Sam Binnie - The Baby Diaries

Me: So how have you been?

Zoe: Well, I have a little news.

Me: [laughing] Oh, I know your news.

Zoe: Nope. This news. [holding out her hand, with slim wedding band]

Me: Oh, you two did it! Congratulations!

Zoe: Thank you! I didn’t want to talk to you on the phone because I knew I’d give it away. I’m so happy.

Me: Please, tell me all about it.

It seems that, because it was such a long stay in the US, her super-handsome American boyfriend Zac stayed out there too, and her parents and sister came to visit for a week in the middle. With Zac’s family living right around the corner, they figured it was an opportunity they may not get again for a while; the day before, Zoe asked Pedro for an extended lunch hour and that was that. Only – and this is the most surprising bit of the whole story – somehow Pedro found out what she was doing, and not only cancelled their whole afternoon schedule, but followed them to City Hall, swept both families off to a top restaurant, paid for everything and took photos the whole time.

Me: But he took it out of your wages, right? Or he had you deported that night? What was his punchline?

Zoe: If he’s got one, I’m still waiting. He’s been … he’s been human , Kiki. Believe me, I’m as baffled as you are, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts. Oh! Do you know – he wouldn’t let me travel economy, either way? He upgraded me to First Class, saying it wouldn’t be good for the baby.

Me: And how was First Class?

Zoe: It was very good for the baby.

Me: Ah. Speaking of which.

Zoe: Ye-ee-es?

Me: Zo, I’m slightly knocked up. I don’t know what to do.

Zoe: [biting back a woop] OK, let’s take this step by step. Can I ask if it was planned?

Me: No. Yes. No, I mean yes you can ask, and no, yes, it was and wasn’t planned. It was planned at the time, but it was a one-night error which we realised in the morning. It really isn’t planned. I haven’t thought about how it would fit in with my promotion, or how we’ll look after it, or how we’ll afford it, or what we’ll do with it. What am I going to do with a baby ?

Zoe: Right, and how pregnant do you think you are?

Me: Entirely.

Zoe: And in weeks?

Me: Maybe … eleven? It’s all fairly approximate at the moment.

Zoe: And have you seen a doctor or had any scans?

Me: Yes doctor, no scans. Day after tomorrow.

Zoe: And how’s Thom?

Me: He’s pleased, I think, but worried about me. He’s OK.

Zoe: How are you feeling? I’ve just been talking the whole time and not even asking about you.

Me: Ugh. I don’t know how I am. I feel sick almost all the time, although actually that’s improving. I don’t know what to think about this, but I don’t know how to think about anything else.

Zoe: Everything makes you think of it, and nothing feels real?

Me: Exactly .

Zoe: This one wasn’t exactly planned either. Well, it wasn’t a full accident, but we were just … trying it. Seeing how it played out. And it’s worked out brilliantly, so far. If it helps you at all, Kiki, I was so freaked out when our plan actually worked. Hugely freaked out. I couldn’t speak for three days.

Me: And then?

Zoe: [shrugs] Then I could.

She said she realised that this was something happening to both of them, and it would be a hell of a lot more manageable if she shared it all with Zac. She didn’t want to be alone, and she didn’t want him to feel alone either, and if they loved each other enough to marry in the face of Pedro’s insistence on twenty-hour working days, they could certainly manage growing a baby together. We stayed for a couple of hours, nursing our non-alcoholic cocktails, then were both so wiped out that I was home by 9, although I agreed to keep her posted with our scan results.

I think she’s right. I need to share this properly with Thom, not carry it all on my own and keep him at a distance. And I’m so glad to be going through this with a friend, too. And she might be only a month or so ahead of me, if my dates are right.

I couldn’t sleep last night, thinking about the scan today. I’m a giant emotional pendulum, elated one minute and excited to see our baby, terrified and frozen by the thought of actually seeing it the next.

But we had a slot first thing, and got to the hospital just in time so we didn’t have to hang around waiting. We completed the forms and had barely sat down in the waiting room before my name was called by the receptionist, and a friendly woman was welcoming us into the little room, filled with wires and screens.

Sonographer: Hello, I’m Clare. Katherine?

Me: [staring at the equipment] Yes, hello.

[silence]

Thom: I’m Thom. We’re hoping I’m the father.

Me: [not really listening] Sorry, yes, this is Thom.

Clare:— Hello, Thom. Katherine, there’s no need to be worried. Nothing I’m using today will harm your baby in any way, it’s perfectly safe equipment just to check everything’s going well, OK?

Me: OK.

Clare: Shall we get started? I just need you up on this bed, please, and you just need to lift your top up, that’s all. [I clamber on] Great, that’s perfect. I’m just going to put some of this gel on your stomach, to improve the contact, OK?

Me: OK.

Clare: Right, I’ll just have a look around. Yes, we’ve got the head here, can you see that?

Me: OK.

Thom: [quietly] Wow.

Clare: And you can see the spine following down, here. See that bit there?

Me: OK.

Clare: That’s the stomach, and all the internal organs.

Thom: Kiki, isn’t that amazing!

Me: OK.

Clare: I’m just going to take some measurements now, to check everything’s on schedule and growing as it should.

She worked in silence for a while, moving the wand around and marking points on the scan.

Clare: Mmm. [concerned] Mmmm .

Me: What what is it what’s wrong?

Clare: I’m just … is it?

Me: What can you see?

Clare: No, I … No, I think it’s fine. I just watched Alien for the first time the other night, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Just checking your baby has all its limbs and no tentacles. Hang on, is that …?

Me: WHAT ?

Clare: [cheerful] No, nothing. Have you seen that film?

Me: [wide eyes at Thom] Yes.

Thom: No.

Clare: [to Thom] Don’t. Not for at least … a year, I’d say. OK, we’re all done here! Everything looks fine. I’d say you’re just over fourteen weeks at the moment, which makes your due date the 21st May, and your baby’s growing well so we don’t need any further scans at the moment. We’ll see you in six weeks for your twenty-week scan, then. I’ve sent your pictures to reception to collect.

We stumbled out of the room to get our pictures.

Thom: She was amazing. And now I’m curious: I really need to see Alien .

Me: You really, really don’t. And she really, really wasn’t.

We agreed to disagree, but I shall have to keep an eye on Thom. I suppose I’ll know if he’s watched it on the sly as he’ll suddenly come nowhere near my stomach.

It was so strange to see the baby really there. It sucked its thumb and rolled around, and I really believed for the first time that we were going to be parents.

TO DO:

Find out what babies do, and need, etc.

Ask Suse?

Today was the day we’d agreed to break the news to our families. As with our engagement, we – by which I mean Thom – told his parents in Australia over the phone, just prior to telling my family over here. Aileen and Alan were delighted, shrieking down the phone and checking over and over that I was looking after myself, that Thom was looking after me and the baby, that we were happy, that we were well. It was so nice to talk to them and so nice to hear how glad the news had made them, but I also felt exhausted by it, and nervous about having to do it all over again with my family actually in front of us, where I’d be unable to draw my finger across my throat as a signal for Thom to draw the conversation to a close when it all got too overwhelming. My hands were shaking so much as we left our house that Thom had to do my coat up for me, saying, ‘It’s all practice for when you can’t do this yourself in a few months,’ to which I sighed, ‘I’m only going to have a bigger stomach, I’m not having my hands cut off.’ Thom tugged an imaginary forelock at me, and we headed over to Susie’s.