Laurie Graff - You Have To Kiss a Lot of Frogs

www.mirabooks.co.uk

For my mother,

Lonnie

and for my brother,

Steve

Thank you to…

All the family members, friends, peers and people who have inspired and encouraged me. You know who you are!

Margaret Marbury at Red Dress Ink for picking me out of the slush pile and saying “yes,” and the RDI committee in New York, Toronto and the U.K. for agreeing with her.

My editor, Melissa Jeglinski, who is a joy to work with. Who helped me create a road map for Karrie Kline. Who has great ideas, and great taste in restaurants!

The entire RDI team for their wonderful and creative work on all aspects of this book, and special thanks to Zareen Jaffery for her help.

Robert Youdelman, Danielle Forte and Dianne Jude for their terrific work, and Mark Pedowitz for pointing me in that direction.

Nancy Kelton whose class, Writing from Your Personal Experience, started something. The “Los Angeles Writer’s Bloc” and “The WorkShop Theater Company.”

Lisa Forman and Ruth Kreitzman for pushing me to write.

Jill Cohen for the serendipitous act that led to publishing this book!

Jamie Callan for oh so much, for everything!

Nancy Giles for the delicious brainstorms!

Ellen Byron, Steve Keyes and Matt Graff for support from the beginning.

Stewart Zuckerbrod, Tracy Tofte, Sandy Eisenberg, Pam Clifford and Susan Banerjee for always listening to me read. Phyllis Heller for ideas. Mary Gordon Murray for living through the rewrite process with me, and Marlene Kaplan who’s going in the white limo!

And in memory of David Stenstrom who was the first one to say, “Laurie, you should be writing this down.”

You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs

April Fools’ Day

Hell’s Kitchen, NYC 2003

Wake Me When We Get There

Flashback—Easter Week

Brooklyn, NY 1969

Nottingham Forest

Memorial Day Weekend

The Catskills, Upstate NY 1988

David’s Dad

Rosh Hashana

Central Park West, NYC 1988

Whose Party Is This Anyway?

Daylight Saving Time Ends

Grand Central Station, NYC 1989

A Clue in Time Saves Nine

Tisha B’av

Greenwich Village, NYC 1990

Roman Holiday

My Birthday

Gramercy Park, NYC 1991

My Worst Date…Almost

New Year’s Day

Chelsea, NYC 1992

The Clan of the Cab Bears

Passover

Port Authority, NYC 1992

Wherefore Art Thou?

Valentine’s Day

Upper East Side, NYC 1994

That’s All, Folks

An Hour Later

Ten Blocks North, NYC 1994

Joy to the World

Flashback—Last Christmas

Charlottesville, VA 1993

That’s Really All

Present—Fifteen Minutes Later

Back in the Elevator, NYC 1994

The Truth About Men and Astrology

Flag Day

The Upper West Side, NYC 1994

From the Top

Election Day

The Theater District, NYC 1994

Eating out of His Hand

Veterans’ Day

Soho, NYC 1994

Feast Your Eyes

Twenty Minutes Later

Fifth Avenue, NYC 1994

The Lightbulb at the End of the Tunnel

Three Months After That

Midtown, NYC 1995

Cheesecake Delight

Labor Day

The Great Lawn, NYC 1995

Life in the Fast Lane

First Day of Autumn

Los Angeles, CA 1995

The Lion’s Share

Groundhog Day

West L.A., CA 1996

What’s the Big Deal?

Hanukkah

Studio City, CA 1996

The Call of the Wild

Mother’s Day

Beverly Hills, CA 1997

Weight-Listed

First Day of Summer

Los Feliz, CA 1997

Starry, Starry Night

Last Day of Summer

Hollywood, CA 1997

There’s No Place Like Home 250

Two Weeks Later

Hollywood, CA 1997

We Have So Much in Common 262

The Next Night

Hollywood, CA 1997

You Should Be So Lucky

Presidents’ Day

West Hollywood, CA 1998

A Eulogy for Henry

My Fortieth Birthday

West Palm Beach, FL 1998

The Wedding

Father’s Day

Brentwood, CA 1998

How Personal Do You Want to Get?

