Lucy Montgomery: Emily of New Moon

"Did he do it on purpose?" asked Cousin Jimmy blandly. It was the first time he had spoken.

"He was a miserable failure," snapped Aunt Ruth.

"He wasn't — he wasn't!" screamed Emily, suddenly sticking her head out under the tablecloth, between the end legs of the table.

For a moment the Murrays sat silent and motionless as if her outburst had turned them to stone. Then Aunt Ruth rose, stalked to the table, and lifted the cloth, behind which Emily had retired in dismay, realizing what she had done.

"Get up and come out of that, Em'ly Starr!" said Aunt Ruth.

"Em'ly Starr" got up and came out. She was not specially frightened — she was too angry to be that. Her eyes had gone black and her cheeks crimson.

"What a little beauty — what a regular little beauty!" said Cousin Jimmy. But nobody heard him. Aunt Ruth had the floor.

"You shameless little eavesdropper!" she said. "There's the Starr blood coming out — a Murray would never have done such a thing. You ought to be whipped!”

"Father wasn't a failure!" cried Emily, choking with anger. "You had no right to call him a failure. Nobody who was loved as much as he was could be a failure. I don't believe anybody EVER loved you. So it's YOU, that's a failure. And I'm NOT going to die of consumption.”

"Do you realize what a shameful thing you have been guilty of?” demanded Aunt Ruth, cold with anger.

"I wanted to hear what was going to become of me," cried Emily. "I didn't know it was such a dreadful thing to do — I didn't know you were going to say such horrid things about me.”

"Listeners never hear any good of themselves," said Aunt Elizabeth impressively. "Your mother would NEVER have done that, Emily.”

The bravado all went out of poor Emily. She felt guilty and miserable — oh, so miserable. She hadn't known — but it seemed she had committed a terrible sin.

"Go upstairs," said Aunt Ruth.

Emily went, without a protest. But before going she looked around the room.

"While I was under the table," she said, "I made a face at Uncle Wallace and stuck my tongue out at Aunt Eva.”

She said it sorrowfully, desiring to make a clean breast of her transgressions; but so easily do we misunderstand each other that the Murrays actually thought that she was indulging in a piece of gratuitous impertinence. When the door had closed behind her they all — except Aunt Laura and Cousin Jimmy — shook their heads and groaned.

Emily went upstairs in a state of bitter humiliation. She felt that she had done something that gave the Murrays the right to despise her, and they thought it was the Starr coming out in her — and she had not even found out what her fate was to be.

She looked dismally at little Emily-in-the-glass.

"I didn't know — I didn't know," she whispered. "But I'll know after this," she added with sudden vim, "and I'll never, NEVER do it again.”

For a moment she thought she would throw herself on her bed and cry. She COULDN'T bear all the pain and shame that was burning in her heart. Then her eyes fell on the old yellow account-book on her little table. A minute later Emily was curled up on her bed, Turk-fashion, writing eagerly in the old book with her little stubby lead-pencil. As her fingers flew over the faded lines her cheeks flushed and her eyes shone. She forgot the Murrays although she was writing about them — she forgot her humiliation — although she was describing what had happened; for an hour she wrote steadily by the wretched light of her smoky little lamp, never pausing, save now and then, to gaze out of the window into the dim beauty of the misty night, while she hunted through her consciousness for a certain word she wanted; when she found it she gave a happy sigh and fell to again.

When she heard the Murrays coming upstairs she put her book away.

She had finished; she had written a description of the whole occurrence and of that conclave ring of Murrays, and she had wound up by a pathetic description of her own deathbed, with the Murrays standing around imploring her forgiveness. At first she depicted Aunt Ruth as doing it on her knees in an agony of remorseful sobs.

Then she suspended her pencil — "Aunt Ruth couldn't EVER feel as bad as THAT over anything," she thought — and drew her pencil through the line.

In the writing, pain and humiliation had passed away. She only felt tired and rather happy. It HAD been fun, finding words to fit Uncle Wallace; and what exquisite satisfaction it had been to describe Aunt Ruth as "a dumpy little woman.”

"I wonder what my uncles and aunts would say if they knew what I REALLY think of them," she murmured as she got into bed.

Emily, who had been pointedly ignored by the Murrays at breakfast, was called into the parlour when the meal was over.

They were all there — the whole phalanx of them — and it occurred to Emily as she looked at Uncle Wallace, sitting in the spring sunshine, that she had not just found the exact word after all to express his peculiar quality of grimness.

Aunt Elizabeth stood unsmilingly by the table with slips of paper in her hand.

"Emily," she said, "last night we could not decide who should take you. I may say that none of us feel very much like doing so, for you have behaved very badly in many respects…”

"Oh, Elizabeth …" protested Laura. "She — she is our sister's child.”

Elizabeth lifted a hand regally.

" I am doing this, Laura. Have the goodness not to interrupt me.

As I was saying, Emily, we could not decide as to who should have the care of you. So we have agreed to Cousin Jimmy's suggestion that we settle the matter by lot. I have our names here, written on these slips of paper. You will draw one and the one whose name is on it will give you a home.”

Aunt Elizabeth held out the slips of paper. Emily trembled so violently that at first she could not draw one. This was terrible — it seemed as if she must blindly settle her own fate.

"Draw," said Aunt Elizabeth.

Emily set her teeth, threw back her head with the air of one who challenges destiny, and drew. Aunt Elizabeth took the slip from the little shaking hand and held it up. On it was her own name — "Elizabeth Murray." Laura Murray suddenly put her handkerchief to her eyes.

"Well, that's settled," said Uncle Wallace, getting up with an air of relief. "And if I'm going to catch that train I've got to hurry. Of course, as far as the matter of expense goes, Elizabeth, I'll do my share.”

"We are not paupers at New Moon," said Aunt Elizabeth rather coldly. "Since it has fallen to me to take her, I shall do all that is necessary, Wallace. I do not shirk my duty.”

" I am her duty," thought Emily. "Father said nobody ever liked a duty. So Aunt Elizabeth will never like me.”

"You've got more of the Murray pride than all the rest of us put together, Elizabeth," laughed Uncle Wallace.

They all followed him out — all except Aunt Laura. She came up to Emily, standing alone in the middle of the room, and drew her into her arms.

"I'm so glad, Emily — I'm so glad," she whispered. "Don't fret, dear child. I love you already — and New Moon is a nice place, Emily.”

"It has — a pretty name," said Emily, struggling for self-control.

"I've — always hoped — I could go with you, Aunt Laura. I think I am going to cry — but it's not because I'm sorry I'm going there. My manners are NOT as bad as you may think, Aunt Laura — and I wouldn't have listened last night if I'd known it was wrong.”

"Of course you wouldn't," said Aunt Laura.

"But I'm not a Murray, you know.”

Then Aunt Laura said a queer thing — for a Murray.

"Thank heaven for that!" said Aunt Laura.