Philip Hensher - King of the Badgers

‘What is a goitre?’ Miranda said.

‘Heaven alone knows,’ Sam said. ‘I only said it for the comic potential.’

‘Sciatica.’

‘Boils. Piles.’

‘Giant wen,’ Miranda said fondly, as if bringing out a pet name.

‘Gout,’ Sam said. The nice thing about Miranda was that you never had to explain a joke: she was quicker than any woman Sam had ever known to catch on to an elaborating absurdity. She could catch a principle. ‘And shingles.’

‘Shingles really isn’t amusing if you have it,’ Miranda said. ‘An old aunt of mine had it, and it was awful. Most of these things, it’s the old names that are so amusing, like the Shaking Palsy, which is Parkinson’s, isn’t it? I don’t know why they don’t think up a non-funny, anti-funny name for shingles that would mean you took it more seriously. As if psychiatrists had to say that their patients were loony, bonkers, round the twist and nut-jobs. Shingles sounds about as serious as freckles, and it’s no fun at all.’

‘Miranda, freckles can be terrifying ,’ Sam said. ‘Much worse than Harry’s goitre, if it does turn out to be a goitre, which I seriously doubt. I don’t suppose any of them are actually enjoyable to get. Some of them sound funny, and some of them don’t. Goitre. Funny. Leukaemia. Not funny. Children used to get mumps, didn’t they? That’s a funny-sounding disease. Did Hettie get mumps ever?’

Miranda busied herself with some flowers on the walnut card table, and Sam saw that he had trodden on one of those occasional and unpredictable patches in Miranda’s life where she was not prepared to be clever or amusing. ‘I don’t know why you should know any better than I do. Is that Stanley out there again?’

‘Staring at the chickens,’ Miranda said. ‘They seem quite inured to him. If I were a chicken and there were an immobile great hound staring at my every doing from a foot away, I’d peck him on the nose. I haven’t noticed that he even stops them laying, though they won’t do it in front of him, which is what I guess he’s waiting to see.’

‘Like not being able to go to the loo with someone watching, I expect. I admire your hens’ composure immensely.’

‘Does Stanley sit and watch you on the lav in the morning, then?’ Miranda said. ‘Go on, you’re blushing, he does. I knew he did. Doesn’t it put you off laying?’

‘Please.’

Sam leant forward and tapped on the window. He meant to attract the attention of Stanley, in the fenced-off garden on the other side of the road. Stanley inclined to deafness, as basset hounds do. He made no response, his attention fully on the chicken coop. Or perhaps he did hear: the sound of knuckles rapping on windows followed him around, every day of his life. Just then, a woman was passing. ‘Woman. Came into the shop this afternoon. I’ve seen her around and about before,’ Sam said. ‘Bought half a pound of Wiltshire Gjetost and an olivewood cheeseboard for her new kitchen.’

‘Not a ghoulish tripper, then,’ Miranda said. Just then Billa and Kitty came to the door with their copies of The Makioka Sisters , each recognizable in a string bag, for the evening’s discussion. She went into the hallway and opened the door. For an odd moment Sam could hear her welcoming cries in two dimensions, from the outside and from the inside, like a two-woman chorus. Inexplicably, the woman who had waved at Sam came up behind Billa and Kitty. Sam went into the hallway, almost knocking over a Japanese lacquer table in his haste.

‘You don’t know me,’ the woman was saying to Miranda over Billa’s imperturbable green-quilted shoulder. ‘But I know you’re Miranda Kenyon. It’s nice to meet you. I live in the flats over there, on the top floor. With my husband. My name’s Catherine Butterworth.’

They were awkwardly placed. Sam relished these moments of embarrassing social disposition, and this one was almost unprecedented. Billa and Kitty were at the door, and could not be invited in without actively dismissing the woman. They stood there, half turned between Miranda and Miranda’s new friend, their smiles fixed and formal, not quite greeting anyone. Miranda’s smile in turn was general and remote. Probably, Sam reflected, never in her life had Billa been greeted with the words ‘You don’t know me, but…’

‘Hello there, Sam,’ Catherine Butterworth said, giving him a flap of a wave. He’d evidently told her his name, though he couldn’t remember doing so.

‘Hello, Catherine,’ he said. ‘Did you enjoy the Gjetost? Unusual cheese, that.’

‘Toffeeish,’ Catherine said. ‘Very unusual. We’re saving it for an after-dinner treat. I’ll let you get on. We’re having a little drink next week—next Saturday at six or so. Our son’s coming down to see our new place—he’s bringing his new partner, so we thought he’d like to meet some neighbours, too. Any of you. That would be delightful. Over there, in the block of flats—Woodlands. Silly name. On the top floor, number six—it’s the only flat on the top floor. Do come.’

‘On the top floor of the flats that spoil our view,’ Miranda said, once she had waved Catherine on her way and ushered Billa and Kitty towards the drinks table. A schooner of fino for Kitty, like wee in a test tube, and a gut-destroying but no doubt Colonel’s Mess-ish Campari and soda for Billa. Sam knew the clearing-out effects Campari had on Billa’s insides. He looked forward to the later stages of their Makioka discussions being accompanied by Billa’s thunderous tummy-rumbles. ‘I’ve never met anyone who lives there before. Couldn’t even identify them by sight. I can’t imagine what anyone was thinking of, throwing up a monstrosity like that between the Strand and the estuary. I think people must have been quite mad in the 1960s. It’s so out of keeping.’

‘We’ve been to the meeting,’ Kitty burst out.

‘Oh, God, how I envy you,’ Sam said. ‘What’s the latest?’

‘Yes, we must get through it before Kenyon gets home,’ Miranda said.

‘Is he coming home tonight, Miranda?’ Billa said. ‘I thought—’

‘Totally placed a tabu on any further mention of it,’ Miranda said precisely. ‘I don’t imagine we talked about anything else for seventy-two hours last weekend—people popping round to chew over it. Then phoning up. Then Hettie’ —voice lowered at this point— ‘actually coming out of her room and not telling us she hates us for once but wanting to know all the details. So’ —back to normal volume— ‘after three days of Heidi and Micky and Tragic China and the others—’

‘Hannah and Archie and, and, and,’ Sam said, counting them out on his fingers.

‘—Kenyon couldn’t stand it any longer and said he didn’t want to hear another word, not even if Tragic China were found camping underneath the blackcurrant bush in the back garden.’

‘Harvey,’ Sam said with satisfaction. ‘That’s the fourth one. Very ugly child. Unbelievable, really. You can understand why they didn’t have him abducted. Never knew a child could be both porcine and bovine at the same time. Wouldn’t have thought its face would tug at the heartstrings of readers of the Sun when they saw it. I thought the little girl was plain but, really, when you see the others, they were making the best of rather a bad job. It is fascinating, though, do admit.’

‘Simply gripping,’ Billa said. ‘I can’t imagine why Kenyon doesn’t want to talk about it all the time from the moment he wakes up. It’s quite put a pep in Tom’s stride in the morning, knowing that he’s going to bump into someone on the Fore street with some delicious new titbit or ingenious theory. Yesterday it was that the children were in charge of concealing China. No one would suspect them of conspiracy.’