Эд Макбейн - Last Summer

“I don’t think you should go, either,” David said.

“What!”

“For different reasons, though,” he said, smiling. “To begin with, he’s expecting someone who’s twenty years old. You’re only...”

“I can pass for eighteen,” she said. “I’ll wear my mother’s wig.”

“Your mother’s wig is red. You described yourself as...”

“That’s right, but I’ll wear a kerchief over it. He’ll never know the difference.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” David said, and again he smiled.

“What’s that?”

“Send Rhoda in your place.”

“Who?” Rhoda said.

“Hey, that’s...”

“Absolutely not! ”

“But Rhoda, it’s perfect!” Sandy said, leaping off the bed and rushing to where she sat. “You’re the right size, you’re the right coloring, you’re the right everything! David, that’s a marvelous idea!” she said, and threw her arms around him.

“That’s a lousy idea,” Rhoda said. She closed the paperback book with a small flourish, put it back into the bookcase with great care, and then said, “Anyway, my eyes are brown.”

“We’ll tell him the machine made a mistake.”

“And I don’t speak Chinese or Greek.”

“Neither do I.”

“Neither does he , for that matter,” David said.

“I don’t know any Spanish, either.”

“He speaks perfect English.”

“Oh yes, he sounds as if he speaks perfect English.”

“I was exaggerating his accent. He speaks fine. In fact, he sounded very nice.”

“Then why do you want to make a fool of him?”

“I don’t. I’m after the machine.”

“Why? What’d the machine do to you?”

“I don’t want to be computerized,” Sandy said.

“Then why’d you send in the questionnaire?”

“To screw up the machine,” Sandy said.

“But now you’re going along with the machine.”

“How do you figure that?”

“By keeping the date.”

“No, I’m screwing up the machine,” Sandy said.

“I don’t like that kind of language, Sandy,” her mother called from the other room.

“Sorrrrry!” Sandy sang back. “I’m screwing up the goddamn machine,” she whispered to Rhoda.

“You’re screwing up a human being,” Rhoda said. “You’re screwing up Mr. Aníbal Gomez, who doesn’t speak English too well, and who thinks you’re a lonely person like himself who wants to meet...”

“I said I don’t want to hear that language!” Sandy’s mother called again, a definite note of warning in her voice this time.

“I am a lonely person,” Sandy whispered.

“Oh, Sandy, please.”

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” David said.

“I haven’t got any,” Rhoda replied. “And even if I did, I wouldn’t want to get involved in this... double cross.”

“It’s nothing of the sort,” Sandy said. “The machine thinks I’m one person but I’m really another, so I’m sending along a totally different person to further confuse the machine.”

“People aren’t machines!” Rhoda said. “Aníbal Gomez is a person. ”

“How do we know he didn’t lie to the machine, too? He may turn out to be an old man of sixty with his teeth falling out!”

“Fantastic!” David said. “A triple cross!”

“I don’t want any part of it,” Rhoda said. “Period.”

“Okay,” Sandy said, and walked out of the bedroom.

We went down to the boat at around one o’clock.

Sandy wasn’t speaking to Rhoda, and Rhoda was visibly hurt, and I didn’t know quite what to do about it I was very fond of Rhoda, but I did feel an allegiance to Sandy as well, and frankly I couldn’t see why Rhoda was making such a fuss over a simple practical joke. In fact, David’s idea seemed like a very good one to me. Besides, I had helped Sandy fill out the questionnaire and I did have a sizable investment in the outcome; three dollars and thirty-five cents does not grow on bushes where I come from. So Rhoda’s attitude seemed indefensible, and I could understand Sandy’s anger, though I did think she was carrying it a bit far by not speaking to Rhoda and causing a very strained atmosphere aboard the boat.

David came up with a new idea as we got underway, a suggestion I was sure Rhoda would welcome enthusiastically. He thought we should all keep the date with Gomez, which would provide Rhoda with the protection and camaraderie she might need, as well as enabling us to observe Gomez’s reactions at close range. Rhoda, sulking by the cockpit, squinting into the wind, said, “If anything , that’s a worse idea than the original one,” and David shrugged and looked at me, and I looked back at him, and then glanced at Sandy who was handling the tiller with all the warmth of a U-boat commander. I shrugged back at David, and we hoisted sail and headed for Violet’s island.

Rhoda kept looking at me as though anticipating support of some kind, but I still didn’t know quite what to do. So we had a jolly trip out to the island, Rhoda sulking, and Sandy fuming, and David and I trying to make jokes at which only the two of us laughed, oh, it was a very pleasant voyage indeed. When we got to the cove, it became apparent that Sandy’s freeze was only going to increase in intensity as the afternoon wore on. To begin with, she refused to come into the water. Then, when I asked Rhoda whether she was ready for her next swimming lesson, Sandy remarked, “She’ll never learn. She’s uncoordinated,” and Rhoda burst into tears.

“Now, listen,” I said, “this has gone far enough.”

“I can’t help it if I don’t want to hurt that poor man,” Rhoda blubbered.

“Who’s trying to hurt him?” Sandy shouted.

“ You are!”

“I am not! Peter, tell her I don’t intend hurting him!”

“She doesn’t intend hurting him, Rhoda. Now stop crying.”

“Then why does she want me to go out with him and pretend I’m her and make fun of him?”

“I don’t want you to make fun of him! It’s only a joke, haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

“I have a very fine sense of humor,” Rhoda said, sobbing.

“Here’s a handkerchief,” David said, “don’t gook it all up.”

“I write jokes in my column,” Rhoda said, blowing her nose.

“I’ll bet they’re side-splitting,” Sandy said.

“Peter, tell her to stop.”

“Stop it, Sandy, can’t you see she’s upset?”

“ She’s upset? How about me? ”

“You’re both upset,” I said.

“You’d think I suggested something heinous!” Sandy shouted, pronouncing it “high-nous.”

“ Hay- nous,” David corrected.

“Don’t you start!” Sandy shouted.

“Everybody shut up!” I shouted.

“I’ve never been out with a boy in my life!” Rhoda shouted.

“All right, everybody, shut up!” David shouted.

“We said we’d go with you, didn’t we?” Sandy said.

“Yes, but...”

“You think we’d let you go alone?” David said.

“No, but...”

“So what are you afraid of?”

“Don’t be so afraid of life, Rhoda.”

“This is only a joke, Rhoda.”

“We’ll tell Gomez all about it when the night’s over.”

“We’ll all have a good laugh together.”

“Including Gomez.”

“We’ll tell him what a good joke it was.”

“He sounded very nice on the phone.”

“He’s driving all the way out here, Rhoda, he must be very nice.”

“Am I really uncoordinated?” she asked, sniffling.

“No, you’re swimming beautifully. Isn’t she swimming beautifully, Peter?”