Alison Kervin - A WAG Abroad

ALISON KERVIN

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names,

characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of

the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons,

living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

AVON

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A Paperback Original 2008

Copyright © Alison Kervin 2008

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Source ISBN: 9781847560551

Ebook edition © August 2008 ISBN: 9780007281152

Version: 2018-05-23

For Gorgeous George – the little boy who finds

it sooo embarrassing when I dedicate books to him.

Also for my brother, Gareth, whose knowledge of hair

extensions and spray tanning were a real help to me in

the writing, and to my sister Susan for her indepth

knowledge of football.

First of all a big thank you to the fabulous MaxineHitchcock,editor par excellence, for her advice, suggestionsand patience as we took Tracie on an action-packedadventure to LA. Also to Keshini Naidoo and SammiaRafique at Avon for being such stars and so supportive.Indeed many thanks to everyone at Avon for theirunfailing help, you’ve been a joy to work with on twobooks now – that’s more than any writer can hope for!An enormous thank you to Sheila Crowley, super agentand super friend, for all her support and encouragement.Thanks to Mum and Dad, as ever, though dad doesn’thave time to read my books now, since he became a starof the letters page of The Times . Finally a special mentionfor Charlie Bronks and everyone on the Linda UttleyCommittee who put on a magnificent display of whatreal friendship is all about when faced with illness to oneof their number. You should be desperately proud ofyourselves for all you did for Linda. I’m honoured to callyou friends …

Featured in today’s Daily Mail – the LAST column by Tracie Martin, Luton Town Super Wag, and our most popular columnist, as she prepares for her new life as a Wag Abroad…

HOW SHOULD A WAG PACK FOR A LONG

JOURNEY TO LA?

It’s a question to trouble even the most confident and committed of Wags. How much stuff should you take on a trip to LA? The right answer is… take it ALL!! Pack the bloody lot – from your light-bulb-covered dressing-table mirror to the glittery, tassely, shimmering, skimpy dresses that would make you look overdressed at the Oscars, let alone on the terraces. Take the shiny long pink PVC lace-up boots and the barely-there, marabou-fringed knickers. Obviously take the home spray tan kit complete with portable tanning studio. (This should be in your hand luggage just in case your tan starts fading to yellow during the flight. Always remember – a Wag should be far more chicken tikka masala than chicken korma.)

Take the machine that glues in hair extensions that you bought but can’t use because every time you try to glue the extensions back in yourself you manage to get glue in your hair, on your clothes and all over the furniture, you burn your thumbs and stick your fingers together.

Take the collection of twenty-nine skin-tight white lycra dresses that show every cellulite-free inch of your orange thighs. Take the leather dresses, the ridiculous jackets, the huge handbags that cost more than most people’s cars, and the tiny handbags that cost more than most people’s houses.

What about the huge leopardskin-patterned fake fur coat and the impractical cream-coloured Ugg boots? Yes, yes and thrice yes! But what about the fact that you’re going to a boiling hot country and there’s no way on God’s Earth that you could possibly wear them? Take them anyway. Just in case it cools down – who knows? What with global warming and all that stuff, perhaps the warm countries will experience global cooling. Maybe the smoking ban in Europe will hasten the melting of the ice caps which will cause polar bears to develop webbed feet and gills and swim to LA to live. All I’m saying is – it’s possible. So take everything with you.

Take the earrings that are so heavy you can barely lift your head and the gold necklaces that are so chunky they give you whiplash every time you turn round. Take it all, then buy loads more at the airport while you’re waiting for the flight that you will inevitably miss because you’re too caught up in a shopping frenzy to even think about silly things like gate numbers or departure times.

There. I hope that advice is clear and concise enough. That’s certainly what I intend to do. This is Tracie Martin bidding au revoir to Luton Town as I head off to my new life in LA. Welcome to my world …

Title Page Copyright Dedication Sunday 25 May 3 p.m. - I think. Los Angeles Sunday 25 May 10.30 a.m. (LA time) Monday 26 May 9 a.m. Tuesday 27 May 10 a.m. New car just arrived. Wednesday 28 May 8 a.m. Thursday 29 May Friday 30 May (22 days until LA Galaxy game) 6 a.m. Saturday 31 May (21 days to go) 6 p.m. Sunday 1 June (20 days to go) Monday 2 June (19 days to go) Tuesday 3 June Wednesday 4 June (17 days to go) 11 a.m. Thursday 5 June (16 days to go) Friday 6 June (15 days to go) Saturday 7 June (Two weeks to go!) 10 a.m. Sunday 8 June Monday 9 June (12 days to go) 8 a.m. Wednesday 11 June Thursday 12 June (9 days to go!!!) Friday 13 June (8 days to go) Saturday 14 June (One week to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Sunday 15 June Monday 16 June 8 a.m. Tuesday 17 June Wednesday 18 June Thursday 19 June 8.30 a.m. Friday 20 June 8 a.m. Saturday 21 June 9 a.m. Sunday 22 June 8 a.m. Monday 23 June Tuesday 24 June Wednesday 25 June Sunday 29 June Tuesday 1 July Friday 4 July Sunday 6 July Monday 7 July Tuesday 8 July Thursday 10 July Sunday 13 July Monday 14 July Thursday 17 July 6 p.m. Friday 18 July Saturday 19 July Sunday 20 July 9 a.m. Monday 21 July Tuesday 22 July Wednesday 23 July Thursday 24 July Sunday 27 July Wednesday 30 July Saturday 2 August (my wedding anniversary) Wednesday 6 August Thursday 7 August Friday 8 August Saturday 9 August. LA City Raiders against LA Galaxy!! LAX Airport TRACIE MARTIN’S GUIDE TO LA - what to see, eat, and visit in the city of Angels . . . About the Author About the Publisher