Harriet Evans - A Hopeless Romantic

Paddy turned his back on her and looked out of the window, as if he was counting to five. Then he turned around again.

‘Hey, love,’ he said in a gentle voice. ‘I know how you feel about him. But it’s never going to happen. He’s never going to leave Amy. Can’t you see that? He’s a wanker, and he’s using you.’

‘How dare you say that,’ Laura retorted, her voice rising. She turned the tap off. ‘How dare you! That’s bullshit. He’s not like that, it’s not like that. It’s just…complicated. He can’t just dump her, I don’t want him to do that. We have to wait before we can be together…we…oh.’

She slumped down into a chair, tears in her eyes. The lino squeaked under her feet. ‘It sounds so fucking clichéd,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so stupid.’

‘You’re really not, darling,’ Paddy said, patting her hand across the table. ‘You’re just mad about him, and what’s wrong with that, eh? You’ve got to…you’ve got to sort it out, that’s all. You know what you’re like.’

Laura stood up again and went over to make the tea. ‘I have to, I know,’ she said. ‘It’s just. It’s just – I can’t think of anyone I’m ever going to like more than I like him.’ Hot tears ran down her cheeks and she rubbed her eyes, feeling like a little girl in the playground.

It was true, that was the awful thing. She knew all this, she thought she was a sensible girl. But some kind of love had taken hold of her and refused to let her go, and it wasn’t a happy, easy, joyful thing, it had her in a vice-like grip.

She looked up at Paddy and smiled, trying to be brave. His face contorted with sympathy, and he walked over to where she stood and gave her a big hug. ‘Do something about it, darling,’ he said, his voice muffled against Laura’s shoulder. ‘Give him an ultimatum. Or give yourself an ultimatum. Get pregnant. No –’ He stood back and shook her. ‘Forget I said that. Really, don’t get pregnant.’

‘I won’t,’ Laura said, touched, for Paddy really did look alarmed. ‘Don’t be stupid.’ She picked up the mugs. ‘I’ll do something about it, honestly.’

‘Deadline. You need a deadline,’ Paddy said, sitting back down and picking up the newspaper, which was lying on the table. ‘Ooh, travel. Book a holiday,’ he said casually, throwing the travel section at her. It flapped through the air and Laura caught it, scrunching it in her hand, and wedging it under her arm. ‘Book a holiday to somewhere fantastic and then you have to go,’ Paddy suggested. ‘You know, in a few months’ time, when everything’s sorted out. God, I’m brilliant. As you once were, young woman. Go off and shag that worthless young man in there. I’ll make your excuses to Jo, but she’s not going to be happy. You know she’s not, you blew her out last week.’

It was true. Laura had arranged to go to Borough Market with Jo, but something else had come up, a Dan-shaped something else.

‘It’s her birthday in a couple of weeks. I’ll make it up to her then,’ Laura said gratefully.

‘Honestly. The things I do,’ Paddy murmured.

‘Thanks, Paddy,’ Laura said. She paused, as if she might say something else, gazing at the back of his head as Paddy picked up his tea and turned a page of the newspaper. ‘Thanks a lot.

I…well.’

A watery ray of pale sunshine was shining weakly in through the window. Laura turned and left, her head bowed in thought.

‘I’ve cancelled lunch,’ she announced as she came back into her room.

Dan sat up in bed and spread his arms wide. ‘Great, great news, my gorgeous darling girl,’ he said. His hands slid inside her ratty old dressing gown, slipped open the tie, and he pulled her towards him. Laura laughed.

‘Let me put the pot down,’ she said, as he started kissing her. She crouched down, put the paper and the teapot on the floor, stood up again, and said, as Dan flung the duvet to one side, ‘So, what do you want to do today?’

‘You,’ Dan said, jumping on her with the kind of alacrity usually reserved for sailors on shore-leave. ‘God, I could be with you all day, you are so fucking gorgeous. Mm.’

‘No,’ Laura said, laughing, as he pulled off her dressing gown. ‘I mean later. I’ve cancelled lunch. We could go out, you know. Maybe…er, Kenwood House for…er, hot chocolate.’

Dan didn’t answer, but carried on doing what he was doing. Laura sighed, and pushed him away. ‘Dan, listen.’

‘Yes, yes,’ Dan said. ‘Hot chocolate.’

‘No,’ she said. ‘I mean we go out to get hot chocolate, at Kenwood.’

‘What are you talking about?’ Dan asked, looking down at her. ‘Why do you want to go and get hot chocolate at Kenwood? Is there a festival there or something?’

‘No,’ Laura explained. ‘I mean – what shall we do today, then? We should do something. Go out, you know, make the most of it. The sun’s just come out.’

Dan cupped her breast in his hand and bent over to kiss her again. ‘I can’t, darling,’ he said. ‘We can’t. Someone might see us. Imagine if they did.’ He looked up, his expression anguished. ‘I’m sorry. This is crap.’

‘But,’ Laura said, trying to be patient, ‘who are we going to bump into amongst the yew trees at Kenwood?’

‘The what?’ Dan asked. Laura watched him intently. ‘No, we just can’t. We should…we have to stay here. Not for much longer, I promise. But things might be tricky for the next couple of months.’

‘Why?’ said Laura, not understanding, and reluctantly waving goodbye to her winter wonderland dream of laughing and joking in a Missoni print cape as she and Dan carelessly drank hot chocolate and held hands amidst the frosty trees.

‘I mean,’ said Dan, ‘if I’m going to split up with Amy, you and I won’t be able to see each other whilst it’s going on. I mean on our own, not the usual in the pub with everyone else there. Right?’

‘Oh right,’ said Laura, not daring to hope he was saying what he was saying. ‘So…’

‘So,’ said Dan, bending over her nipple and kissing it gently, ‘this might be the last time we get to do this for a long time. So – we should – make the most of it…’

‘Yes,’ gasped Laura suddenly, understanding him, and pulling him down. ‘Yes…I see…’

As Dan moved down her body, Laura closed her eyes, and the last thing she saw was the crumpled cover of the Guardian ’s travel section. ‘Road Trip: Florida’s Hidden Treasures’, the front page declaimed. A road trip, she thought, and abandoned herself to something more immediate.

Laura worked for an inner-city London council, as a schools and business co-ordinator. She loved her job, contacting local businesses, trying to get them to support their nearby schools, arranging volunteer reading programmes or school sponsorships – where companies or individuals could sponsor a school, donate money, and feel good about themselves. She loved it because she could see how it made a tangible difference, how much disillusioned company secretaries enjoyed reading with a six-year-old once a week, or how much it benefited a school to have a thousand pounds for new computers that some corporation or anonymous donor could easily spare. She had been there for nearly four years now, and the previous year had been put in charge of their new fundraising scheme, and the reading volunteer programme, which meant a lot more work, but she loved it. At least, she used to love it. Like everything these days, it seemed to have lost a little of its allure.

If Laura had stepped back from her situation, chances are she would have seen that she was behaving badly. The trouble was, her lack of perspective meant she couldn’t see the main reason why she was in thrall to Dan: he made her feel gorgeous. He made her feel devastatingly attractive, that she was so powerful to him he had to have her, he couldn’t control it. It made her feel just marvellous, and a little bit dirty too. It was dangerous, because Dan was like all the others, in that Laura had fallen for him hook, line and sinker, without really stopping to think about it. Only this time it was harder and deeper than ever before – and with no control over the situation she’d got herself in, and no endgame in sight. Having always thought of herself in the bottom half of the class in terms of looks, attractiveness and intelligence – not to mention sporting prowess – Laura couldn’t quite believe the effect she had on Dan.