Tom Perrotta - The Abstinence Teacher

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A sharp, funny and beautifully observed satire about the disturbing influence of the Christian right from one of America’s most cherished authors.Ruth Ramsey went too far. She hadn't noticed the changing climate. A Sex Ed teacher "championing" oral sex!? Not now, not in this America…Cherished by her high school pupils as someone who'd tell it straight, after one innocent classroom indiscretion Ruth suddenly finds the curriculum she has taught for nigh on 15 years worryingly out of vogue. It seems these days the kids no longer need teaching; they need telling. As the scandal flares up and attracts the unwelcome eye of the local evangelical Church, the appeasing high-school principal forces her into advocating a pro-abstinence agenda in the classroom that is at odds with all conventional wisdom. Jaded though she is by her recent divorce and fruitless search for a new love, she is not yet ready to kneel at the altar of sophistry – if common sense is to be sacrificed to Puritanism, she won't let it pass without a fight.On the other hand, it is a syllabus change which Tim Mason, recovering addict, local football coach and recent convert to the same plaintiff Church, should consider a victory. But his new found faith is constantly put to the test by the temptations of his former wayward life, forcing him into grand, defensive statements of purpose. When he makes the gesture of leading his football team in prayer after a hard-fought victory, in which Ruth's daughter Maggie starred, he manages not only to incur the wrathful attention of her mother, but to cement his position as the star evangelist of his church – an office he is none too sure about occupying.‘The Abstinence Teacher’ is a cutting portrayal of modern America and the influence of the Christian right from the acclaimed, bestselling author of ‘Election’ and ‘Little Children’. Scathing, witty and brilliantly observed, it will doubtless confirm Perrotta's standing as one of the finest chroniclers of American life.

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Maggie took control of the ball near midfield, with nothing but grass between her and the goal. It looked to Ruth like one of those scenarios from a wish-fulfillment dream—one player way out front, everyone else stampeding behind, unable to catch up. When it became clear that help would arrive too late, the Comets’ goalie began moving away from the net, hoping to force a bad shot. Maggie just kept charging forward as if the goalie weren't even there, and it looked to Ruth for a second like another collision was inevitable.

“Shoot!” Frank was shouting. “Bang it in!”

But Maggie didn't shoot. With the goalie closing in on her at full speed, she kicked the ball sideways instead of straight ahead, a maneuver that made no sense to Ruth until she noticed that Candace Roper had also outrun the Comets’ pursuit and was pulling up even with Maggie just in time to receive the unexpected pass.

Candace had a little trouble getting control of the ball, giving the goalie time to whirl and make a panicky sprint back to the net, but it was too late. By the time she got there, Candace's shot—a weak dribbler that would have been an easy save under other circumstances—had already trickled across the goal line.

IT WASN'T true, as certain people insisted in the weeks that followed, that Ruth had gone to Shackamackan Park that morning looking to cause trouble. In fact, trouble was the furthest thing from her mind as the ref blew the whistle to end the game, giving the Stars a hard-fought 3-2 victory.

“We did it!” Arlene cried, hugging Ruth and jumping up and down at the same time. “I can't believe we did it!”

“What a game,” Ruth said. “The girls just didn't give up.”

She was surprised at how exhilarated she felt—proud of Maggie, mainly, but also mysteriously validated as a parent—and these good feelings even spilled over onto Frank as he approached with a cockeyed grin on his face. He looked wired, the way he used to get when he stayed up all night writing a term paper.

“Can you believe your daughter?” he asked. “Is she amazing or what?”

Ruth was about to launch into her own rhapsody of agreement, but she checked herself when she saw that Eliza had wandered over from the picnic table to join them.

“You missed quite a game,” Frank informed her.

She shrugged. “How'd Maggie do?”

“Good,” Ruth said. “They won.”

Eliza nodded, and Ruth could see the struggle it took for her to produce even a halfhearted smile.

“Cool,” she said.

Ruth's heart went out to her. Eliza was going through a rough patch. The divorce had shaken her, the newspaper stories about her mother had mortified her, and puberty had knocked her for a loop. In three years, she'd gone from being an adorable little girl to being a chunky, strangely proportioned adolescent with greasy hair—it didn't matter how often she washed it—a perpetual squint, and a mouth that hung open in a look of constant bewilderment. Her grades were mediocre, and her best friend had dumped her for a more glamorous crowd.

