Dr Malkin - The Narcissist Test - How to spot outsized egos ... and the surprising things we can learn from them

Life at 5: Self-Assured

Lisa, 41, married, Asian American, is the executive director of a nonprofit that serves the local Asian community. She came to me after her mother died from a massive stroke. “She didn’t even make it to the hospital,” Lisa told me in our initial phone call. “I’ve been different lately, a little off my game, so I thought I should speak to you.”

When I met Lisa in the waiting room, she was chatting with another therapist’s client (I’m in a suite of offices with other therapists). I’d seen this other woman before, but I’d never seen her speak to anyone. She usually sat quietly, reading a magazine or scrolling through her smartphone. Today she was smiling.

“Nice meeting you,” said Lisa, as she waved goodbye to the woman. And I could tell she meant it.

I led Lisa down the hall. Before she sat, she smoothed out her skirt—navy blue and business length, with a matching suit jacket—and adjusted her ponytail. “I’m a big believer in staying on top of things. I don’t want this—whatever this is—to get out of hand.”

Since her mother’s death, Lisa had thrown herself into a bunch of new projects. She was so tightly scheduled she barely had time to think. “I’m always on the go,” she said. “But I’m really pushing myself these days.”

Lisa, who had successfully launched a number of programs for the homeless and elderly, was something of a local celebrity. She had myriad political connections, from alderman to senators, and made frequent TV appearances. “Most people hate all the media work, but I love making speeches or being on camera. I feel so alive then. I’m kind of a ham, anyway. I used to be an actress.” She’d hit the stage as a toddler and continued acting in plays and musicals through high school. “I adore applause.”

“But lately it feels like too much?” I asked.

“Isn’t it?” she asked, and took a deep breath. “How do you know when it’s healthy—all this chasing after success? All these big dreams?” I could tell she’d gotten to the heart of what had been eating at her. She visibly relaxed once she’d said it, her eyes glistening.

“You’ve been more driven than usual these days, since losing your mother. We can work on that. But the joy you take in dreaming big hasn’t just made you happy—it’s made others happy, too,” I said. “I’d say that’s the definition of health.”

At the heart of healthy narcissism is the capacity to love and be loved on a grand scale. People who live in the center of the spectrum don’t always take to the stage, but when they do, they often lift others up with them.

Lisa embodied many of the traits of healthy, centered narcissism. Her grief had driven her into the public eye a little more than usual, but she had enough self-awareness to realize something was wrong. People who live in the center know when their grandiosity is getting the better of them. They know when they’re getting too caught up in themselves. Lisa’s delight in feeling special never blinded her to how other people felt. Her main concern came down to her husband, Doug. She worried he’d become lonely—and he probably had.

“I found him in front of the TV the other day,” Lisa admitted, “and he was looking pretty down. I’d been up all night working on a project and hadn’t come home.”

That prompted a long conversation in which Doug admitted to Lisa that he felt she’d been too self-involved lately.

“He told me all I talk about is work,” she explained. “And he’s right.”

Lisa’s ambition had ratcheted up to high gear. She’d regale Doug with the intricacies of her latest project and how much she’d impressed the clients. She’d surge into a monologue, her voice charged with excitement, as she brought him up to speed on her latest, grand vision to fix the homeless shelter.

“He was feeling totally unimportant,” she said. “I knew I had to fix that. The last thing I want is for Doug to feel like he doesn’t matter to me.”

“So what did you do?” I asked.

“I told him I’d been selfish and would make it up to him,” she said, smiling. “I stayed home the next night and cooked us dinner.”

Lisa displayed other features typical of people around 5 on the spectrum. She drew inspiration from her grand ideas. She’d become a creative leader in her field, rallying supporters even in the political arena. Her dreams pushed her to achieve and rise above an ordinary life but she never used them to make people feel beneath her. If anything, people felt important in her presence, as if they brought value simply by being who they were. Lisa made the quiet woman in the waiting room light up.

That’s a sure sign you’re with someone in the middle of the spectrum—they bring out the best in everyone.

Interestingly, they’re not an especially modest bunch. They don’t need to brag or boast or show off to feel good about themselves, but they’re not bashful about their talents either. Lisa, for example, met her husband at a nightclub and she’d approached him. She slipped up beside him, brushed his shoulder, and after a few minute of flirting, invited him onto the dance floor. “Come on,” she’d said. “I’m a great dancer—promise.”

And she was.

Now you’ve met people along the whole range of the spectrum, from extreme echoists to extreme narcissists. And you can see that narcissism has many faces, both healthy and unhealthy. No doubt at this point you’re wondering: Where do I fall on this spectrum? You may already have some sense just from reading and relating to these stories, but you can get an even better idea by completing the Narcissism Test.

4 4 The Narcissism Test: How Narcissistic Are You? PART II: ORIGINS: HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY NARCISSISM 5 Root Causes: The Making of Echoists and Narcissists 6 Echoism and Narcissism: From Bad to Worse PART III: RECOGNIZING AND COPING WITH UNHEALTHY NARCISSISM 7 Warning Signs: Staying Alert for Narcissists 8 Change and Recovery: Dealing with Lovers, Family, and Friends 9 Coping and Thriving: Dealing with Colleagues and Bosses PART IV: PROMOTING HEALTHY NARCISSISM 10 Advice for Parents: Raising a Confident, Caring Child 11 SoWe: The Healthy Use of Social Media 12 A Passionate Life: The Ultimate Gift of Healthy Narcissism Resources References List of Searchable Terms Acknowledgments About the Author About the Publisher

The Narcissism Test 4 The Narcissism Test: How Narcissistic Are You? PART II: ORIGINS: HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY NARCISSISM 5 Root Causes: The Making of Echoists and Narcissists 6 Echoism and Narcissism: From Bad to Worse PART III: RECOGNIZING AND COPING WITH UNHEALTHY NARCISSISM 7 Warning Signs: Staying Alert for Narcissists 8 Change and Recovery: Dealing with Lovers, Family, and Friends 9 Coping and Thriving: Dealing with Colleagues and Bosses PART IV: PROMOTING HEALTHY NARCISSISM 10 Advice for Parents: Raising a Confident, Caring Child 11 SoWe: The Healthy Use of Social Media 12 A Passionate Life: The Ultimate Gift of Healthy Narcissism Resources References List of Searchable Terms Acknowledgments About the Author About the Publisher

How Narcissistic Are You?

Before you grab your pen and flip to the test—I know you’re itching to—you should know a few things.

First, don’t expect to fly through this test. It’s not like one of those quizzes you’ll find in popular magazines. As you’ve seen, narcissism is far more complicated than most people think, which means that any test worth its salt is bound to require a little work. It’ll be worth the extra effort, however; you’ll learn a lot about yourself by the end. You might even be surprised.

Also, this test is not like others designed by psychologists to measure narcissism. Most surveys start with the assumption that any narcissism is bad. Answer “True” to “I like looking at my body” or “I am assertive,” and your narcissism score begins to grow. Say “True” enough times, and you’ll score high enough to be a “narcissist.” But there’s obviously nothing harmful or destructive about feeling confident about your body or being assertive. And it certainly indicates a lack of healthy narcissism when someone freely admits they’re nothing special.