Robin Wasserman: Envy

Not that she had much to be stressed about. Stress required caring what happened, wanting something, worrying about something, doing something-and none of that posed much of a problem in the lame exercise in small town boredom that passed for her life these days. No, any stress she’d had was left behind in New York, along with her friends, her boyfriends, her uncaring bitch of a mother, and her Saks Fifth Avenue credit card. All this apathy was probably doing wonders for her complexion-too bad there was no one around to see.

“Need a refill, Ms. Sellers?” the maid asked cautiously.

“No thanks, Alicia,” Kaia said sweetly. It was useful to be nice-sometimes-to the help. After all, she didn’t think her father-if he ever came back from his latest business trip-would appreciate hearing that she’d drunk her way through half his liquor cabinet. Right now it was her and Alicia’s little secret, and Kaia intended it to stay that way.

It was a good thing, too, because if it weren’t for the Jacuzzi and the booze, and the satellite TV, she’d go crazy out here.

Ever since her mother had shipped her out to the middle of nowhere, claiming that a year at her father’s house in the desert would do wonders for her character, life had become one long, uninterrupted stretch of tedium. While her mother was taking full advantage of her new childless state, whoring around New York’s spas, sales, and singles bars like a middle-aged Hilton sister, Kaia was stuck here in this scorching hot ghost town, making nice with the low-rent losers who made up the local teen scene. She’d caught only the occasional glimpse of her father, who’d claimed he was delighted to have her, then promptly left town, returning to his desert McMansion and his delinquent daughter for a few hours each week before getting the hell out again.

Kaia couldn’t blame him. If she had the cash, she’d head for the hills (or better, L.A., only a six-hour drive away) and never look back.

But Daddy Dearest had sliced through all her credit cards, so she was stuck. Now that she’d proven to herself that she could bed the two hottest guys in school-and for such a small and pathetic school, they were pretty damn hot-she was fresh out of ideas. Adam Morgan, with all of his supposed virtue and loyalty, hadn’t been much of a challenge, but the payoff had been fun, though not as much fun as watching his puppy dog face crumble when she’d blown him off a heartbeat later. Kane, on the other hand, had been no challenge at all, but that’s not to say he didn’t have his merits…

But now it was only October, and she was already bored. Again. What next? Storm the “popular crowd” and get voted homecoming queen? Rededicate herself to last month’s quest of screwing-and then screwing over-the dashing French teacher who seemed to think he was too good for her? Snag one of her father’s credit cards and get the hell back to New York?

Kaia let her head sink under the water for a moment and then burst back above the surface, the cool desert air stinging her dripping face. She was too blissfully comfortable right now to worry about tomorrow, or the next day. She was sure that eventually she’d manage to find herself some interesting trouble.

She always did.

Adam brushed Beth’s blond hair out of her face and gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. This time when he climbed out of bed and began to hunt around for his clothes, she made no move to pull him back down. It was too bad; things were so much easier when they were kissing instead of talking.

Then he didn’t have to worry about all the things he wasn’t allowed to say, things that kept threatening to spill from his lips. Things like, say, “I slept with Kaia.” Every time he opened his mouth, he feared the confession would pop out. Part of him just wanted it out in the open. Anything to be free of all this crushing guilt.

And, of course, when they were in the midst of hooking up, they were also relieved of the burden of not talking about the reason they always stopped hooking up. It was the only time they could, for once, ignore their biggest problem: sex-or the lack thereof.

It had been bad enough this summer, when it seemed like he couldn’t say anything right, when Beth assumed sex was all he wanted and seemed to silently hate him for it. Almost as much as he hated himself… because sometimes it felt like sex was all he wanted. But ever since the dance at the beginning of the school year, things had, on the surface, been much better-and beneath the surface, where it counted, much, much worse.

It was all a little hazy for him, but from what he could piece together from his drunken, fragmented memory of the night, Beth had decided that she was ready to sleep with him-and he’d passed out. When he awoke, sometime early the next morning, she was staring at him in disgust and wouldn’t say a word.

They hadn’t talked about it then, or the next day, or any time afterward. She had never brought it up. And he had never apologized.

And now sex, such a hot topic before, was off limits. Taboo. He never asked what had happened to her being “ready,” or when she might be again. Certainly never mentioned that he now knew what sex was like-and how much he wanted more of it. Sometimes he envied Kane, who could get any girl he wanted and could get anything out of her. Not that he would ever give up what he had with Beth, but sometimes he wished he could just take a break. Slip into a parallel universe where he was single. Free.

“So, it’s looking like the swim team might make it to the championships this year,” he said, trying to wipe such thoughts from his mind and searching for a neutral subject. Making it work with Beth meant not dwelling on what he couldn’t have. What he shouldn’t even want. “We’re having a pretty strong season.”

“I know,” she said with a rueful smile. “I wish I could make it to your meet tomorrow.”

“It’s okay,” he assured her, looking away. “I know you’re busy.” Last year Beth had come to all of his swim meets and basketball games, and cheered him on from the sidelines. This year she’d been too busy to make it to any of them. And he’d tried to pretend he didn’t care.

“If we do make it to the championships,” he began tentatively, “I think a bunch of kids from school will probably come along, sort of a cheering section, and maybe-”

“I’d love to go!” Beth cried. She hopped out of bed and gave him a quick hug before pulling on her denim skirt and a light pink tank top. “I mean, if you want me to be there…”

“Of course I do,” he said hastily, giving her a soft kiss. “I’ve missed my good luck charm. And it’d be fun to be there together. Good for… us, you know?”

“Speaking of us, Adam, I think we should-well, we haven’t really…” Her voice trailed off.

“What?” he prompted her gently, not really sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“Uh, I just think I should get going,” she said, her voice suddenly brisk and cheerful. “I want to get in some studying before work.”

“You have a test tomorrow?” It seemed unlikely. Usually when there was a test imminent, he knew it. It was generally pretty hard to miss-Beth had flashcards, study sessions, not to mention an endless litany of concerns about failing out of school-culminating, each time, in the inevitable A.

“No, for the SATs-you know, life-altering event only a few weeks away?” she reminded him.

“Plenty of time for that later,” he scoffed, pulling her toward him. She pushed him away. Sometimes their relationship felt like an endless tug of war. He pulled her in one direction, and something within her kept pulling in the other.

“This is my future- our future-that we’re talking about here,” she said passionately. “It’s important .”