Amy Schumer - The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo

NOTE TO READERS: Certain names and characteristics have been changed throughout the work, regardless of whether such changes are specifically identified.

HarperCollins Publishers

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London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in the US by Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 2016

First published in the UK by HarperCollins Publishers 2016

FIRST EDITION

© Amy Schumer 2016

Cover layout design © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2016

Front cover photograph © Mark Seliger

A catalogue record of this book is

available from the British Library

Amy Schumer asserts the moral right to be

identified as the author of this work

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

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Sources ISBN: 9780008172374

Ebook Edition © August 2016 ISBN: 9780008172404

Version: 2017-11-10

For Kimby and Jasy

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

A Note to My Readers

An Open Letter to My Vagina

My Only One-Night Stand

I Am an Introvert

On Being New Money

An Introduction to My Stuffed Animals

Dad

Excerpt from My Journal in 1994 (Age Thirteen) with Footnotes from 2016

Officially a Woman

Camp Anchor

How I Lost My Virginity

Things You Don’t Know About Me

Can’t Knock the Hustle

Excerpt from My Journal in 1999 (Age Eighteen) with Footnotes from 2016

Faked It ’Til I Maked It

Excerpt from My Journal in 2001 (Age Twenty) with Footnotes from 2016

Beautiful and Strong

Excerpt from My Journal in 2003 (Age Twenty-Two) with Footnotes from 2016

How to Become a Stand-up Comedian

Times It’s Okay for a Man to Not Make a Woman Come During Sex

The Worst Night of My Life

Things That Make Me Insanely Furious

Athletes and Musicians

Letter to the Editor

Secret Bad Habits

Mom

NYC Apartments

Blackouts and Stem Cells

An Exciting Time for Women in Hollywood

Mayci and Jillian

Things That Make Me Happy

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

What I Want People to Say at My Funeral

Rider for the Funeral of Amy Schumer

Forgiving My Lower Back Tattoo

Picture Section

Acknowledgments

Ending Gun Violence

About the Publisher

Hey, it’s me, Amy. I wrote a book! This is something I have wanted to do for a long time because I love making people laugh and feel better. Some of the stories you’ll read in here will be funny, like the time I shit myself in Austin, and some will make you feel a little blue, like the time my sister and I were almost sold into sex slavery in Italy. JK. Neither of these stories are in this book, even though both actually happened, unfortunately.

Speaking of, everything in this book really happened. It’s all true and nothing but the truth, so help me God. But it isn’t the whole truth . Believe it or not, I don’t tell you guys everything.

This book isn’t my autobiography. I will write one of those when I’m ninety. I just turned thirty-five, so I have a long way to go until I am memoir-worthy. But for now I wanted to share these stories from my life as a daughter, sister, friend, comedian, actor, girlfriend, one-night stand, employee, employer, lover, fighter, hater, pasta eater, and wine drinker.

I also want to clarify that this book has NO SELF-HELP INFO OR ADVICE FOR YOU. Over the last several years, I’ve been asked to write articles on topics like how to find a man. Or how to keep a man. Or how to rub a man’s taint at the right time. I don’t know how to do any of that stuff. I’m a flawed fuckup and I haven’t figured anything out, so I have no wisdom to offer you. But what I can help with is showing you my mistakes and my pain and my laughter. I know what’s important to me, and that is my family (not all of them, for Christ’s sake, just some of them). And getting to laugh and enjoy life with friends. And to, of course, have an orgasm once in a while. I find at least once a day is best.

So anyway, I hope you enjoy my book, and if you don’t, please don’t tell anyone.

Wish me luck!

First of all, I’m sorry. Second of all, you’re welcome.

I know I’ve put you through a lot. I’ve had hot wax poured on you and the hair ripped from you by strangers. Some of the strangers have burned you even though I told them you have very sensitive skin. But it’s on me for going to a shady-looking place in Astoria, Queens, that you thought may have been a drug front. I’ve been responsible for getting you yeast infections and UTIs and have worn stockings and Spanx for too long, knowing it could cause you problems. And I want to apologize for Lance on the lacrosse team, who treated you like you owed him money with his finger. That sucked, and I’m totally with you in being pissed. But you’ve also had a lot of nice visitors, right? Huh? You have to admit we’ve had a lot of fun together. I even fought to be able to call you “pussy,” which I know you prefer, on television.

I’ve honestly done my best as I’ve gotten older to only let people visit who will be kind to you, and I feel like I’ve done my part to keep you healthy. I know that sometimes I let people in you without a condom, but, in my defense, it feels better that way and it was only the people I was dating and trusted. Well, mostly. But we really have lucked out, haven’t we?

I’m also sorry for the time I had sex with my new boyfriend and we couldn’t find the condom afterward and then three days later I realized it was stuck in me and I had to “bear down,” as they say, and fish it out. That must have been a real bummer for you. Or maybe it was fun to have a visitor for so long? Either way, my bad!

So what do you say? Let’s grab a beer together. Okay, fine, nothing with yeast. And you’re buying.

I’ve only had one one-night stand in my life. Yes, one. I know, I’m so sorry to disappoint anyone who thinks I walk around at all times with a margarita in one hand and a dildo in the other. Maybe the misunderstanding comes from the fact that onstage, I group together all my wildest, worst sexual memories – which is a grand total of about five experiences over the course of thirty-five years. When you hear about them all back-to-back it probably sounds like my vagina is a revolving door at Macy’s at Christmastime. But I talk about these few misadventures because it’s not funny or interesting to hear about someone’s healthy, everyday sex life. Imagine me onstage saying, “So last night I got in bed with my boyfriend and we held each other in a supportive, caring embrace, and then he made sweet love to me.” The crowd would walk out and I’d walk out with them.