Halloween

Columbus Avenue, NYC 1998

Putting Back the Pieces

Thanksgiving

West Palm Beach, FL 1998

In Motion

St. Patrick’s Day

Baltimore, MD 1999

Unscrambled

Liberation Day

NYC Underground 1999

I Can Do That

Martin Luther King Day

My Kitchen, NYC 2000

Modem Operandi

Columbus Day Weekend

Henry Hudson Parkway, NY 2001

Shiksa Syndrome

Counting the Omer

West End Avenue, NYC 2002

In Search of the Regular Ultimate Hold

Fourth of July

East Hampton, NY 2003

The Water in the Walls

New Year’s Eve

Brooklyn Heights, NY 2003

About the Author

Coming Next Month

April Fools’ Day

Hell’s Kitchen, NYC 2003

I like being a woman. I also like being friends with other women. I don’t, however, like feeling forced into participating in some ritual with an entire flock of them I’ve never even met. It’s like having to wear those dumb party hats, and blow on those even dumber paper things at midnight with a bunch of strangers on New Year’s Eve. You’re thrown in with people you don’t know and don’t want to be with, but you’re all going to share this intimate event with glee. If it kills you. And that’s how I feel at this bridal shower.

Here I am. Tuesday. 6:00 p.m. Right after work, if you actually have a normal job, and I’m standing in a Mexican restaurant in midtown Manhattan, holding a margarita I’m not drinking because I don’t like the salt. I’m stuck wearing gray wool slacks because I came from an audition for a soup commercial, à la Winter in Vermont, and realized way too late that the bag with my dress was at home on my bed, and not with me. The bright fluorescents highlight the brown roots on my red head, and a silver barrette is holding together a few strands of hair, attempting to disguise a bad bang trim. That time-of-the-month bloat is making my size-four pants feel tight, and my hair feels hot around my neck. I can’t help but compare myself to everyone around me. They seem perfectly coiffed, and groomed, and excited to be here. I’m one of fifty overeager women waiting for Marcy to arrive to surprise her because, finally, after twenty-five years of dating, she’s met some guy she’s going to marry. And everyone’s gabbing how they’re sooooooo happy for her. Frankly, I don’t believe it.

The married ones must be remembering their showers. The too many toaster ovens and Crock-Pots, the friction between the maid of honor and the other best friends, and now the contemplation if the marriage has lived up to the fanfare of the shower.

The single ones are standing with plastic smiles, wondering if the person getting married is really better off than they are. That’s me. I wonder, is Marcy really Happy Now? And is that to say she really never was before? After the years of angst and dates and therapy and plans for when The One arrives, when It happens, what does It feel like? What does it feel like to be with Mr. Right. Mr. It. Does it feel great? Does it? Does it feel better than it did before? Does it feel better than I feel standing in the middle of it? Watching. Comparing. Are other people unconditionally happy for this person or is it just me?

“Sssshh, she’s coming.”

“AAHHHHHH!!!”

“QUIET…QUIET…quiet…”

The lights in the restaurant are out, and there’s chatter coming up the stairs to the balcony. Everyone pushes together in the middle to see. To see how Marcy will react. She thinks her mom and aunt are taking her to see The Phantom of the Opera. Aunt Tessie’s visiting from Philadelphia and wants to see it, she’s heard “The Music of the Night” sung so much over the years. Marcy thinks they’re coming to Fajita Fajita for a bite before the show. Little does she expect that tonight, eight weeks before her wedding, years after attending God knows how many showers herself, instead of seeing Phantom, she would see every important female she knows tell her, “I’m so happy for you. I told you it would happen. It happens for everybody. It just has to be your time.”