pleasing river with banks running up from the sea to slopes up the Concrete Wall this advantage was fully maintained (“maintained” altered to “lost”)—’”

“Oh, skip all that,” said Parson impatiently; “go on to the part about Willow Corner.”

“‘About a mile from home the Oxford stroke (“stroke” altered to “Bloomfield”) spurted, and the dark blue flag (“dark blue” altered to “schoolhouse”) once more shot ahead. Gross steering by Parson, who I allude to above, who steers his boat into the bank and breaks rudder-line. It is ascertained Fairbairn and others are suspected. After this a ding-dong race ensued to the finish where eventually the dark (altered to “light”) blues won by a foot (altered to “mile”) Parrett’s having given in owing to Parson who is alluded to above.’”

“Oh, I say, this is a drop too much,” exclaimed the wrathful Parson, rising. “I’ll pay him out for this, see if I don’t!”

“Don’t be an ass, Parson,” said Telson. “Sit down, can’t you? You’ve no business to look at his diary at all, you know, if it comes to that.”

Parson sat down with a wrathful countenance, and Telson proceeded.

“We shall not see a new race as I hear Riddell and Bloomfield declining. I spoke to Parson who completely repents. He suspects Telson who he ascertains is the one to do it. It is gross. How many things go wrong. Wyndham hath not found his knife he requested me had I seen it. I answered nay, not so. I have composed these verses which I will set down here as they may recall the past —

“‘My name is Norval (altered to “Bosher”), on the Grampian (altered to “Willoughby”) hills. My father (altered to “Doctor Patrick”) feeds his flocks (altered to “boys”)’.”

“Well,” said Telson, as he closed the thrilling narrative, and tossed it back to King, “I never thought Bosher was up to much, but I didn’t know he was a downright lunatic.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said King. “It’s not so bad. I tried to keep a diary once, but I could never find anything to say.”

“Well, I guess Bosher’s not hard-up in that line,” said Telson, laughing. “But, I say, we ought to give it to him back somehow.”

“I’ll give it to him back pretty hot!” exclaimed Parson. “I vote we burn the boshy thing.”

“Oh, you can’t do that. You’d better smuggle it back into his study somehow, King, without his knowing.”

“All serene,” said King, pocketing the book. “Hallo! who’s this coming?”

As he spoke there was a sound of hurrying footsteps in the passage outside, and immediately afterwards the door opened and revealed none other than the sentimental author of Bosher’s diary himself.

Just at present, and luckily for him, he did not appear to be in a sentimental mood; his face was a little scared and mysterious-looking as he hurriedly stepped into the room and shut the door after him.

“Look out, I say!” he exclaimed, “the Welchers are coming!”

This magic announcement dispelled in a moment whatever resentment may have lurked in the minds of any of the three students on account of the diary. In the presence of a common danger like this, with the common enemy, so to speak, at the very door, they were all friends and brothers at once.

“Where? How do you know?” demanded the three.

“I was looking for a book I had lost,” said Bosher, “in the Big near our door, and I heard Cusack tell Pilbury to wait till he went and saw if the coast was clear. So they’ll be here directly.”

“Jolly lucky you heard them,” said Parson. “What shall we do, you fellows?”

There was a slight interval for reflection, and then Telson said, “Fancy the jug dodge is about the best. They won’t be up to it, eh?”

This proposal seemed to meet with general approval, and as time was precious Parson’s tin jug, full of water, was forthwith hoisted adroitly over the door, and delicately adjusted with nail and twine so that the opening of the door should be the signal for its tilting over and disgorging its contents on the head of the luckless intruder. It was such an old method of warfare that the conspirators really felt half ashamed to fall back upon it, only time was short and the enemy might come any moment. As an additional precaution, also, a piece of the twine was stretched across the doorway about three inches from the ground, with the considerate purpose of tripping up the expected visitors. And to complete the preparations, each of the besieged armed himself with an appropriate weapon wherewith to greet the intruders, and thus accoutred sat down and waited the event with serene minds.

The event was not long in coming. Before many minutes a stealthy footstep was heard outside, which it was easy to guess belonged to the spy of the attacking party. Parson motioned to the others to be silent, and seated himself at his table, with a book before him, in full view of the key-hole. The little manoeuvre evidently told, for the footsteps were heard stealthily hurrying away, and the watchers knew the main body would soon be here.

It seemed no time before the approaching sounds gladdened their expectant ears. The invaders were evidently walking in step and trying to imitate the heavy walk of some senior, so as to give no suspicion of their purpose.