Beth Albright - Wedding Belles

“Here I go. Oh, Blake, I can’t stand it, I’m so excited, I’m gonna burst.”

“Honey, let’s hope not.” If this was how she felt picking up the license, we’d likely need to give her medication on her wedding day. We went inside and followed the signs down to the marriage license office.

As we walked through the door, Lewis stopped and held Vivi in front of him. “I love you, Red. Today’s our day,” he said with a grin. “We’re gonna be official. I am so happy, baby.” He leaned down and planted quite a kiss on her.

She blushed right up to her red-haired roots, then smoothed her dress over her five-month baby bump and laughed. “I’m so nervous. I changed clothes six times.”

“Well, you look gorgeous. Let’s do this.” Lewis was just as excited as she was.

We approached the lady at the counter. She looked to be around fifty-five, with straight brown hair cut in a severe bob. She scanned Vivi’s burgeoning belly. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry, you must have the wrong room. This is the office to apply for a wedding license.”

“And what the hell makes you think I’m in the wrong room?” Vivi snapped, but her eyes were smiling. She loved toying with people.

The lady looked down at Vivi’s tummy. “Well, I just, um...”

“Yes, I am pregnant and I am wearin’ white at the wedding, too.” Vivi was loving this. “Now can I apply for my marriage license, please?”

“To each his own. You can work out those details with your minister,” the woman said with disinterest. “Y’all got your information ready to go?”

“It’s all right here.” Vivi handed over her paperwork.

“And how about you, sir?”

Lewis was grinning like I had never seen him before. His face was flushed with joy as he lay down his documents. “Never been more ready than I am today.”

The lady studied the information and typed all the appropriate answers into the computer on the counter. After a few moments of awkward silence, she frowned at the screen and then cleared her throat.

“Well, sir, I’m not so sure about that. I think you may have been a little more ready about thirteen years ago,” the woman said, clicking a few more keys. She looked up at him. “The great state of Alabama frowns on bigamy, and you, sir, are already married. By the way, aren’t you our play-by-play announcer? Roll Tide.” She smiled.

“Wait. Already what? Did you just say my fiancé is already married?” Vivi repeated in shock.

“There is no damn way!” Lewis was livid, his face turning a blotchy red.

“This is a mistake,” Vivi said, her voice rising. “I have known him for every one of those thirteen years and he has never been married!” She was about to pitch a full-out conniption fit right here in the courthouse.

“Ma’am, I have never been engaged, much less married,” Lewis insisted. “A person would know that, I think.”

“Well, sir. This is your birth certificate. This is your social security number. It matches all the information you just gave me, right down to the signature. This wedding certificate belongs to you, alrighty.” She printed out a copy and handed it over to let Vivi and Lewis read it for themselves. “As you can see, Mr. Lewis Heart married Miss Tressa Mae Hartman in April of 1999. I have no record of a dissolution of marriage.”

Vivi turned white as a ghost and leaned into me. I held her up and walked her over to the bench just outside the room. I was fanning her with some pamphlet I had picked up, and she looked about ready to faint.

Lewis followed us, holding the evidence in his hand, his mouth still dropped open. “There is just no way in this world, no way,” he said again. “This can’t be real. I know it can’t.”

“Get me some water, quick,” I said. “Vivi’s gonna pass out.”

“Where’s the water? Where?” Lewis went into panic mode.

Great, I thought. Now they’re both flippin’ out.

“Oh, I see it.” He ran down the little hallway in his slick dress shoes, heading for the watercooler, when he wiped out completely and landed on his back. I could hear the breath leaving his body from twenty feet away.

Vivi was crying and muttering, “No, no, no.” She didn’t even see him fall.

“Lewis, oh, my God, are you okay?” I asked.

“Fine,” he groaned, stumbling to his feet. “I’ll get that water now.” He made his way hurriedly toward the watercooler down the hall, his dress shoes still slipping on the newly waxed vinyl floor of the Tuscaloosa courthouse.

He grabbed some pointy paper cups, filled two of them and ran back to us, sloshing water all over his chest and slip-sliding as he came. He was a mess.

“Here you go, baby.” He gave Vivi one cup. She was still hyperventilating.

“Lewis Heart, please tell me this is a mistake,” she begged.

“I swear, I can explain.”

“Explain? Oh, my good God in heaven!”

Vivi jumped up, turning beet-red, looking like she was ready to wring his neck. She faced him down with her hands on her hips. “You mean to tell me this is true? You’re married for real? Oh, for Christ’s sake, Lewis, why haven’t you ever told me?”

She dropped back down on the bench, then leaned over onto me and began sobbing. “Why, Lewis? Oh, my God, why? We don’t have time for you to get a divorce before our wedding. It’s all over. I won’t have my wedding day, and I’m gonna have to birth this baby as an unwed mother.”

“Oh, honey,” he said, getting down on one knee in front of her. “Let me tell you all about it.”

“Yes,” I said, “I, for one, am interested in the whole sordid story.” I scowled down at him. My mind was racing. All this time I’d truly believed he was devoted to Vivi, but this news had thrown us for a loop. And this was my best friend we were talking about. There was no way I was gonna let this ass get off easy for hurting my Vivi.

Lewis clutched Vivi’s hands. “Okay, here goes. I sorta remember this.”

He had to be kidding. Sorta?

“Lewis, you gotta do better than that,” I said. Vivi’s head still lay on my chest, and my arms were wrapped around her protectively.

“I was, like, twenty-one, and we had this thing at my fraternity,” he began.

“This thing?” Vivi asked, finally sitting up.

“Well, we were all a bit drunk and someone teased somebody else that he was too chickenshit to get married. Things kind of went on from there, until the brothers at the frat decided to perform a fake wedding ceremony with our chaplain. So this dancer chick, Tressa was her name—”

“Yes, we heard,” I interrupted.

“Well, Tressa offered to be the bride and give a lap dance to the lucky groom.”

“Seriously?” Vivi snapped. “You took her up on that?”

“I was a kid! And I was drunk. I’m not saying it’s the best decision I ever made, but you know how I was back then. The wild one, the daredevil. We all had a bet that no one would go through with it, and I finally volunteered.”

“Always some sort of horny man bet. I hate that. We never behaved that way in college.” Vivi folded her arms and huffed. The truth was, we’d gotten in our own sort of trouble back then, but I wasn’t about to remind her now.

“Well,” Lewis went on, “I figured this guy was pretending to be a chaplain and fake-married us, or so I thought. He had us sign some joke certificate they’d drawn up and everyone toasted us. Then, she gave me my...uh...dance, and I left. I never saw her again.” Lewis was up pacing and shaking his head. “I thought it was all a big joke, but I guess the chaplain turned the papers in. He must have been a real preacher—and what he was doing at that party I will never understand. My God, I just can’t believe...” He sank down on the bench next to Vivi and covered his face with his hands.