Mortimer Penelope - The Pumpkin Eater

“You have to be very careful with some boys,” I said. “You have to know how to deal with them.”

“If you think he ran away like that because he didn’t like me — ” she shouted, outraged.

I licked my spoon, stroking my tongue with it. “I know he did.”

“Well, that just shows how ignorant you are! That just shows! He was absolutely mad about me! Didn’t you see the way he looked at me?”

“Yes,” I said. It was the first time I had ever felt completely grown up — calm, amused, comfortable as my father in his armchair after a good dinner. “Would you like another ice cream?”

“No, I wouldn’t! And I think you’re the most awful beast, saying a thing like that! You’re just a silly little baby who doesn’t know anything, and another thing, you’re the most awful hostess I’ve ever known. You’re just green with jealousy, that’s your trouble, and I can’t be bothered with you and your stupid vicar’s son or whatever he is. I’m going home to pack now and I’m jolly well going back to Little-hampton. So good bye !”

I wandered out into the warm morning feeling so happy and smooth and agreeable that even my reflection in Sainsbury’s window seemed beautiful. I walked slowly up the street, humming to myself, and when I came to the churchyard my body wheeled to the right without the slightest trouble, and I found myself hopping over the graves, even leap-frogging a tombstone, without a doubt in my mind about where I was going, or why. His bedroom window looked over the churchyard, and this had always seemed to me lugubrious for him; now it seemed proper that he should live so, among the pure and dignified dead. I hop-scotched for a few minutes on the broad paving outside the church door, then sauntered towards the Vicarage. I hardly hesitated before ringing the bell. While I was waiting I leant against the side of the porch and idly chewed a churchyard grass. The door was finally opened by a maid who looked as though she had not been out in the light for a very long time. I asked for the clergyman’s son.

“He’s not in,” she said.

“Oh.” Should I tell her I’d wait? But no, the gesture had already been made. I had not exactly run after him, but at least I had come this far. “Tell him …” I said, and pondered.

“Yes?” So great was the magic that surrounded me that she seemed eager, even pitifully anxious to know what she should tell him.

“Tell him … I called,” I said.

She nodded solemnly. I raced back across the churchyard, through the gate, up the hill, so full of energy that I had to catch railings as I passed, jump gutters, leap for overhanging lilac. “I love my love with a B because he is BATTY!” I sang. As I burst in through the front door I ran straight into my mother. She steadied me, then not waiting for me to get my breath back she said, “Ireen is upstairs. She says you were both extremely rude to her and that she wants to go home. I don’t know what Mrs. Douthwaite would think, so I want you to go straight up and tell Ireen you’re sorry. Now,” she added, as I hung back. “This minute.”

We patched it up. I knew Ireen had never intended to go back to Littlehampton, anyway. She hadn’t the courage. My parents made a great fuss of her for the remainder of her stay, and she took advantage of this and began to behave as though she were their guest, not mine. This suited me well, for it left me time to myself. The clergyman’s son remained in hiding, and for all her conviction that he was dying with love for her, Ireen did not suggest that we tried to find him. It was a hard job, keeping her entertained, even with my parents’ help. There was only one cinema in the town, and we saw both programmes. Most of the time she was making her extraordinary faces at the boys in the row behind, so I don’t think she would have noticed if we had seen both films twice; but she was so cross when they did not follow us home that she swore she’d gone right off going to the pictures and wouldn’t care if she never went again. It was the same story at the tennis club. Only well-brought-up boys played tennis, and she scared them off the courts the moment she appeared.

“Don’t you know any boys?” she said, conveniently forgetting the clergyman’s son. “I mean, aren’t there any boys in this place?”

“You met two today,” I said. “The ones who let us have their court.”

“Oh, them ! They’re children! I think the thing is that I really prefer older men. You know. Men with poise.”

I realized, of course, that she was going to have a hard time making up any stories about her stay with me. Supposing she left without one conquest? She was getting desperate. The bus conductor whistled at her as she got off the bus one day, and that put her in a good temper. But one bus conductor didn’t make a summer. Secure, patient in my love for the clergyman’s son I didn’t see what was happening. I just longed for her to leave, so that I could be free again. My mother said, “You’re keeping a certain person at the Vicarage very far from Ireen, I notice.” My mother could be a bitch at times, in her well-meaning way: or perhaps, like me, she was just stupid. It’s often hard to tell the difference, even in oneself.

On the last night of her stay Ireen put on an evening dress, if you please. “Mummy thought you might dress for dinner,” she said. “Of course we weren’t to know … Well, anyway, I’d hate her to see I hadn’t worn it.” “My goodness,” my father said. “This calls for a celebration.” He gave her a glass of elderberry wine — she said she often had wine at home — and during supper I noticed that she was making her faces at him, and that far from being terrified, as any normal person would be, he seemed to be quite interested in them. After supper we played mahjong as usual, but Ireen giggled so much — she had persuaded him to give her some more wine at supper — that it was a hopeless game, and at about half past nine my mother said, “You’re looking peaky, dear. Don’t you think she’s looking peaky, George? And Ireen has got a long day tomorrow, so I think we should all have an early night.” She tipped her bricks into the box without waiting for argument. “Come along now. Bedtime for the ladies!”

Ireen scowled. I could see that it was a little undignified, going to bed at half past nine in full evening dress. But no one argued with my mother. We all trooped up the stairs together, my mother bringing up the rear. She kissed us both briefly — she was a scrupulously fair woman in many ways — and told us not to talk too late. I could feel her relief as she shut the door on us and marched off to her own room. Ireen sat down on her bed and began biting her nails. There seemed to be nothing I could say — everything had gone too far — so I undressed and put on my pyjamas and went off to the bathroom to do my teeth without a word of comfort for her.

When I came back she was busy at the dressing table. I hardly glanced at her; just said ‘Excuse me” as I reached for my hair brush. When I had finished my hundredth stroke I lay down in bed, dropped my arms like heavy weights outside the covers and shut my eyes. After what seemed like five minutes I opened my eyes again. She was still at the dressing table. I said, “You’re being an awfully long time. Do buck up, I’m dropping.”

She didn’t answer, because she was busy doing something to her mouth. I sat up and stared at her. “What on earth are you putting lipstick on for?”

She capped the lipstick and put it down carefully. Then she swivelled round on the stool. Her face was brand new, she had made up every inch of it. “If you think I’m going to bed at half past nine,” she said, “you’re crazy.” Her voice shook a little.