Lynda Trent - The Fire Within

The chilling wind crept into her and Megan got up shivering. She knew her thoughts were more the cause of her trembling than was the temperature. These were thoughts she should never have had. Not when she was living in the cabin, using the things from her hope chest and waiting for Seth’s return. She would be shunned if she backed out now. Assuming, of course, that Seth returned at all. He had said in his letter that men were dying around him every day.

She went into the house and finished peeling the potatoes to boil. Doing routine work helped. It was harder to think when she had to keep her mind on the sharp knife and her fingers.

“Megan?” Caleb called.

“What is it?” She dropped the potatoes into boiling water and went into the room.

“Who drew these pictures?”

She looked at the sketches she had hung from tacks on the wall. “I did. Why?”

“You drew them? They’re good.” He was studying them as if he hadn’t noticed them before.

“There’s no need for you to make fun of me. I’m busy.” She turned to leave but he called her back.

“I’m not teasing you. Why do you always get so defensive?”

“Why would I believe you mean these things? I’m not a fool. Didn’t you just try to escape? Don’t you remember we’re enemies?”

“If you were in my place, wouldn’t you try to get away? As for us being enemies, that’s not the way I think of you.”

She frowned at him. “You must think I don’t have any sense at all. You’re North and I’m South. If that’s not enemies, I don’t know what to call it.”

“You might think of me as a person.”

“I’m busy.” Again she turned to leave but this time she paused of her own choice. “You really think my drawings are good?”

“Of course I do. They look as if they could walk off the paper.”

Megan went farther into the room. “I like to draw. Papa says it’s a waste of time and that it’s sinful to waste anything. But sometimes I just can’t help doing it.” She glanced at him to see if he was laughing at her. “I only draw when I’ve finished with the chores for the day.”

“You don’t have to make excuses for me.” His eyes met hers and she had to look away. “I’ve seen Felicity’s drawings and they aren’t nearly as good as yours, but she’s considered to be quite talented.”

Megan went to a drawing of two puppies tumbling in play. “These are two dogs Papa raised. They’re coonhounds but there’s not much for them to hunt these days. They spend most of their time sleeping under the porch.” She smiled. “That’s about all coonhounds do, sleep and hunt. And howl. You can hear these two from miles away when they pick up a scent. A good hunter can tell one dog’s voice from another and know just what they’re tracking.”

“I’ve done some hunting, but living in a city, I don’t own hounds.”

She studied him. “I can’t imagine living like that.”

“It’s not a bad life,” he said with a wry smile.

“I didn’t mean that. What do you do all day? I don’t see how you get the things you need. Surely you can’t afford to buy everything. Where do you get food?”

“From stores. We buy whatever we need.”

She shook her head. “Brother Grady would have a field day with that! He says it’s sinful not to work for everything you have and that you’re supposed to grow your own things. We try to be as self-reliant as we can be in the Hollow. There isn’t much we have to buy.” She smiled. “I guess that’s a good thing since the only thing we can’t seem to grow is money.”

Caleb didn’t comment.

“Are you hurting very bad now?”

“I’m better.”

“I could go get you some willow to chew. I’ve heard that helps with pain.”

He shook his head. “I’m all right.” He hesitated. “Megan, I wasn’t escaping from you. I have to try to get back to my unit. Otherwise, I’m a deserter.”

“I understand. I guess I would do the same thing.” She added, “Dinner will be ready soon. You’ll feel better once you’ve eaten.”

“You know your plan to trade me won’t work, don’t you?”

“I don’t know any such thing. It only stands to reason that they would want their own officer more than a private like Seth.”

“How do you intend to make this trade?”

“I don’t know yet,” she admitted.

“Crossing Union territory, even with a few Confederate sympathizers around, will be dangerous. Traveling with me as a prisoner and returning home safely will be nearly impossible. Even if we reach the right prison, there’s no guarantee that they’ll give you Seth. They might just keep me and send you away.”

Megan felt the tears rising and she fought them back. “I have to do something!”

“Because you love Seth that much?”

She didn’t answer for a long time. “No,” she said finally. “Because I don’t love him enough.” She left the room before he could ask any more questions.

Caleb lay there listening to her make supper and thought about what she had said. Certainly she was honest. She hadn’t been forced to tell him that. “If you don’t love him that much, why are you set on marrying him?” he called out.

“It’s not something you’d understand,” she called back.

“Explain it to me.”

She came slowly back into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “I was intended for Seth most of my life. I can’t explain it to someone who didn’t grow up in the Hollow. I guess it’s different elsewhere. You see, most of us are related in one way or another so we don’t have many to choose from. Seth and I are one of the few that aren’t kin and that are the right age to marry. His cousin, Patrick, married Bridget. Seth was to marry me.”

“So it’s an arranged mamage.”

“In a way. I care for Seth. Our lives fit together. Our families are friends and the family lands are side by side. After we marry, the land will all be one, for all intents and purposes, though our fathers will control it as long as they’re alive. Do you understand?”

“I’m beginning to.”

“If I don’t marry Seth, there’s no one else eligible. Not unless I want to settle for a widower and have to raise his children from a previous wife. There are two men I could marry who already have families, but both of them are Papa’s age and I don’t care for either of them. Since I don’t have a brother to look after me as I get older, I have to marry. It wouldn’t be right to expect Patrick to take me in since he has younger sisters of his own that may need to live with them.”

“You have a brother. Maybe your family will forgive him after the war is over.”

“Not Papa. He never changes his mind. Mama would take Owen back right now. He was her favorite. Owen and Papa never saw eye to eye on anything. He probably would have left the Hollow for another reason if it hadn’t been the war. Owen is too rebellious.” She smiled faintly. “He and I are alike. Bridget is more like Mama. Papa has always said that Bridget will be happy in life because she doesn’t ask for all that much.”

“And you?”

“He says I never will be. Maybe he’s right in the long run, but I’m happy now. I like my cabin and I even like not being with the others.” She looked at him. “Can you understand that?”

“I can understand it easily. From what you’ve told me, I wouldn’t want to be with them, either.”

She shook her head. “No, you don’t see. I love them. Or at least I care for most of the people in the settlement. But I like my independence.”

“And after you’re married?”

For a long time Megan was silent. “I guess we all have to give up something. Sacrifice is supposed to be good for us.”

“I’ve never believed that. And I don’t think independence is a bad thing. It hasn’t hurt me any.”