George Fraser - Mr American

“Thirteen,” said the King suddenly; he said it loudly, and everyone stopped talking. “Thirteen,” he repeated, and then to Mrs Keppel: “Alice, there are thirteen of us at dinner.”

“Oh, dear,” said Mrs Keppel brightly. “I never noticed. Well …”

The King muttered irritably, picked up his fork, glared at his ptarmigan pie, put down his fork, and pulled his napkin away fretfully. “I don’t like having thirteen at dinner,” he exclaimed petulantly. “Don’t people know that?”

There was dead silence round the table, broken by a sharp clatter as one of the servants at the buffet dropped a spoon. Everyone was looking at the table-cloth, except for Sir Charles, who was gazing in consternation at his daughter. Mr Franklin raised his glass and stole a sidelong glance at her; she was looking straight ahead, her face pale. Mr Franklin was beginning to wonder if he had heard right; was the King seriously objecting because the guests made up an unlucky number? Evidently he was, for Mrs Keppel suddenly said, looking across at Peggy:

“Perhaps we could have another place set, my dear? If your brother would join us? Then we should be fourteen, and …” She made a gesture that combined apology, appeal, and whimsicality all in one, but the King was growling beside her, apparently indicating that his dinner was spoiled.

“Oh, stop it, Alice. It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, but it does! I feel ever so uncomfortable myself when there are thirteen.”

“Unlucky,” said one of the men helpfully. “Thirteen.”

“I’ll send for Arthur,” Peggy was beginning, and Mr Franklin could hear the trembling snap in her voice; careful, King, he thought, or you’re liable to get a plateful of ptarmigan pie where you won’t like it. He suddenly wanted to laugh aloud; it was too foolish for words, but although there was a variety of expressions on the faces round the table, astonishment was not among them. Sir Charles, who had been so cool and precise and assured this afternoon, was literally pulling at his collar, and preparing to get to his feet, but he was forestalled from an unexpected quarter.

The insignificant-looking Smith was rising. “No, no, not necessary; I’ve a much better idea.” He bowed towards the King. “With your permission, sir, I’ll take my dinner over there, on that corner table. Then there’ll only be twelve, what?”

“Shall I join you, Jinks?” said Soveral quickly, and Mrs Keppel, laughing, cried: “No, no, Jinks, it’s too silly!” but Smith was on his feet, beckoning one of the servants, telling him to mind and not spill his glass, indicating the corner table, and people were laughing as though at some excellent joke. Mr Franklin sat stupefied, watching Smith bustling about, directing the servants, until they had transferred his place to the small table by the buffet, and he had seated himself, pulling comical faces, holding his knife and fork like a caricature of a hungry small boy, and then waving to Peggy and calling: “Toodleoo, old thing! It’s ever so jolly over here!”

The King had slewed round in his chair to look at him. “Jinks,” he said, “you’re an ass.”

“Of course, sir!” cried Smith. “Here, where’s my ptarmigan pie?”

“You can have mine, if you like,” said the King, and taking up his plate he placed it on the floor beside his chair. “Come on, Fido!” he snapped his fingers. “Come, boy! There’s a good doggie!”

Smith said “Woof! woof!”, and Mr Franklin almost expected him to drop on all fours and crawl across the floor, but at that moment the King turned back to the table. He was laughing, and of course the table was laughing, too, including Peggy. Mr Franklin suddenly realized that his own features were twisted into an expression of mirth – he hurriedly took a drink, and plunged into conversation with Lord Arlesdon. What he said, he had no idea, but it occurred to him later that his lordship was almost certainly not listening. What Mr Franklin was thinking was, I don’t believe this, but I know it’s happening. Presently he took stock of the table again; the flow of conversation had resumed, the King was actually eating heartily and talking loudly to Mrs Keppel while he shovelled away at his plate, Peggy was laughing at something that Soveral was saying – and over by the buffet Smith was clamouring for another helping, and being treated to various sallies from the male guests on that side of the table. Mr Franklin continued his meal, determined not to meet anyone’s eye.

“You see what I mean?” murmured Peggy quietly. “Do you know what I think I should do, if it weren’t for Daddy? I think,” she went on dreamily, “that when the ices came I should take one and smear it all over his fat, ugly, piggy, nasty little face. Wouldn’t that be splendid?”

“Don’t they put you in the Tower for that sort of thing?” wondered Mr Franklin.

“They put you on the front page of the Express,” said Peggy. “Ah, well, daydreams, daydreams. However, he seems happy enough for the moment, the old beast.” The King’s deep laugh boomed across the table, and a moment later Peggy was laughing animatedly with Mrs Keppel, and calling across a gay inquiry to the distant Smith a fatuity about his not wanting an ice since he was dining in Siberia, which provoked a royal chuckle.

His majesty was equally affable when the time came for the ladies to rise, bowing to Peggy as they withdrew and complimenting her on a capital dinner, absolutely capital; she in turn bestowed on him a dazzling smile and curtsied magnificently in the doorway with a rustle of skirts and a gleam of white shoulders and bosom as she sank beneath the approving monarchial eye. As the door closed the gentlemen moved in to those seats nearest the King’s, Mr Franklin making haste to follow. But when Smith would have joined them, he was waved away by the royal hand.

“No, no, Fido; dirty little doggies don’t sit round for their port. Here, come to heel – come on, there’s a good boy.” He took up a decanter and saucer, turning his chair and stooping with difficulty to fill the saucer at his feet. “Now then, Fido,” the King beckoned with the cigar which Ponsonby had lit for him, while the others crowded round his chair, “come and get drinkies, there’s a good dog! Come on!”

Smith dropped obediently on all fours, and scuttled across the carpet making joyful barking noises. As he began to lap up the port, his face in the saucer, the King gravely tilted the decanter and poured its contents over the courtier’s head. There were roars of laughter as Smith shook himself like a retriever, splashing port broadcast, the King crying out in disgust and protesting boisterously that he was a dirty dog, and not fit to be in a gentleman’s dining-room. Then, good humour at its height, Soveral chuckling genially while his dark eyes strayed watchfully, Sir Charles wearing a fixed grin, and the rest chortling loudly at Smith’s discomfiture, they settled down to their cigars and conversation. Smith was permitted to take a seat, amidst much boorish banter and shoving, and was soon deep in animated talk with his neighbour, oblivious of the sticky, plastered condition of his hair, and the wine which continued to trickle down his face on to his soaked shirt-front. Mr Franklin contemplated the wine-sodden figure, the pallid face, and the nervous, unnaturally bright eyes which occasionally met his own only to slide quickly away – and wondered.

They were not long over their port. The banalities of conversation soon bored even the King, who presently heaved himself up and led the way to the drawing-room, where the ladies were assembled. Here his majesty took a fresh cigar, coughed resoundingly and announced: “Bridge. All right, Soveral? And let’s see – Alice, are you ready? That’s three –” and as he surveyed the company Mr Franklin was conscious of a tremor in his stomach. With luck one of the others … “No, no, Halford, I haven’t forgotten – you trumped my queen last week. Where’s our American friend? Ah, there you are, Franklin – come on!”