Linda Robertson - What Rhymes with Bastard?

But if I lived abroad, it wouldn’t be ‘abroad’ any more. What I needed was a Significant Change of Address.

Jack agreed to my proposal. I would now be officially, legally secure. ‘Chief,’ I said, ‘I really like belonging to someone, don’t you? Chief?’

‘Mmmm.’

I was surprised that the M-word tasted so delicious. We were being very pragmatic about it, but we did love each other, and … well, I glowed when I thought about it. It would have been nice if Jack had asked me, but I felt honoured to be licensed to reproduce with a man of such noble bearing: with his perfect skin, vision and teeth, and no allergies, he was in the fast lane of the gene pool.

We visited my parents to break the good news. They were delighted by the M-word. ‘Marriage is a promotion for any woman!’ beamed Dad, who wrote a cheque for a thousand pounds on the spot.

Mum was equally unequivocal: ‘Congratulations!’

I was glad that she wasn’t upset – but why the hell wasn’t she upset? Her only daughter, her closest friend and confidante, the only person she could argue with properly, was moving to the other side of the world. ‘Congratulations’?

The next day, I found her weeping in the downstairs loo. I put my arm round her shoulders. ‘What’s wrong, Mum?’

‘Nothing, darling.’ She sniffed. ‘Mother’s all right.’

‘Are you upset about me going away?’

‘Oh, my darling, I didn’t want you to see me like this. I’m going to miss you, of course, but this is a marvellous opportunity for you both and Mother wants the very best for you. You go for it, my darling!’ Sniff .

‘I don’t want you to be sad, Mum.’ I knew she would be, though. I was about to embark upon a grand, transatlantic guilt trip.

Sadly, Jack wasn’t so keen on the sentimentality. ‘I was thinking,’ he said, one day, ‘this wedding, it’s sort of lying.’

‘S’pose so,’ I muttered.

‘Isn’t it, Lins?’

I staunched the hurt with practicalities. ‘Do you want to return all the cheques, then?’

Two months later, Jack and I flew out to see if we liked San Francisco. We stayed with T&T, my dot-com friends. The sun was shining, and there was an English grocery opposite, so we gave it the thumbs-up and booked a wedding for Friday afternoon. Though Mum had initially been upset about me getting married overseas, threatening to book flights for the whole family, 5,500 miles proved an effective deterrent. I couldn’t see myself playing the princess in a family drama: I didn’t look the part, and we hated being together, so what was the point of all that razzmatazz and expense? My dad wasn’t arguing. So, the day after I turned twenty-seven, Jack and I tied the knot in a sweet and minimal way, witnessed by T&T, plus a party of Japanese schoolchildren on a guided tour about seismic retro-fitting. You don’t get City Hall to yourself for nineteen dollars.

We dressed up for the occasion: I wore Miss New Zealand’s dress from the finals of Miss Universe 1989 5and Jack teamed a suit with a partridge tie. And the glamour didn’t end there: our wedding night was spent in the luxury suite of the Santa Cruz Econolodge (eighty-three dollars, plus tax), with our two friends. After dinner, we smuggled three bottles of champagne into the hotel pool, splashing ourselves silly then weaving back to the suite, where Jack fell headlong into the master bedroom. I climbed on to the couch with T&T, who had switched on the Shopping Channel. ‘What are you doing, Lins?’ Tim grinned. ‘You should be getting in there!’

‘He was talking about consummation,’ I muttered, and Tina passed me a cushion. Soon the peaceful snores of my new/old husband were wafting through the plasterboard partition and I left my friends to their fat-busting machines and limited-edition hand-painted porcelain dolls.

‘Goodnight.’

A couple of days later Jack and I flew back to London and started the visa-application process. After nine months of tedium, the US Embassy told us that, while our massive stack of paperwork was in order, I couldn’t have a Green Card unless Jack had a US address and a job that paid more than $22,000 a year. While he sorted that out, I had to stay in the UK.

Separation was a daunting prospect, but I was determined not to give up. I told Jack when to resign from his London job, booked his flight, gave notice on the flat, and made plans to stay with friends for a couple of weeks while he picked up a job in the US.

Then he had flown away to become my stars-and-stripes-crossed lover. Every few days he’d call me. Our conversations were always the same.

‘I miss you, Bun.’

‘I miss you, too.’

‘I wish you were here, Bun.’

‘I wish I was, too.’

‘I miss making love with you, Bun.’

‘I miss, um, you, too.’

1High Barnet police are notorious for their poor taste in literature.

2I have calculated that, over the years, I have spent around 250 hours waiting for Jack in similar circumstances.

3Stages 2 and 3 were facilitated by constant marijuana use, which left no money for food – hence the kitchen ‘borrowing’.

4Richard Martin painted bizarre bombastic biblical epics full of clouds, angels, devils and ecstatic ascents to heaven.

5I had inadvertently befriended a beauty queen.

2: Them and Us

‘ There are a lot of idiots in this world .’

Mum

‘Hi, Linda …’s Jack! ’S OK… I’ve prob’ly godda place …’s OK, m’Bun. Carn talkboudit now …’s OK, luv you!’

Jack had been in San Francisco for three months when he found a place. It was a depressing shit-hole full of annoying clowns, but it was his. That filthy den was to be the perfect backdrop to our decaying love.

When, after a long and increasingly desperate search, he got a job, I was legally able to join him. I had to have three vaccinations, an AIDS test and a TB X-ray; I got the all-clear. I got on the plane, off the plane, on another plane, and seventeen hours later, stumbled into San Francisco airport, laden with musical instruments and ready for my new life in the sun.

As I rolled my luggage cart through the double doors, I saw my long-lost husband leaning against a pillar, wearing a familiar brown shirt and a gentle smile. ‘Hello!’ he said. We shared a hug and lots of little kisses, and he steered us to the taxi rank, one arm round me, the other on my luggage mountain.

I’d played out this moment endlessly in my mind, complete with trumpet fanfare and fireworks, but now that it was real, it felt strangely normal to see him. I checked, and he felt the same way. How could it be so prosaic? I plumped for an answer that felt good: ‘I think we’re back where we belong, Chief, so why should it be exciting to come home?’

He tightened his grip on my shoulders. ‘That’s right, Bun.’

I was in our bedroom, unpacking my accordion. ‘Listen to this!’ I launched into a halting rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’.

‘That’s great, Bun! Can we have sex now?’

‘Don’t you want to hear “Over the Waves”? I can almost do it without stopping.’

‘I’ve got vodka in the freezer!’ He ran off to get me a shot, then proffered it across my heaving bellows. I stopped playing, unstrapped myself and drank up. It felt good to be held again. Oh, yes! I thought. Sex is nice, isn’t it? Why did I always forget?

‘Oh, my Bun,’ sighed Jack afterwards, drifting into a sleepy miasma. ‘It’s so great to have you back. I can’t wait to show you off to everyone tomorrow.’

I lay beside him in the dark, wide awake. Fuck. I was here. I’d made it all happen. The car engine had stopped, but this time the melancholy of arrival was tinged with wicked relief, as if I’d avoided cleaning up after a wild party by running away at dawn. Now I couldn’t look after Mum.