Candace Bushnell - The Carrie Diaries and Summer in the City

He leans back and gives me a smug look. “Usually.”

Aha. Sebastian is a guy who loves drama. But I love drama too. So maybe we’re perfect for each other. Must discuss this aspect with The Mouse, I think, making a mental note.

“So are the French onion soup and lamb chops good for you?” he asks as he gives our order to the waiter.

“Perfect,” I say, smiling at him over the rim of my martini.

And there’s the problem: I don’t want French onion soup. I’ve had onions and cheese my whole life. I wanted to try something exotic and sophisticated, like escargot. And now it’s too late. Why do I always do what Sebastian wants?

As I lift my glass, a woman with coiffed red hair, a red dress, and bare legs knocks into me, spilling half of my drink. “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she says, slurring her words. She steps back, taking in what appears to be a romantic scene between me and Sebastian. “Young love,” she twitters, staggering away as I mop up the mess with my napkin.

“What was that about?”

“Some middle-aged drunk.” Sebastian shrugs.

“She can’t help being middle-aged, you know.”

“Yeah. But there’s nothing worse than a woman over a certain age who’s had too much to drink.”

“Where do you pick up these rules?”

“Come on, Carrie. Everyone knows that women are lousy drunks.”

“And men are better?”

“Why are we having this discussion?”

“I guess you think women are lousy drivers and scientists, too.”

“There are exceptions. Your friend, The Mouse.”

Excuse me?

Our onion soup arrives, the top bubbling with melted cheese. “Be careful,” he says. “It’s hot.”

I sigh, blowing on a spoonful of gooey cheese. “I still want to go to France someday.”

“I’ll take you there,” he says, just like that, cool as can be. “Maybe we could go this summer.”

He leans forward, suddenly aroused by the thought. “We’ll start in Paris. Then we’ll take the train to Bordeaux. That’s wine country. Then we’ll swing down to the South of France. Cannes, Saint-Tropez…”

I picture the Eiffel Tower. A stucco villa on a hill. Speedboats. Bikinis. Sebastian’s eyes, serious, soulful, staring into mine. “I love you, Carrie,” he whispers in my fantasy. “Will you marry me?”

I was still hoping to go to New York this summer, but if Sebastian wants to take me to France, I’m there.

“Hello?”

“Huh?” I look up and see a blond woman wearing a headband and a gummy smile.

“I had to ask. Where did you get that bag?”

“Do you mind?” Sebastian says pointedly, to the blonde. He plucks the bag off the table and puts it on the floor.

The woman walks away as Sebastian orders another round of drinks. But the mood is broken, and when our lamb chops come, we eat in silence.

“Hey,” I say. “We’re like an old married couple.”

“How so?” he asks in a flat voice.

“You know. Eating dinner and not talking. That’s my worst fear. It makes me sad every time I see one of those couples at a restaurant, barely looking at each other. I mean, why bother going out, right? If you have nothing to say, why not stay home?”

“Maybe the food’s better at a restaurant.”

“That’s funny.” I put down my fork, carefully wipe my mouth, and look around the room. “Sebastian, what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Well then,” he says.

“Something is wrong.”

“I’m eating, okay? Can’t I eat my lamb chops without you nagging me the whole time?”

I shrink with embarrassment. I’m two inches tall. I widen my eyes and force myself not to blink. I refuse to cry. But wow, that hurt. “Sure,” I say casually.

Are we having a fight? How on earth did this happen?

I pick at my lamb for a bit; then I put down my knife and fork. “I give up.”

“You don’t like the lamb.”

“No. I love the lamb. But you’re mad at me about something.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You sure seem mad to me.”

Now he puts down his utensils. “Why do girls always do that? They always ask ‘What’s wrong?’ Maybe nothing’s wrong. Maybe a guy is just trying to eat.”

“You’re right,” I say quietly, standing up.

For a second, he looks anxious. “Where are you going?”

“Ladies’ room.”

I use the toilet, wash my hands, and peer closely at my face in the mirror. Why am I being like this? Maybe there is something wrong with me.

And suddenly, I realize I’m scared.

If something happened and I lost Sebastian, I’d die. If he changed his mind and went back to Donna LaDonna, I’d double die.

On top of that, tomorrow night I have that date with George. I wanted to get out of it but my father wouldn’t let me. “It would be rude,” he said.

“But I don’t like him,” I replied, as sulky as a child.

“He’s a very nice guy, and there’s no reason to be unkind.”

“It would be unkind to lead him on.”

“Carrie,” my father said, and sighed. “I want you to be careful with Sebastian.”

“What’s wrong with Sebastian?”

“You’re spending a lot of time with him. And a father has instincts about these things. About other men.”

Then I was angry at my father too. But I didn’t have the guts to cancel on George, either.

What if Sebastian finds out about the date with George and breaks up with me?

I’ll kill my father. I really will.

Why don’t I have any control over my life?

I’m about to reach for my bag, when I remember I don’t have it. It’s under the table where Sebastian hid it. I take a deep breath. I order myself to buck up, put on a smiley face, get back out there, and act like everything is fine.

When I return, our plates have been cleared. “So,” I begin with false cheeriness.

“Do you want dessert?” Sebastian asks.

“Do you?”

“I asked you first. Can you please make a decision?”

“Sure. Let’s have dessert.” Why is this so excruciating? Chinese fingernail torture sounds more appealing.

“Two cheesecakes,” he says to the waitress, ordering for me again.

“Sebastian—”

“Yes?” He looks like thunder.

“Are you still angry?”

“Look, Carrie. I spend all this time planning a date and taking you out to a really nice restaurant and all you do is pick on me.”

“Huh?” I say, caught off guard.

“I feel like I can’t do anything right.”

For a second, I sit frozen in horror. What am I doing?

He’s right, of course. I’m the one who’s being a jerk, and for what? Am I so scared of losing him that I’m trying to push him away before he can break up with me?

He said he wanted to take me to France, for Christ’s sake. What more do I want?

“Sebastian?” I ask in a tiny voice.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He pats my hand. “Everyone makes mistakes.”

I nod, sinking further into my chair, but Sebastian’s mood is suddenly restored. He pulls my chair around next to his, and, in full view of the entire restaurant, kisses me.

“I’ve been wanting to do this all night,” he whispers.

“Me too,” I murmur. Or at least, I thought I did. But after a few seconds, I break away. I’m still a bit angry and confused. But I take another sip of my martini and push the angry feelings down, right to the bottom of my soles, where hopefully, they won’t cause any more trouble.

“Wow,” George says.

“Wow what?” I ask, coming into the kitchen. George and my father are comparing notes on Brown like they’re old pals.