Эд Макбейн - Last Summer

“Do what you want to do,” I said. I couldn’t stop thinking about that day last week, and I blamed her for what I was thinking, figuring if she’d only discuss the damn thing, we could forget it. At the same time, I was embarrassed by the memory of how she’d looked, and ashamed of myself for feeling so horny. Finally, I blamed David for having stupidly got himself grounded, though I couldn’t really imagine what that had to do with any of it.

“Should my date be Negro, Caucasian, or Oriental?” Sandy asked.

“Negro,” I said.

“No, let’s say Puerto Rican. That’ll really screw ’em up.”

“Is there a listing for Puerto Rican?”

“No, I’ll write it in.”

“Okay,” I said. My mouth was dry.

“Peter, what the hell is it?”

“Well, if you really want to know,” I said, “I was pretty interested that day.”

“What day?”

“The day you took off your top.”

“Oh,” Sandy said.

“If you really want to know,” I said, “which I guess you don’t.”

“Sure I do,” she said. “I appreciate your telling me, I do, Peter.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s perfectly all right that you were interested. I don’t mind.”

“I’m glad you don’t mind.”

“In fact, I’m flattered.”

“Yeah, well.”

“I mean, I’m so little, Peter,” she said, and laughed. Nervously, it seemed to me.

“You’re not so little,” I said.

“Thank you, Peter,” she said, “that’s very sweet of you.” She hesitated, and then smiled and said, “Shall we finish this?” and tapped the questionnaire with the tip of her pen.

“No, I want to settle this other thing first.”

“But what’s there to...” she started, and then turned to stare at me.

“It’s still on my mind,” I said.

“Oh, come on, Peter.”

“Well, we promised to tell the truth, and that’s the truth.”

“Well... I...” She gave a brief puzzled shrug. “Well... well, what about it?”

“I want you to do it again.”

“Do what? Take off my top? ”

“Yes,” I said, and swallowed, and looked away from her.

“Oh, boy,” she said.

“Well, that’s the truth. That’s what’s on my mind, and that’s the truth.”

“Oh, boy,” she said again.

“Well,” I said, and was silent.

Sandy stared at me. “There are people around,” she said at last.

“Yeah.”

“I’d take it off if there weren’t.”

“Sure.”

We were silent again.

“You don’t believe me,” Sandy said.

“I believe you.”

“Peter, it doesn’t mean a thing to me. I’d take it off in a minute if we were alone.”

“Sure.”

“I would.”

I did not answer her. She began tapping the pen on the magazine cover. Down on the beach I could hear the volleyball players shouting.

“I just don’t understand you,” I said at last, shaking my head. “Didn’t you know David and I would...” I shrugged.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Well, what’d you expect? ”

“I don’t know, but I didn’t once think you’d...” She shook her head angrily. “We can’t even talk straight anymore, see what you did?”

“ I can talk straight,” I said.

“Oh, sure.” She picked up a tiny beach shell and, studying it, said, “Did... did David, too?”

“How would I know?”

“Didn’t you discuss it with him?”

“Behind your back?” I said, shocked.

“I thought...”

“Of course not!”

“Peter, you’re getting me very confused.”

“It’s just that I don’t know what’s supposed to happen here.”

“Happen?”

“Yes, between us.”

“Between us?”

“Jesus, Sandy, must you repeat...?”

“I don’t understand you, damn it. I don’t understand! ”

“Are we supposed to... are David and I supposed to... to...”

“What?”

“Do things?”

“No,” she said immediately.

“Then... then what do you expect us to do, if you take off your top like that?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“Because... because I didn’t think it would matter, one way or the other.”

“Well, it got me excited,” I said quickly, and turned away in embarrassment.

“Well, I don’t know what to do about that,” Sandy said.

“Well, I don’t know, either.”

“If you’re going to be thinking about my breasts all the goddamn time...”

“I don’t think about them all the goddamn time. I just happen to be thinking about them now. ” In defense, I said, “That bikini’s hardly anything at all.”

“Well, then, I’ll just stop wearing bikinis, that’s all.”

“Everybody wears bikinis.”

“Then go think about them a little.”

“I never saw them without their tops.”

“And you won’t ever see me again, either!” she said angrily, and threw the shell into her beach bag.

“I thought you said...”

“Never mind what I said, the hell with what I said.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” She was silent for a long time. I kept wondering why she didn’t get up and walk away. I dreaded the thought of facing David. How could I possibly tell him about this?

“If only we could...” she started, and then shook her head. “I thought you understood,” she said.

“I do.”

“No, you don’t,” she said, and fell silent again. She was thoughtful for a long time. Then she sighed and put the magazine and the questionnaire and the pen into her beach bag. She rose, tugged at the bikini pants, adjusted the bikini top, brushed sand from her thighs, and held out her hand to me. For a moment she stood against the sun and was faceless.

I looked up at her and tried to see her eyes.

“Come,” she said.

I took her hand, and she pulled me to my feet. I felt very clumsy. I felt I should apologize to her. We began walking. We walked in silence, the beach bag hanging from her shoulder, thudding against her thigh with every step she took. The sun was hot. We were climbing up and away from the beach. The sound of the volleyball game was far behind us now. We continued to climb. I realized suddenly that we were heading toward the center of the island, where the fire had been.

“Listen,” I said, “let’s forget it.” Inexplicably, I had begun trembling.

“No,” she said.

“Sandy...”

“I want you to see me,” she said. “Don’t be afraid.”

“I’m not.”

“Peter, you’re lying.”

“All right, I am afraid.”

“Of what?”

“That I’ll do something to you.”

“You won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“I won’t let you.”

We were approaching the forest. The burnt pines were gnarled and black against the sky. I was trembling violently now.

“It’s too open,” I said, “they’ll see us.”

“Who?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I feel...”

“No one will see us,” she said.

We found a huge boulder, as black as the skeletal trees surrounding it. Still trembling, I sat with my back to it on the side away from the distant ocean. Sandy stood before me silently and solemnly, and reached behind her to unclasp the top of the suit. Her nipples looked exactly the way they had that day she’d rushed into the water, that day the icy water touched them.

She smiled and sat down beside me. Then she reached into the beach bag again, and began filling out the questionnaire, reading the questions and possible answers aloud to me.