Anne Bennett - Walking Back to Happiness

‘Someone has to look after the pennies.’

‘I’m not expecting you to take me to expensive places or spend every penny,’ Hannah protested. ‘But just to relax now and then and not go all stiff and starchy if I suggest we have a few goes on the fair, or stop for a drink of coffee.’

Begrudgingly, though never acknowledging that Hannah was right, Arthur did go to the fair later that day. It was not a success. It seemed to give Arthur actual pain to spend money and he showed such little emotion on any ride he went on that he dampened Hannah’s enthusiasm. The thrill of fear that rippled down Hannah’s back as the Big Wheel thrust them into the air made her want to scream, but the look on Arthur’s face stifled it in her throat, as it did her shout of exhilaration on the Carousel or the Big Dipper. As for the Ghost Train, Arthur was no earthly use to her. The long moans and sudden appearance of a skeleton looming up in the blackness and the spidery things that brushed her face and trailed in her hair caused her to start suddenly and give little yelps of terror. But no comforting arm came around her.

Even the candyfloss was a disappointment; though she pulled large lumps off, as soon as she put it in her mouth it seemed to disappear and she got incredibly sticky. But she didn’t complain to Arthur and didn’t bother asking for a toffee apple, or an ice cream.

That night Arthur made no attempt to touch Hannah and she was relieved to be able to sleep unmolested, though she tried hard not to show it.

The following morning, Hannah lay and listened to the rain hammering on the windows and she got out of bed and padded across the floor to see heavy, relentless rain, the sort that sets in for the day, falling like steel stair rods from a blackened sky. They were to go home that day and really she was glad. Maybe Arthur would relax in his own house more and she was sure if he could relax, let himself go, the problem he had with arousal would be solved. It wasn’t that she longed for the sexual act itself, knowing with Arthur it would probably be a disappointment, but she knew it was important to him, like it would be for any man. It was also necessary if Hannah was to ever have the child she longed for. She gave a sigh, turned from the window and began to dress.

The breakfast bacon was nearly raw, and the eggs scrambled and just as tasteless as those the previous day, but it hardly mattered anymore. They were going home. Hannah would be mistress of her own house and then any meals would be cooked by her. She’d been a fairly indifferent cook when she’d first come to Gloria’s, but she’d learnt quickly and now good food properly cooked and presented was important to her.

She was looking forward to seeing both Gloria and Josie again, surprised how much she’d missed them. She turned to say something about it to Arthur on the train going home, but he forestalled her. ‘This business of the child, my dear.’

‘Josie?’

‘Yes, Josie. She gets on very well with Mrs Emmerson, wouldn’t you say?’

‘Well, yes. Sure the devil himself would get on with Gloria.’

‘Quite,’ Arthur said. ‘So then, if Josie were to stay with Mrs Emmerson …’

‘Arthur, we’ve been through this,’ Hannah said with a sigh. ‘My sister entrusted Josie to me. It was almost the last lucid thing she said. I promised to look after her and she died peacefully because of it. I cannot and will not go back on that promise.’

‘These deathbed promises are all very well, but to tie yourself to a child …’

‘I’m sorry, Arthur, but that’s how it is. We had this out months ago. You said you would make her welcome.’

‘Have you considered the cost of rearing her?’ Arthur snapped. ‘At least we should have a contribution from her family for that.’

‘Who from, Arthur?’ Hannah said. ‘One brother is a priest and one sister a nun, another in Connemara hasn’t two half pennies to bless herself with. Ellen’s just recently married, while Sam just makes enough to keep himself and his grandparents, and two more are making their way in America.’

‘What of the house? There should be money there?’

‘Yes, there will be,’ Hannah agreed. ‘But split between all of them it would not amount to that much. It goes to auction next week, for there wasn’t enough interest in it, so Sam said. The money for the beasts is already banked and any farm equipment that Sam had no use for.’

‘Well, however much it is, or isn’t, when it’s all settled that money should come to us,’ Arthur said. ‘In fact, you should have a share in it. You grew up with them.’

‘But I’m not part of the family,’ Hannah said. ‘I don’t want their money and I won’t let you spend Josie’s share.’

Arthur’s mouth dropped open in amazement. ‘That money is ours by right.’

‘I’m not talking right or wrong in this,’ Hannah said. ‘One day the child may need money of her own.’

Arthur was furious. ‘I can’t be expected to bear the total cost of that child’s care until she is adult without the least financial contribution.’

Hannah knew with Arthur’s true aversion to spending money, Josie would never be truly welcome there if it was affecting his pocket and in a way, he had a point. Martin had said he would send something for her when he was settled and she’d never known him let anyone down before. But nothing had come yet, and she didn’t want Arthur to hold any antagonism towards the child. She’d feel it, even if nothing was said, and that was the very thing she wanted to avoid.

‘Then let me go back to Gloria’s to work,’ Hannah said. ‘You know she wants me to. I’d get your breakfast first and leave the evening meal ready.’

‘I didn’t want you to work,’ Arthur said mulishly. ‘Not now we’re married.’

‘I know you didn’t,’ Hannah said placatingly. ‘But think about it, Arthur. What would I do at home all day anyway?’

‘What if you should have a child of our own?’

Hannah bit back the retort that something would have to be resolved in the sexual area before that could be achieved. Instead, she said, ‘Then I should imagine I’d have plenty to do. But just for now, Arthur?’ She felt his resolve weakening and so she played her trump card. ‘And then Josie living with us wouldn’t cost you anything, I’d be able to see to her myself.’

Arthur considered the proposal. He had no desire for Hannah to work. Really he had no desire for her to go anywhere and have men look at her now she was married. She was his wife and as such his needs should be paramount in her life. But he knew children were expensive, he’d heard colleagues talking about it at work, the amount they ate and the clothes and shoes they needed.

Maybe, he thought, this would be a solution to the problem for the moment. When the farm was sold, he’d have that money, whatever Hannah thought. He was the head of the house and as such he’d insist Josie’s inheritance be passed over to him. No need though to upset Hannah by telling her that, not yet anyway. He nodded sagely. ‘Let’s try it for three months or so,’ he said. ‘See how it goes.’

‘Okay, Arthur,’ Hannah said, trying to hide her pleasure. She hadn’t thought that marrying Arthur would mean a total cessation of work from the beginning, though she’d known that her hours would have to definitely change in some way. But at first, Arthur had been adamant that he wanted her at home full-time.

After three months, things might be different, but then again they might not. ‘Gloria will be so pleased,’ Hannah said. She gave a sudden shiver of excitement. ‘I can’t wait to see her again,’ she went on. ‘Josie, too, of course.’

Arthur gave a grunt, but said nothing further, never a man for small chat. Now that the matter had been resolved satisfactorily, he retreated behind the paper he’d bought at the station.