Anne Bennett - Mother’s Only Child

The Square was full of people. Maria was mortified by it all, and though most people’s eyes were sympathetic, it hardly helped. The only thing that helped really was Barney’s arm. Then, as most of the people dispersed to their homes when the ambulance was out of sight, Bella and Dora came over and some of the customers from the shop followed them.

‘You’re not to blame yourself, Maria,’ one of the women said. ‘You did your level best.’

‘Aye, nothing to reproach yourself for,’ another put in. ‘Daughter in a million.’

These were the very women vociferous in their condemnation of Maria even considering a new life for herself in Dublin, yet now they seemed all of a sudden on her side.

She hadn’t time for them, couldn’t even bring herself to acknowledge their words, and Barney, feeling the raw emotions running through Maria, said quietly to Dora, ‘Will you go in to Sam? He’s bound to feel it. I’m taking Maria out of this. We’ll go for a walk.’

‘You do right,’ Dora said, just as quietly. ‘She looks done in, poor girl, and she’s as white as a sheet.’

Still with his arms protectively around Maria, Barney passed through the knot of remaining people and strode up the road towards Greencastle. Once the town was behind, however, he turned inland and didn’t stop until they came to a little hilltop with a grass-covered knoll at the top, above a swift stream surging down the hillside across its rocky bed on its way to join Lough Foyle.

‘This was always one of my favourite places,’ Barney said, and they sat down together.

Maria said nothing. At least, he thought, she had stopped crying and he withdrew his hanky and mopped her face and then kissed her eyes.

Maria gasped. That action reminded her of Greg. Stop thinking about Greg, she admonished herself. He belonged to another life now, he was someone else’s husband, some wee child’s father and lost to her for ever. This is the here and now, with Barney beside her.

And a very careworn, exhausted Barney, she noticed for the first time. ‘You look…you look…‘

‘Awful, I know.’

‘I was going to say tired.’

‘Aye,’ Barney said, and added, ‘I worked all night so I could be with you today.’

‘Ah, Barney!’

The words, spoken so lovingly, sent the heat coursing through Barney. He felt himself harden. ‘Maria,’ he said, ‘I think I love you.’

He kissed her then with all the passion in him. When he pressed her lips open gently and let his tongue dart in and out of her mouth, she resisted at first. Then she relaxed and gave herself up to the pleasure of it, and moaned softly.

Barney smiled to himself. He’d had many sexual encounters and was a skilled lover. He began to kiss her again. Her senses reeled and she tried to press him closer, but Barney was busy unbuttoning her cardigan and then her blouse. Maria hadn’t taken the time to bring her coat for the day was mild.

Maria wondered why she wasn’t protesting, but it was as if she hadn’t the energy. She felt incredibly sad still and terribly guilty. There was no room left in her to feel shame at what she was allowing Barney to do to her. She wanted to forget the events of that morning, even for the briefest of time. She wanted, oh, how she wanted, someone to bring her gratification for a change and Barney was doing an excellent job. She had no desire to ask him to stop.

Barney couldn’t believe he had got so far. Every minute he had expected his hands to be slapped down, but Maria sat before him in her brassiere and when he gently pushed her onto the grass, lay on top of her, and covered her mouth with his, she returned his kisses passionately.

Maria felt as if she was floating in bliss. She closed her eyes as Barney kissed her neck and throat and then he slipped the straps from Maria’s shoulders, pulled the brassiere down to her waist and saw the ripe juiciness of Maria’s breasts before his eyes.

When he began to lick her nipple gently, then suck at it greedily, Maria moaned in ecstasy and felt desire stabbing at her, demanding to be satisfied. ‘Oh, Barney…Oh God…‘

‘Maria, you are beautiful, wondrous,’ Barney cried huskily, his breath coming in short pants. ‘I love every inch of you.’

He knew he could take her if he wished and presumed all the emotion over the last few days, culminating in that awful scene that morning, had drained Maria. She definitely needed him, and wanted him as she never had before. If he was to make love to her, she’d be his. She was ripe for it now, like she might never ever be again. ‘You know I’d never hurt you, Maria,’ Barney said, kissing her between each word, as he fiddled with the waistband of her skirt.

This was when Maria knew she should put the brakes on, but Barney had worked her up so much, it would have been like stopping the tide. All she said was, ‘Yes, Barney.’

She was caught up in desire that she never felt before. Her brief courtship with Greg had been chaste, very proper, but now her whole being cried out for fulfilment, satisfaction for the passion that was almost consuming her.

Barney’s hand was between her legs, rubbing her and teasing her, until she cried out, ‘Oh, please, please.’ She didn’t know what she was asking for, just something to still the ache burning inside her.

‘Are you sure?’ Barney asked.

‘Oh, yes. Quick.’

And then, Maria knew the doctor wasn’t the only one to lie. He’d said Sarah wouldn’t know or care where they took her, and Barney said he wouldn’t hurt her but he did.

Then it didn’t matter. They clung together, every nerve pulsating and moving as if they were one person. Waves and waves of exquisite joy that went higher and higher, and ever more rapturous, ran through Maria until she thought she’d explode.

‘Oh, Barney, I love you, love you, love you,’ she cried as Barney clasped her even closer.

‘And I you, you darling girl,’ he said.

Maria was breathless when it was eventually over, but still she held Barney close. ‘You have your answer,’ she panted. ‘I will be proud to love you and to be your girl.’

Barney rolled off Maria and lit a cigarette. She lay beside him, satiated, contented in a way she never had been before.

They wandered back to the village some time later, hand in hand, and Dora had only had to catch the one sight of them to know what they’d been at, for the delight and joy of it still played around Maria’s mouth. Her flushed face, tousled hair and grass-covered clothes told their own tale.

Sam was too bowed down with shame and guilt to notice anything. God, he’d be glad when the day was over. That look Sarah had given him should have turned him to stone. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t let himself regret the decision to send Sarah away, for now Maria didn’t have the responsibility of her. Best thing he could do was get out of the road to and give the girl back her life. It wasn’t as if he was any bloody use.

‘Have you any drink on you, Barney?’ he asked desperately, almost as soon as the man was in the door.

‘No, but I’ll get you one, and gladly.’

‘Daddy…‘ Maria chided.

‘Don’t nag me, child,’ Sam pleaded. ‘Not today of all days. I’ll not get through it at all without a drink.’

‘Leave him alone,’ Barney advised Maria at the door. ‘It’s all the poor sod has. You have me. We have each other.’

‘Oh, Barney,’ she said, then gasped as he slipped a hand between her legs.

‘See what he’s missing? What’s a drop of whiskey?’

What indeed? Maria was smiling as she closed the door.

In the cold light of the next day, Maria faced what she had done with Barney and her face flamed with embarrassment. She remembered her abandonment and how she’d given herself so freely that she had begged and pleaded like some sort of wanton. Oh dear Christ, what had she been thinking of? However would she face Barney after this? She’d be barely able to look him in the eye.