“She did good? ” Frank asked. “Are you kidding me? She kicked ass out there.”

Eliza's only reaction was to tug her upper lip over her lower one, a strange habit she had developed in the past few months.

“Can we go now?” she asked her father. “I'm starving.”

“We didn't really have time for breakfast this morning,” Frank explained. “I promised the girls I'd take them to the diner after the game.” He hesitated, glancing first at Eliza, then at Ruth. “You can come with us if you want.”

Ruth was tempted—she would have liked to talk about the game with Maggie, and see what she could do to cheer Eliza up—but she and Frank had agreed to have as few “family” outings as possible, to avoid misleading the girls about the possibility of their getting back together.

“No thanks,” she said. “I gotta go. I'm just gonna say good-bye to Maggie.”

She kissed Eliza on the cheek, then headed across the field just as the Comets launched into their obligatory postgame cheer.

“Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Stonewood Heights, Stonewood Heights, yaaay …”

The Stars hadn't done their cheer yet; they were sitting cross-legged in a circle on the grass, holding hands, looking unexpectedly solemn as they listened to whatever it was Tim Mason and John Roper were telling them. The coaches were part of the group, and that just made it cuter—the two grown men holding hands with the complete lack of self-consciousness they'd displayed while dancing at halftime—until Ruth suddenly realized what they were doing, at which point it wasn't cute at all.

“Excuse me,” she called, quickening her pace. “Just a minute!”

Several girls turned at the sound of her voice, including Maggie. Ruth caught the warning look in her daughter's eyes, the silent plea for her to just please keep out of this, but she didn't slow down.

Tim Mason ignored her approach. He kept his eyes on the ground and spoke in a low voice.

“… and all the blessings He has bestowed upon us. Our parents, our families, all the material—”

“Hello?” Ruth interrupted. “You can't do this.”

The coach stopped talking and looked up.

“This is ridiculous,” Ruth continued. “These aren't your children.”

The glance he returned wasn't defiant, but it was calm and unwavering.

“Join us,” he said. “You're more than welcome.”

“Maggie,” Ruth said, her voice harsher than she meant it to be. “You get away from there.”

“Mom,” said Maggie.

“Ruth,” said John Roper. “Calm down.”

Tim Mason looked at Maggie.

“She needs to hear this,” he said. “So do you.”

“You don't know me,” Ruth told him. “Don't tell me what I need.”

“You're no different from anyone else,” he replied. “We all need the same thing.”

Ruth was startled by the surge of anger that coursed through her body. It was as if everything she'd swallowed over the past six months— the abuse, the insults, the humiliation—had gathered into a fiery ball that was rising up from her belly, into her throat. She grabbed Maggie by the arm, jerked her to her feet, and yanked her out of the circle. “It's okay, Mom,” Maggie whispered. “It's really okay.” The softness of her daughter's voice threw her for a second, and she wondered if she'd done the right thing. But she had, she knew she had. She took a deep breath and pointed her finger at the coach.

“I'll tell you what I need,” she said. “I need you to stay away from my kid.”

PART TWO Hot Christian Sex

Three-Legged Race

ABBY WAS QUIET IN THE CAR ON SUNDAY MORNING, AND AS USUAL, Tim wasn't sure what to make of her silence. Was she sad about leaving him for another week, or relieved to be getting back to her normal life, the big fancy house she shared with her mother, stepfather, and little brother? Or was she just lost in her own head, worrying about homework, some intrigue with her school friends that didn't concern him at all? “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she said, a little too quickly “Why?” “I don't know You just seem a little subdued or something.” She insisted she was fine, leaving him to wonder if the sadness was all on his side, if he was simply fishing for a sign that she wanted to stay with him a little longer. He couldn't help feeling a pang of nostalgia for the child she used to be, the little girl whose moods were as obvious as the weather. In the past year, she'd gone all poker-faced on him, turning every interaction into a guessing game. It didn't help that Tim could never quite decide whether this awkwardness was just the normal weirdness of adolescence setting in or something more specific to the two of them.

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