Stephanie Feagan - Run For The Money

I stopped walking. “Like what?”

Ed cocked his head to one side, as though he had to think about how to phrase his thoughts. Finally he said, “There’s some kind of strange chemistry there. On the surface, she can’t stand Lou. She must have told him to shut the fuck up at least five times, and I didn’t blame her because he kept coming up with wacked-out, commando ideas about how to help you. Jane said if we left it up to him, we’d all be in prison. Or dead.” Ed shook his head like he couldn’t believe it. “Lou is one of those guys who says exactly what he thinks, and to hell with being politically correct, or tactful, or whatever. He told Jane she couldn’t possibly be any help because she’s too damn emotional, that if she didn’t stop crying and shouting, he’d force-feed her a sedative.”

“Did the castration take long?”

Ed stared across the small room at me. “That’s the strange part, Pink. She agreed with him. Then she sat down and asked me what I planned to do to help you out of this jam.”

I told him what I knew about Lou and his attraction to Mom, and what we’d all overheard through the ventilation system before the ambassador became so sick. “I can’t believe, considering how she insisted she wanted to leave, that she spent the night there.”

“Naturally, after I called and told her you’d been arrested, she was upset. Lou wouldn’t let her take a cab and insisted on taking her home, but when they got to your loft, the cops were all over it and wouldn’t let her in. So Lou made her go back to Santorelli’s house with him, and she stayed all night. When I got there this morning, she was crying and he was fixing breakfast. Gave her a couple of fried eggs, bacon, sausage and toast with butter. Jane says, that’s a heart attack on a plate. Lou says, eat it now, dammit. And she picked up the fork and ate it.”

Oh, man. Mom was sliding into doormat mode. This was bad. On the other hand, it meant she was definitely not wishy-washy about Lou. All her shouting aside, Mom liked him. She wouldn’t be a doormat for a man she didn’t like. The problem was, how could she be involved with him and not become a doormat? Jeez, I wished Mom would get some counseling.

I glanced at Ed. “You’ve very carefully not mentioned Steve.”

Ed shrugged. “He’s upset, but then who could blame him? You’re the future Mrs. Santorelli. Possible First Lady. How’s it gonna look if you’ve got a parole officer following you around the White House?”

I moved back to sit next to him. “That’s not fair, Ed.”

He frowned at me. “You think I care about being fair? The guy bought you a Mercedes. He asked you to marry him on a billboard. He wants to make you First Lady. How the hell can I compete with that?”

“It’s not a competition.”

“You don’t know one damn thing about guys, Pink. It’s always about competition. Always.”

“So buy me a Mercedes and ask me to marry you on a billboard. You can afford it. Granted, you can’t get to that First Lady thing very easily, but you could run for mayor and I could be First Lady of Midland.”

“You’re not even kinda funny.”

“I’m not trying to be funny, Ed. I’m pointing out that what works for one guy won’t work for another.” I looked up at him. “As well as you know me, do you think I really give a hang about a car, or a romantic billboard, or living at the White House? I mean, seriously?”

He blinked a couple of times. “Hell, I don’t know. You’re a girl, and girls always go for that kinda stuff.”

“I said no. About the billboard, I mean.”

His laugh didn’t hold a lot of humor. “I know how that feels.” He leaned back in the chair until it rested on the rear legs. “Maybe you should say yes. I’m thinking being the fiancée of a Big Dog senator would get you a little more leeway. They might actually give it a shot to find who really did swipe five hundred Gs from CERF and who offed Taylor.”

Shocked and amazed, I gave him a scrutinizing look. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Damn straight.”

“So I should get engaged to Steve, then break it off after I’m exonerated?”

Ed shrugged. “I guess that would be up to you.”

“You really do hate his guts, don’t you?”

“Not true. I actually think he’s an okay guy. And it’s clear he’s got it bad for you, Pink. Crazy in love, even.”

“It would be incredibly selfish and cruel to say yes, then break it off. I’d be using him, and there’s no way I’ll do it.”

“Maybe you should suggest it. Be up-front about it.”

“Suppose I did, and he said yes. How would you feel about that?”

He dropped all four chair legs back to the linoleum floor. “For now, I’m willing to step aside, if it means keeping you out of prison.”

I jumped to my feet and started around the room again. “Why do you do that?”

“What?”

“Be all selfless and wonderful.”

“Yeah, I’ll show you wonderful. Take your clothes off.”

I stopped. “You can’t be serious!”

He stared at my cleavage. “As a heart attack.”

I began to pace again and he watched me for a while before he said, “All of our issues aside, I gotta say we’re unparalleled in the sack.”

“Gimme a break, Ed. It’s never been just about sex.”

He cleared his throat and stood. “Yeah, well, all of it’s moot if I don’t get you cleaned up for the arraignment. Come here and take off that dress.”

I went to him and took off the dress. He rose from grabbing the bag and froze, his gaze fixed on my breasts, which were sort of way out there on account of I had on a push-up bra.

“I guess it’d be really bad form to make love to you right now.”

“Really bad. For one thing, I’m not into being watched, and Clara might have a stroke out there by the window. For another, it would only be fun for you. I’m freaking out way too bad to enjoy it, Ed.”

He pulled a black dress out of the bag. “Another difference between men and women.”

“We wear dresses and you don’t?”

As he slid it over my head, his hands brushed my breasts, and it was definitely not accidental. “We can enjoy sex anywhere, anytime.”

“Yeah, you’ve got it made, Ed, you and the rest of humans with penises. You can pee anywhere, as well.” I shimmied until the dress fell around my thighs. “Speaking of which, I haven’t since before they locked me up. I refused to do it in front of all those women and the guards. It’s inhumane the way they have a toilet in there, just open, for anyone to watch.”

“I’ll get you to a bathroom, don’t worry.” He pulled a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste out of the bag. “I thought this would feel good.”

“Lord, yes! You wouldn’t happen to have some lipstick in there, would you?”

He produced a tube of passion pink.

“Ed, you’re the man.”

He pulled a black jacket out of the bag. “Put this on.”

I did, and he handed me a pair of black-framed glasses and a hair clip. “Now put these on, and pull back your hair.”

“But I don’t wear glasses.”

“They’re just glass. I want you to look like a serious CPA. But not dowdy or poor. I want you to look classy.”

When I was done, he inspected me. “After you brush your teeth and put on some lipstick, you’ll do. Now, all you have to do in there is stand up when I tell you to, look directly at the judge and don’t say anything. Got it?”

I nodded and he knocked on the door for Clara to let us out.

Twenty minutes later I was in a crowded courtroom, with a lot of other souls awaiting arraignment. When it was our turn, the room went curiously silent, which increased my tension a million times over.