Dorothy Rowe - Breaking the Bonds

DOROTHY ROWE

Understanding Depression, Finding Freedom

HarperCollins Publishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

Published by Harper Press 2006

Previously published in paperback by HarperCollins 1994

Reprinted eleven times

Previously published in paperback by Fontana 1991

Reprinted two times

First published in Great Britain as The Depression Handbook by HarperCollins Publishers 1991

Copyright © Dorothy Rowe 1991

The Author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks

HarperCollins Publishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication

Source ISBN: 9780006375654

Ebook Edition © JANUARY 2017 ISBN: 9780007406791

Version: 2017-01-13

Praise for Dorothy Rowe:

‘Dr Dorothy Rowe, seer, has qualities which to my mind place her somewhere between sainthood and genius’

FAY WELDON

‘Dorothy Rowe’s books are exceptional. Rowe has not just got common sense but wisdom and real writing gifts. It’s pleasurable to read her blend of quoted poetry, proper and powerful prose and good jokes’

Observer

‘You can’t go to a party without meeting at least two people whose lives have been changed by Dorothy Rowe’

LINDA GRANT

‘Dorothy Rowe stands out among psychologists for her clear insight into human experience: her writing is refreshingly free from dubious theoretical constructs and jargon’

Independent

To Diana, Ron and Ed

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Praise

Dedication

Preface : How to Use This Book

I The Meaning of Depression

1 An Ordinary Story

2 Depression – the Painful Isolation

3 Our Greatest Fear

Finding the Source of Our Greatest Fear

Extraverts and Introverts

Why We Need to Know Ourselves

4 Believing That We Are Not Good Enough

Drawing the Conclusion ‘I Am Bad’

Saving Our Self

Becoming An Expert in Feeling Guilty

Compensations for Believing ‘I Am Bad’

Living Our Story

5 Constructing Our Prison of Depression

How Thoughts and Images Create a Prison

How Pat Built her Prison of Depression

The Recipe for Depression

How the Six Beliefs Fit Together

II Why Is It So Hard To Change?

6 Fearing Change

7 Wanting Certainty

8 Pride

9 Taking Things Personally

10 Hanging On to Hopes

11 Other People

Ourselves and Society

Families Against Change

Partners and Power

III The Journey Out of the Prison of Depression

12 The Expert’s Secret

13 Fitting Yourself for the Journey

14 Suicide Is Not a Solution

15 What You Need to Find Along the Way

Labelling Emotions Correctly

Finding Forgiveness

The Consequences of Striving to Be Good

The World Is Neither Just Nor Unjust

Our Helplessness Is the Source of Our Strength

Changing Our Relationships with Other People

16 Leaving Loneliness Behind

Our Rules about Our Relationships

Our Beliefs about Relationships

Our Skills in Our Relationships

Our Emotions in Our Relationships

Dismantling the Barrier

Twelve Decisions

17 Helping One Another

18 Trying Something New

19 Journey’s End

IV Discoveries

20 Discoveries

Discoveries

V Technical Footnotes

21 Is Depression a Physical Illness?

The History of Depression

The Classification of Depression

What Psychiatrists Say Publicly

What Psychiatrists Say Privately

Why Psychiatrists Insist that Depression Is a Physical Illness

Why Psychologists Insist that Depression Is a Physical Illness

The Cause and Outcome of Cancer and Heart Disease

How Important Is Thinking?

What it Means to Be Told That You Have a Genetic Illness

Understanding Why

22 Drugs – Friend or Foe?

23 Choosing a Therapist

Different Kinds of Therapy

Kinds of Therapists

24 Technical Terms – Keys to the Jargon

Keep Reading

References

Index

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Also by the Author

About the Publisher

‘I would rather have a physical illness – any physical illness – rather than be depressed. Depression is the worst experience a person can have.’

Anyone who knows what it is to be depressed would agree. It is not just that being depressed means feeling despairing, frightened, guilty, bitter, helpless, tired and ill. It is the most terrible sense of being trapped and alone in some horror-filled prison.

When we have a physical illness or have been injured, we can feel immersed in the pain and discomfort, but, equally, we can separate ourselves from that pain and discomfort. We can talk to other people, share a joke, take an interest in what they are doing, watch television, read a book, plan our future, and when someone shows us love, comfort and support we can feel warmed, cheered and supported, and give back in return our love and gratitude.

When we are depressed we can do none of these things. We are surrounded totally by the prison of depression. We cannot escape, even momentarily. Occasionally we can act normally. We can answer a telephone, or chat briefly to friends. We might feel slightly better in the evening or when we are at work, but all the time we know that the prison has not gone away, just eased its grip on us a little. Even when a course of antidepressant drugs (psychiatric, medical and psychological terms are explained in the section Technical Terms) or a series of ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) has made us feel more able to face life, we know that the prison is still hovering there in the background, waiting. One false word or action, one crisis, and its jaws will snap around us again, and we shall be trapped and helpless.