Nikki Benjamin - The Baby Bind

She hadn’t realized at the time that she’d been so hard to live with all those months she’d been trying to get pregnant. With Sean’s comments fresh in her mind, however, she could look back now and understand how problematic her self-involvement must have been for him.

She had always been successful at everything she’d ever attempted to do. But she had consistently failed at the one thing she’d always been meant to do. So caught up in her own misery had she been that she’d stopped being the fun- loving, affectionate, desirous and desirable wife, best friend and playmate Sean had loved. Instead she had become an intense, emotional, unhappy woman with a mission, not to be diverted in any way, shape or form.

But she had thought that Sean wanted a child as much as she did. She had been so driven, so demanding of herself and of him, because she’d assumed they had the same goal in mind.

If only Sean had said something sooner about how he really felt. If only he hadn’t just packed up and left her…

The tears that had threatened earlier began to trickle down Charlotte’s cheeks as she thought of all the mistakes she’d unknowingly made, and how fatal those mistakes had been to her marriage.

She had been so sure that all she needed was a child to make her life complete. Now she realized, much too late, that her quest had cost her the one thing she would have never willingly given up in exchange—the man she loved with all her heart and soul.

Chapter Four

N ever lay out the terms of a business deal unless you’re absolutely sure that you can, and will, follow through with them yourself ….

That simple piece of advice, given to him by his father over a dozen years ago, echoed in Sean’s mind as he paced from one end of the master suite to the other. With only one lamp lit on the bedside table, the corners of the familiar room were bathed in dark, not altogether welcoming shadows that suited his mood much more than he would have liked.

Climbing the staircase to the third floor of the town house, he had thought that he would be asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. By the time he’d changed into a pair of fleece pants and a waffle-knit, long-sleeved T-shirt, brushed his teeth and turned back the bedcovers, though, an odd, unforeseen sense of restlessness had settled over him.

First and foremost, Sean couldn’t help but be distracted by the fact that after six long months, Charlotte was tucked into bed within incredibly easy reach, mere moments away.

If he so desired, he could go to her in the guest room, slip into the bed beside her, take her in his arms, kiss her and caress her. He could make love to her as he once had, and as he’d dreamed of doing more nights than he cared to count over the past half year.

And, oh, how he wanted to do that , as his turgid state now reminded him.

But along with his near desperate yearning to make love to his wife had come all the reasons why there could be no satisfying of his baser instincts that night, or any night for as long as he could imagine into the future. Reasons that began and ended with the terms he’d offered Charlotte in exchange for helping her go forward with the adoption of the child she wanted—apparently more than she wanted him .

She had taken no offense at all when he’d said that he would be filing for divorce after the adoption was final. Possibly she’d been a little surprised, perhaps even a little hurt, but only momentarily. With a measure of serenity and pragmatism that had left him surprised and hurt, she had offered agreement and understanding instead of the demurral that he’d fully anticipated.

Sean wasn’t sure why he’d tossed out the fillip of divorce, but the moment he’d spoken the words aloud, he’d been sorry. He didn’t want to end his marriage to Charlotte. He just wanted her to honor his wishes about having, or more precisely not having, a child.

He had thought that faced with the prospect of divorce, she would at least ask for a little time to consider the downside of going ahead with the adoption. But she hadn’t been deterred in the slightest. Which had led him to believe that she’d been pursuing the option of adopting a foreign child even after he’d revealed his true feelings about fatherhood.

Charlotte had been so hurt and so angry with him when he’d accused her of going behind his back that she’d convinced him that he had made the wrong assumption. Yet she hadn’t denied her happiness at the opportunity she’d been given to have the child she wanted, even knowing their marriage would be over as a result.

Her jibe about his lack of attention had stung him, as well, causing him to reciprocate in kind—not the wisest move he could have made under the circumstances, he now admitted to himself.

He had said a lot of things to her that he probably should have kept to himself. But continuing to hide the pain he had suffered those last few months before he’d moved out of the house in Mayfair, not to mention the sense of abandonment that had overwhelmed him at times, had no longer been possible for him to do.

Charlotte hadn’t been the only injured party in their relationship— he had been hurt, too. His tears hadn’t been shed, though. They had been swallowed along with his sense of loss, his damaged pride and his constant awareness of how powerless he was to give her the baby she wanted.

Charlotte hadn’t been the only one faced with failure on a daily basis. How had she thought he’d felt each month when she’d come to him, sobbing, to announce the start of another menstrual period? Had she never once imagined that, looking in the mirror, he saw someone so deficient that he couldn’t provide his wife with the happiness she deserved?

Sean had always hated knowing that he was at least partially to blame for Charlotte’s sadness and depression. To his way of thinking, ending their baby chase had seemed as good a way as any to go back to those days when they’d been able to laugh together, to play together, to be each others best friend and loving confidant.

But his wife hadn’t wanted that. She’d only wanted a child—a child he hadn’t been able to give her…until now.

That, Sean knew without a doubt, was why he hadn’t been able to refuse outright to help Charlotte with the adoption.

He wanted to resent everything about the orphaned little girl waiting for them in Kazakhstan, but he couldn’t be that hard-hearted. For one thing, the child would make his wife happy in a way he obviously no longer could. And for another, he liked the idea of being the one to provide the little girl with a safe and loving home where she would be nurtured with Charlotte’s love, and care and kindness.

He had no doubt that Charlotte would be a wonderful mother, and though he wouldn’t subject the child to his lack of parenting skills, he would see to it that she never lacked for anything, whether it was a secure home, clothes, toys, trips abroad, the best education available—

Not a minute too soon Sean caught himself in mid- fantasy and gave himself a firm mental shake. He’d allowed himself to get carried in a direction he’d already made clear to Charlotte that he wasn’t going. He wasn’t about to become the child’s father—at least not in any way but name only. He would provide for her, though, and for Charlotte. After all, he wasn’t selfish or cruel or mean-spirited.

Having settled that bit of business with himself, Sean sat on the edge of the bed and assessed his chances of finally being able to sleep. Still zero to none, he admitted after a minute or two, his brain buzzing in six different directions.

He thought of the contract that he had to review; a fairly simple agreement to provide a security guard for a small trucking company in Baton Rouge that had been having problems with not-so-petty theft at their warehouse. It was in the briefcase that he’d left on the dining-room table when he’d first come home, but it wouldn’t be any trouble to go down and get it. If anything was likely to put him to sleep, it was thirty-odd pages of legalese.