Seth MacFarlane - A Million Ways to Die in the West

“Albert. He’s dead.”

“Huh?”

It was Ruth who had spoken. She stood over Clinch’s collapsed body. “He’s dead. You killed him.”

“Oh.” It was true. Clinch lay unmoving on the ground.

“Did he hear all the smart stuff that I did?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Oh. Okay. It’s still good, though.”

A wide grin broke out across Anna’s face as she elbowed Lewis in the gut. He doubled over in pain and surprise, just as the sheriff and deputy emerged from their office, guns trained on Clinch’s men.

Anna ran to Albert and threw her arms around him, raining kisses upon him with all the passion of a parched castaway suddenly being given water. His lips melted into hers for a full minute before she pulled away, gazing at him with love, pride, and profound relief.

“Not bad, sheepboy,” she said. “Not bad at all.”

“Sorry I killed your husband.” He felt at least some obligation to say it.

Anna took his hands in hers. “Albert… it’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

“Which is kinda fucked up, huh?”

“Yeah, it is kinda fucked up, isn’t it?”

They kissed again. When they parted this time, Albert became aware that he was being observed. He turned to look behind him.

Standing there was Louise.

“Hey, Albert,” she said flirtatiously.

“Oh. Hey, Louise.”

“Listen, um… if you wanna… talk about things, I’d like that. I could come by your place later on tonight.”

A very short time ago, Albert would have shot himself in the knee just to hear her speak those words. And now he felt nothing. It was not until that moment that he knew he was truly free. Free from her emotional grasp. Free to pursue happiness with someone who was ready to love him for the rest of his life.

“I can’t, Louise.” He smiled. “I really need to work on myself. But thank you for your interest.”

He didn’t see her face fall, as he was already walking away, hand in hand with Anna.

Anna turned to him with electrified eyes as something new occurred to her. “Y’know… you shot Clinch Leatherwood. The deadliest gunman on the frontier. There’s probably gonna be reward money.”

“Huh. I didn’t think about that.”

“So, what are you gonna do?”

And that was how, in the warm Arizona summer of 1882, Albert and Anna Stark, newly wed in the little town of Old Stump, came to embrace beside his small cabin, in the center of a great flock of sheep five thousand strong. And through the gift of a new, mint-bright outlook fueled by a woman’s love, Albert Stark found that he was happy to live in the West.

SETH MacFARLANE is an animator, writer, producer, director, actor, and singer. He is the creator of the show Family Guy and co-creator of American Dad! , for which he also voices many of the shows’ various characters. He is the executive producer of the television series Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey . MacFarlane’s film Ted is the highest-grossing original R-rated comedy of all time, and he is the co-writer, producer, director, and star of the film A Million Ways to Die in the West . As a singer, MacFarlane has released a Grammy-nominated album of American standards, Music Is Better Than Words . He is a graduate of the Rhode Island School of Design.

A Million Ways to Die in the West is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2014 by MRC II Distribution Company, L.P.

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.

BALLANTINE and the HOUSE colophon are registered trademarks of Random House LLC.

This novel is based on a screenplay by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild.

ISBN 978-0-553-39167-1

eBook ISBN 978-0-553-39168-8

www.ballantinebooks.com

Jacket design: Alex Merto

Jacket photograph: © 2014 Universal Studios and Mrc II Distribution Company L.P.

Digital retouching by Robert Hunt

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