C.J. Carmichael - Small-Town Girl

She willed her body to relax. That Russell was gentle helped. First he stroked her hair. She felt the muscles in her neck relax a fraction.

“My beautiful Julie.”

They kissed tentatively, like strangers who were trying to get to know each other again. In a way, Julie realized, that was exactly what they were. Four long months had elapsed since they’d last been intimate.

Russell slipped one hand between her and the bed, drawing her nearer. Inside his embrace, Julie tensed again.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she lied, angry with herself. She closed her eyes and pressed her face against his chest. Inhaling, she thought of Heather and that brief second when Russell’s arms had encircled the woman. What had been going on in their minds in that moment? What had Heather felt? And what about Russell?

With her husband’s hands on her body, Julie wondered about the past love affair, and suffered again the unfamiliar bite of jealousy. Why had Russell never mentioned this woman? Did that mean she hadn’t been very important to him? Or maybe the very opposite.

With her mind distracted, her body began to react and respond of its own accord. She moved beneath Russell’s touch now and reached out to him, as well. Soon the old heat and ache were rekindled.

She needed this. It had been so long. So long…

“Russell, you don’t by any chance have a condom, do you?”

“What?”

“I haven’t been taking my birth control pills. Not since…”

In the past, she had a morning routine. Vitamin C, iron and birth control. All with her morning glass of grapefruit juice. But after Ben’s accident, she just couldn’t. To worry about her vitamin levels when her son was in such a serious state had seemed selfish. And sex had been the last priority on her mind.

“Oh, Julie…” He groaned, pressing his body to hers, so she could feel the hard length of him. “Of course I don’t have a condom. We haven’t used them in years.”

“Maybe you could run out—” She cut off her sentence as soon as she remembered where they were. No such thing as a twenty-four-hour drugstore in Chatsworth, Saskatchewan. And even if there were…the clerk would probably know Russell by name. How could anyone buy a package of condoms at midnight from someone who knew their name?

She felt Russell’s hand on her hip. His fingers glided over the silk of her chemise, down the outer side of her thigh. Then he touched bare skin and traveled upward, finding her silk bikini briefs, already wet.

“We could improvise,” he suggested, his breath hot in her ear.

He was still pressed up against her, still obviously ready. Desperate, in fact.

It had been a long time since she’d seen her husband this way. She thought, maddeningly, of Heather again. Had his libido been revved by the sight of her shapely legs in her short denim cutoffs? Or the lush cleavage beneath that thin tank top?

Stop it! she ordered herself.

Russell had slipped her chemise from her shoulders. Now he kissed a trail from her breasts to her navel. And lower. Finally, her mind turned blessedly blank. Julie fell back on her pillow, breathing out a constrained moan at the sweetness of this pleasure.

“Yes,” she told her husband as he showed her precisely how inventive he could be. “Oh, yes, Russell, yes.”

THE NEXT MORNING, Russell and Ben walked to school together.

“Good luck!” In her black leather mules, Julie stepped out the front door. A cool breeze nipped through her thin cotton blouse, and she hugged her arms around her ribs.

Despite the chill, a translucent blue sky indicated that perfect Indian-summer day lay ahead. The birds Russell had promised chattered around her. A couple of doors down, two little girls dashed outside and raced in the direction of the elementary school.

Behind them strolled Russell and Ben, side by side on the road. Julie stood watching her son and her husband become smaller and smaller, smelling the fermenting raspberries on the bush under the living room window. No one had bothered to pick them this summer and they were rotting on the branches.

Eventually Russell and Ben turned right, as had the girls, disappearing from her sight. This morning Julie had awakened feeling better. Not quite happy, but a little more relaxed. Now anxiety gripped her again as she fretted over the challenges facing Ben today. How would the other kids react to his presence in their classroom? Would he be teased? Ignored? Bullied?

Her stomach constricted over the juice and toast she’d had for breakfast. If only there were something she could do to help Ben with this transition. But there wasn’t. Unable to stand the worry, she focused on planning her day. Someone from the phone company had called earlier to let her know a serviceman would be arriving later that afternoon to set up Internet access. And Ben and Russell would be home for lunch. The very idea was a novelty. In Vancouver, coming home for the noon meal had been impossible—for all of them. Here, apparently, everyone did it.

As for the morning, she needed to organize the spare bedroom, which had been designated as her office. Before that, though, were breakfast dishes to wash, beds to make.

Thinking of all the tasks she had to accomplish gave Julie an illusion of control, and that calmed her. She went inside and started with her and Russell’s room. As she pulled the sheet taut, she recalled last night and how they had tried so hard to please each other.

How was it that a man and woman could kiss and touch each other in the most intimate ways and still feel so distant? She suspected the problem was with her. She still loved Russell, although she wondered if she knew him as well as she’d once thought. Quitting his job, moving to Chatsworth—she never would have guessed these things would make him happy.

She’d believed he wanted the same things she did. But apparently not. No wonder making love wasn’t as easy as it had once been, birth control issues aside. A huge distance seemed to span between them, even when they were right next to each other.

Hopefully things would get easier over time. They’d definitely taken a step in the right direction last night. Although she still suspected she had Heather Sweeney to thank for that.

As before, the idea hurt, and Julie tried again to chase it from her mind. She was probably all wrong about Heather. After all, Russell had never mentioned her….

Julie moved on to Ben’s room—a disaster as usual. She snapped the bed linens into place and fluffed his pillow.

Usually she took pleasure in these easy, domestic tasks. She liked keeping order in their house—craved order, actually. But today she felt out of sorts, lonely…empty. Partway down the stairs with a load of laundry she realized this was the first time she’d been in this house by herself.

This house. It didn’t feel like a home, even though they’d filled it with their furniture and belongings. Despite her best efforts, the rooms somehow felt wrong.

And the place was so quiet.

Julie set the dial on the washer to permanent press. She added a scoop of detergent, then went back upstairs. Unwashed dishes from the morning’s French toast and grapefruit cluttered the counter. The boxes of office supplies she’d meant to unpack lined the hall to the bedroom.

Despite the chores requiring her attention, she grabbed her purse from the hook by the door, as well as her black cardigan. She couldn’t stand the atmosphere in here any longer. She had to get out.

Julie followed the same route her son and husband had walked that morning. Critically she assessed the homes of her neighbors, before turning right. The brown brick elementary school sat stoically on the left. The school yard stretched around it, deserted, waiting for recess.