Robin Wasserman - Pride

He wouldn’t let it.

She’d been a fool. Made an enormous mistake. That much was clear. But so much was still muddy and confusing.

Beth threaded her way through the crowd and found her way out to the back deck, taking a deep gulp of fresh air. Turning her back on the noise of the party and the revelers in the hot tub, she leaned against the railing and looked out into the night. She’d made a mistake, yes. But what was it? Walking away from Kane? Or walking toward him in the first place?

Half of her wanted to run back into the party and apologize; the other half wanted to leave and never look back. And, much as she hated to admit it, there was a small, small part of her conscious of the pills lodged in her purse, wondering: What if…?

Too many options; too many decisions. So instead, she stayed at the railing, still, willing herself to think about something other than herself, than her bad choices. If she could clear her mind completely, maybe she could start over, start fresh. But before she could reboot, she’d need to shut down her mind, shut off her thoughts-and they were racing too quickly to be caught.

She heard the footsteps, getting closer and closer, then stop, just behind her.

She heard her name spoken, softly, hesitantly.

But she didn’t turn around-not yet. She didn’t know what she was going to say. And as long as she kept her back to him, she wouldn’t have to decide.

“How many rooms does this place have?” Harper asked in astonishment as she stumbled into the study after Kaia.

“I’m still trying to figure that out,” Kaia giggled.

Harper goggled at the room as they stepped inside-it was about eight by eight and, as far as she could tell, seemed to serve mainly as a closet for the Sellers’ CDs. “This is unbelievable,” she gushed.

Under normal circumstances she might not have been so eager to expose her awe at Kaia’s starring role in Lifestyles of the Rich and Bitchy, preferring to mask her longing for the other girl’s clothes, car, house…life. But these weren’t normal circumstances. It was New Year’s Eve, she was at a party, her life was nearly perfect-and she’d already had maybe a little too much of the fluorescent pink punch sitting in a Waterford crystal bowl by the door of the kitchen. She was totally buzzed-but was it the alcohol? she wondered. Or was it Adam?

Kaia, a few miles away from sober herself, was pawing frantically through the wall of CDs. “I know it’s in here somewhere,” she insisted. “You have got to hear this song.”

“I can hear it later” Harper pointed out. “We can’t spend the whole night in here while you look.” But she wasn’t annoyed-her umbrella of goodwill was large enough to cover Kaia. Especially since Kaia was, after all, the one who’d delivered Adam to her doorstep. She felt a wave of friendship toward her former rival and, just as Kaia found the right CD and slipped it into the stereo, pulled her into the center of the room, and began twirling her around. An intense driving beat burst from the speakers, matched by a pumping base line. Harper and Kaia whirled around, throwing themselves into the music, the moment.

Suddenly, the door swung open, and Kane stumbled into the room, grabbing Harper away from Kaia and swinging her into his arms. “Can I cut in?” he asked gruffly and belatedly, his breath hot and stinking of vodka.

Harper pushed him away. “Get off, Kane. You’re drunk,” she complained in disgust.

“Oh, and you’re not?” he countered, grabbing her again and trying to kiss her.

She veered away, and his lips smeared across her cheek. She’d never seen him like this-so sloppy . Beneath his lackadaisical front, Harper knew, lay a total control freak-and yet, at the moment, he was most definitely out of control.

“What’s the matter, you don’t think I’m sexy?” he slurred, flexing a bicep.

“Yeah, Kane, you’re really sexy,” she agreed sarcastically. “Especially now.”

“Oh, I’m not good enough for you now?” he asked hostilely, lurching backward.

“Why do you care?” she snapped. “You’re with Beth now, remember ? Where is she, anyway?” Harper looked around in mock confusion. “Having a little trouble keeping track of your date?”

“Apparently no more than you are,” he shot back, his voice suddenly clear and steady. “Or has Adam’s personality finally faded so much that he’s turned invisible?”

Harper ignored the insult and immediately poked her head out into the main party area, ready to prove Kane wrong.

But Adam was nowhere to be seen.

And neither was Beth.

“Lose something?” Kane asked sardonically.

She barely heard him-she was too busy asking herself the same question.

He found Beth out on the deck, her back to the party, staring aimlessly out at the dark desert expanse stretching beneath her.

“Beth?” he said quietly-no answer.

Tentatively, he touched her shoulder, and she whirled around. But her face relaxed as soon as she recognized him.

“Oh, it’s just you.” She sighed.

“Are you okay out here?” he asked, noticing that her eyes were red and glassy with unshed tears.

“I’m fine,” she assured him. “Just… thinking.”

“Yeah, I’ve been doing a lot of that lately,” he commiserated, leaning up against the rail that encircled the deck. “And there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

She ran a weary hand through her hair.

“Adam, I don’t really have the energy right now for-”

“Then just listen,” he begged her. “I need to say this. It’s New Year’s, you know.”

“Yes, I’d noticed,” she said dryly.

“I don’t want to start the new year like this,” he told her. With us-like this.”

She wrinkled her face in confusion. “Are you saying you want us to get back-”

“No, no, no,” he cut her off hastily. Was that relief in her eyes? Or disappointment? “No-I just hate it that we can’t even talk anymore.” Except for that afternoon in the mountains, he didn’t say, though he wanted to. That day when it seemed like things could be… different. Better .

“We’re talking now,” she pointed out.

Just be direct, he coached himself. Beth had hurt him, badly-but he had to let it go. He couldn’t move on if he was still trying to punish her, he’d realized. And also…he just couldn’t stand to hurt her anymore. No matter what she’d done to him.

“I want to apologize,” he finally blurted out. “I’ve treated you like shit. I’ve been horrible to you, and I realize now I was wrong.”

“Well, that’s nice of you, but…”

“We all make mistakes, Beth,” he pressed on, “and I should never have expected you to be perfect. So I want you to know”-he took a deep breath, for this was an incredibly difficult sentiment for him to express-“I forgive you.”

“You forgive me?” she asked incredulously. “ You forgive me ?”

He’d expected tears of gratitude, an outpouring of shame, or even just a wordless hug-but he hadn’t been prepared for the wave of anger flooding her face.

“You forgive me for what?” she snapped.

She had to ask?

“You know for what-for Kane, ” he hissed.

“How many times do I have to tell you that nothing happened !” she cried.

Adam felt his muscles clench and he tried to stay calm. He couldn’t believe it. He’d worked so hard to do the mature thing, swallow his pride, offer his forgiveness-and she still couldn’t even admit what she’d done to him?

“You can tell me as many times as you want,” he retorted, his voice rising, “but it won’t help. I know what you did. Why can’t you just admit it?”